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Archive for October, 2001


coherant paragraphs and dramatic first sentences flowed through my head during some of the worst times. subjects that were actually interesting, universal, finally came to mind. i wanted to get up and write — but i couldn’t. i was too busy letting the words flow through my head, letting the full paragraphs fly by, letting my story take me completely and then leave me. empty, exhausted… and trying to remember the exact wording that i had used to describe things to myself.

any attempt to recapture the clear moments of the past few days would just cheapen their effect for me. thus explains my recent quiet.

when the god-like guise of the internet is taken away and we once again become human — when people and places that we read about suddenly become real… what does it all mean? does it mean that we now know each other better because we read each other’s most intimate thoughts? or that we’re more prone to suspicion, hurt, anger and betrayal because of it.

what happens when you fool yourself into believing that the person you read about is the same person that you’re meeting? what happens when those beautiful thoughts, wonderful writing, and confused soul begins to wreck havoc in your world?

would you be able to leave it– this thing that causes you so much pain that you hold so dearly to your soul? would you come back again… saying to yourself “this time it’s different” though you know it’s the same as before?

and what of that person who is causing the trouble? do they know how much pain they’re causing you? no. their internet personae makes it seem as if nothing is their fault. it reminds me of a symptom my friends and i used to make fun of. it’s called “i’m always the victim, without exception”.

take away the internet guises and what do we have remaining? people who are scared, love to much and too little at the same time, give their hearts to the wrong people.

of course, this could just be delerium talking. too much medication and whatnot. i hate the random shit that goes through my mind.


“You don’t know what love is. I hate it when people say they love this and they love that… and they don’t even know what it feels like”

Is the feeling of love really that hard to achieve? Sometimes I wonder if I’m incapable of feeling love. My own mother said something like that to me once. I remember clearly. It was one of the first times that I ever really took anything she said to heart. It hurt so badly.

She had been yelling at me all morning. I was lying in bed and trying to ignore her by saying “yes yes yes”. Suddenly, in a flurried anger, she screamed at the top of her lungs “You don’t love me! You don’t know what love is! You’ll never be able to love anybody. You have no feelings”.

I remember crying for days after that, every time I thought of it.

phone calls

my mother called me at 9 oclock this morning to tell me about what a fuck up i am in life. she also called to tell me how much more of a fuck up i could have been if she hadn’t ‘saved’ me. saved me from what? myself? i don’t know if she realizes that i’m running away from her — have been running away from her. that the reason that i don’t call isn’t because i’m busy, but because i don’t miss her.

i feel heartless. i’m not one bit homesick.

i hate the way i feel after talking to her. it’s the feeling that i’m an inconvenience to the world. this, coming from the person who bore me. yeah, it’s a pretty awful feeling.

why does it have to be this way?


ever notice how beautiful people are when they’re sleeping? even if they’re ugly or annoying, they’re actually tolerable when they’re asleep… but if they’re cute or hot… they’re just utterly beautiful… simply perfect… in their sleep-state. why is that? why is it that people look so beautiful when they’re sleeping? maybe it’s because they give the semblance of being relaxed. maybe it’s the innocence that shines through during sleep. the lack of expression giving way for the viewer’s interpretation.

i love to watch people sleep.

weird feelings

all day today [well, yesterday, i suppose it is now…] i’ve been getting this weird feeling in my tummy. it’s that anxious feeling — you know, the butterflies you get in your stomach when something big is about to go down. the weird thing is — absolutely nothing is about to go down. why do i feel this way? what am i anxious about? i don’t know.

at three different points in the day today the feeling came so strongly that i could barely move. the first, while i was doing my compsci hw… second, when i was sitting on the couch at dave’s appt… and then just now in the car.

where is this feeling coming from? WHERE GODFUCKING DAMNIT, WHERE?!

i don’t really get the feeling of dread, nor do i get the happy excitement that something good is going to happen. it’s just this weird butterfly-in-stomach anxiety deal. maybe it’s the beginning of an ulcer. :P it’s not actually in my stomach, though… it’s not so much as something physical, but a feeling… that like… penetrates my whole body. it’s so hard to explain. i even break out into a cold sweat just thinking about it. so weird!!

knowing people

“it’s amazing how you really don’t know people until after a while.”

It’s true. Most people can’t show all of themselves when they first meet people. The side that is shown is usually the side that they most like to be. Angry, bitter, pessimistic? Sometimes the sweetest, nicest person inside [like my friend Kim]. Happy and carefree people? They usually have something to hide. People who are really good at things that seem brainless are usually smarter than you think and smarter than they let on. The kids who wear pocket protectors? Not always the smartest.

What is the me that I want to be? I do it subconsciously. Sometimes I even believe that I’m the me that I want to be. Once in a while, though, there’s that cruel reminder… that ‘click!’ that makes me realize I’m not the person I pretend to be at all.

But maybe, that’s just in that moment. Until then, I’ll just keep playing the angsty bisexual online chick and leave it at that. =]


A quote from one of the most deleriously happy moments of my life “We’re like fucking… blogger buddies!!… SHIEEEETTT!!!


lately, i might as well not try to sleep. i close my eyes and dreams so vivid and real come that when I wake up i feel even more exhausted than I did when I first fell asleep. it’s not as if the dreams are even realistic… but somehow, in those moments, in my mind, everything is real. the dreams are filled with anger, fear, and a lot of sorrow. sometimes when I wake up my eyes are damp with tears directed inward. im so tired. all i want to do is sleep.


There are characteristics about other people that I dislike. Things I see in other people that I despise in myself. Sometimes, I try so hard to avoid being those things that I hate that I end up doing a 360 — becoming exactly what I hate in myself. What’s wrong with me?

No matter how hard I try to be who I want to be, I end up being who I am instead.

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