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Archive for January, 2002

relgious zealots

After a rather engaging conversation with a religious zealot disguised as a fan of my site, I feel more and more aware that truth and reality is completely a part of an individual’s perception. I am also more aware that the concept of “universal truths” not being the same for anybody : and that the concept is difficult for some people to understand.

Especially somebody devoutly religious.

It’s not suprising, I suppose, for if my view were true to them, then the realities of their beliefs would seem almost void (though, the more I think about it, the more I can see how they could work together). Why is it so difficult for some to understand or at least accept that people don’t hold the same beliefs as them? Why is it so difficult for some to understand that because I view human perception as the basis of “truth”, I believe in everything yet nothing they say? — It is truth, yes, I don’t dispute it — but it’s truth for them, not for me. Why should I have to have the same truth as them to be considered “normal” ?

And then it’s sad to see that people feel the need to insult my views though I don’t oppose theirs. What justifies somebody to tell me that my views are “stupid” or that I’m “fucked up” simply because I don’t share their beliefs? I didn’t dispute their views (it’s their truth, who am I to dispute it?) — Why can’t people share the same consideration for my views as I do for theirs? How do day find it justifiable to tell me that my views are false simply because my views are untrue to them? It bothers me greatly.

Maybe I’m being too defensive, but I feel as if I was directly attacked (and wrongfully so). I need to refute. Sometimes I want to just cease talking to people that are this way (people that can’t accept that I think differently than them) becaues it annoys and saddens me so. Especially when I feel as if I’m being insulted for no reason. At the same time, if I did leave, I’d feel as if I’d be losing some kind of imaginary battle — as if I didn’t fully defend my views enough.

It’s one thing to tell me your views, I’ll respect them, but if my views are attacked then I will have to defend them.

It’s a double edged sword, it seems. Funny, some people think I’ve taken philosophy classes — I’ve even been asked if I was a philosophy major. I’ve done neither. This is just unstructured rambling of a person with thoughts that race far too quickly for the fingers to follow.


I notice that two things motivate me to work the most — the first is sleep depravation, and the second is when I have so much to do that it’s almost impossible to get things done. I think I need that challenge (the possibility that I won’t be able to do whatever it is that I’m supposed to do), in order to make myself get off my ass and do shit.

Unfortunately, lack of sleep causes my mind to work at about fifty percent its normal rate. Take today, for example: I drove around aimlessly not knowing exactly where I was going even though I needed to go to the place and get back within an hour and a half. On the way there, I forgot completely where I was going and stopped at McDonalds to pick up some chicken nuggets for my roommate.

/*edit January 29 2002 11:00 AM

I think what I was trying to say last night is that it is curious how I tend not to get anything done unless there’s some kind of challenge involved, and most of the time the challenge tends to be either lack of time, or sleep depravation. Actually, reading back, I’m not exactly sure what I was getting at with that little anecdote about McDonald’s, but oh well.

I know I’m not alone in the lack of motivation boat, but shouldn’t a challenge make me feel LESS motivated? Shouldn’t I want to give up, rather than try harder when I think I can’t make it? What makes me lag when I know I CAN make it, only to push myself to that point where I can’t make it, and THEN try hard?

Is it just me who’s perverse? Or is this another part of human nature in general that I haven’t explored enough?


Alright, anyhow, my sleep-deprived ass is going to sleep now. Shit. Don’t you hate the feeling that you’re forgetting something? I feel as if I’m forgetting something REALLY important. Like… REALLY important… but I can’t seem to figure out what…


As I see page after page go down in hiatus, I realize more and more how much of a sanctuary my page has become for me. Sure, I may be vague, I might not get to say all that I get to say, but most of the time, the things I say here are right on target. — Or at least just what I need to get that “I LOVE POUNDING KEYS!” feeling out of my system.

On a different note, I’ve been quite stressed body-wise lately. In addition to my disgusting UTI [bleh!] I got food poisoning from the Mesa Commons. Barfed up my entire lunch into the public bathroom toilet.

Now the thing is, I don’t barf that often, but when I do I always find it so amazing how much undigested food stays in my system for so long. It’s really very interesting. That day I had eaten a chicken sandwich, a salad and a baked potato. Weirdly enough, I could see parts of each that I had eaten! It was nothing short of awesome.

I hadn’t chewed all the salad yet, either, apparently.

Hey, guess what? I feel neutral! — Yeah, I know that seems really random, but for me, it’s an amazing thing. Of late I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs — so not good for my health. :) Right now, I don’t really feel anything at all! Go me. I kick total ass.


There are some songs which become famous that seem like they dont’ mean anything. They don’t really make you have that connection, or have that special “something”. je ne sais quoi. Sometimes I wonder how they got popular in the first place — nothing special about them except for the fact that they’re catchy and sung by good looking people and have good publicity…

And then there’s those other songs whose lyrics [sometimes only part of the lyric] just feel like they reach out to me because they seem to be such a perfect way to describe my universe.

Lyrics — “Superman”

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see


A pessimist at heart, I can’t help but think the worst of myself and the situations I’m in. It’s sad, but I think that’s partially why things turn out so badly for me — not because I don’t want them to turn out well, but because deep in my heart I won’t ALLOW things to turn out well.

When you have a pessimistic soul and the constant urge to be right — it can be a dangerous and volitile combination.

Somebody told me recently that my journal is full of screams of “pity me!”

It’s true, of course — that’s the funny part. I think a part of me really does like it when people pity me; not in that sympathizing way where they think they understand what you’re going through, but in that “Oh shit, I can’t believe you have to go through that crap” type of pity.


It’s because I’m demented. That’s the conclusion that I’ve come up with after these few months of self-evaluation. I’m just plain crazy, and I”m probably going koo koo. I don’t know if it’s the environment I’m in, the activities I’m participating in, or the fact that I feel helpless in the seemingly downwards direction my life is plunging into.

I’m so fucked up in the head!

Friday January 25, 2002 at 10:22 pm

Hey you,

Sometimes I wonder why we ever got together. Or how. Or why you even like me. I can’t see any reason for you to like me at all — I’m a psychotic bitch. I remember you bragging about how your other girl was so perfectly normal and simple and all that great stuff about her. How could you just drop her for me?

– Will you drop me the same way if another girl comes around that seems better? It seems so cruel and pessimistic of me… but it really makes me worry.

You worked so hard to pull my feelings away from him. Was I just wanted because at the time I was unreachable? Did you only like me because so many others did at the same time?

Why am I always like this? Questioning people’s feelings, people’s emotions. Why can’t I just let things be and see what course they take? You’re a good guy, a nice guy. Why can’t I just trust your motives? Why am I so scared?

Because I’ve really fallen for you.

I really have.


Alex Chiu’s Immortality device. If this works, i’ll do something weird, like bite my butt.

Thursday January 24, 2002 at 08:01 pm

i’m always so vain about the appearance of my journals. even on those in which i proclaim that i’m anti-design, i spend at least an hour fixing the template so that i feel satisfied with it. it makes me feel like a freak. bleh.

i think i’m falling too deeply for john. it worries me. i want to love him less.

Invader Kim

So pretty much all last week I had this terrible achy feeling in my bladder every time I went pee. You know that feeling you get whenever you REALLY REALLY need to go pee? When it’s so strong that you don’t think you can hold it? I kept getting that — only RIGHT AFTER I finished peeing. As if my bladder were trying to squeeze out even more pee. The feeling would stay, too, for a few hours afterwards.

So one day last week I was walking back to my dormroom from school when I get that feeling. I thought it was like all the other times, so I didn’t really pay attention to it… But by the time I got to my room I knew something was wrong. I dashed to the bathroom — and right there, right before I pull my pants down [SO CLOSE!] I freakin’ piss in my pants! After wards I just kinda sat there on the john, flabbergasted, almost crying even.

I cleaned up and finally decided to go to the doctor.

Unfortunately, due to my busy schedual I wasn’t able to go to the doctor until yesterday, and as it turns out I have a urinary tract infection! Bleh… pretty nasty, huh? They say it’s because I don’t go pee enough.

So anyhow, they gave me these pills that kinda look like candy (m&ms) and they’re coated in brown and they make my pee look freakin ORANGE — like hi-c or some shit — and that ‘s AFTER it’s been diluted by the water. Freakin WEIRD. It’s like my piss is radio active or some shit. It’s great, though. ^_^

So, that’s my dramas for the day.

toes. >_

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long long while. I don’t think I laughed that hard when I realized I’d just urinated on myself…. but that’s a completely different story.

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