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Archive for February, 2002

opposite sides

it seems that the times when I feel the happiest, a lot of people around me are having bad times. i wish i could get to the point where everything is completely positive — or just to a point where everything negative can be ignored. but i can’t ignore my friends, or my acquaintances, or even the blogs of the people i read.

maybe it’s supposed to be this way. maybe there always has to be an even spread of goodness and badness — or maybe i feel good because subconsciously i know everyone else is doing badly.

that would be SO completely evil if it were true. :P

WHY MEEEE?!!

Sometimes I amaze myself with the versatility of my talent for hurting myself. These past few weeks have been riddled with moments of intense clumsiness, embarassment and pain.

Clumsy Act #1: Last week I had a stay-over person (this means the person pretty much shadows me, a college student, for a day)… That seems normal enough, right? So why is it that I somehow found myself walking through Aldrich Park (the park in the middle of campus) in the middle of the night with my person’s boyfriend and her boyfriend’s host? Who knows… But it happened. Anyhow — so we’re walking through this park and suddenly I’m like “Ouch!”… Apparently a tree had bit me. Trust me — I know how it happened as little as you do! — damn, showering later that night was a pain.

Clumsy Act #2: Ahh… And then the other day I was running away from a friend because I was leaving a surprise at his door. Somehow I ended up hurting my shoulder because I rammed it into the doorknob. Yes. The doorknob. How my shoulder even GOT to the doorknob, I don’t even know.

Clumsy Acts #3: Alright, this is something that happens at least once a day. I THINK the door is slightly ajar. (Theres a door in my dorm that always looks kind of ajar… you’d think I’d learn by now that it’s closed…) Anyhow, every time I see this door, I’m like YES! It’s open! WOOO! Take a running leap and ram my entire weight into the door. Only to be pushed off easily. (The worst is when someone’s walking out at the same time.

Clumsy Act #4: So yesterday I was taking out the laundry. Harmless, no? I guess not for me! Somehow I dropped my laundry basket (which isn’t the basket kind, but the fold out kind with 4 legs and a bag int he middle) and somehow one of the legs lifted and broke one of my toenails. -.- How embarassing.

I think I should copyright jumping up and down and howling in pain “WHYYYYY MEEE WHYYY MEEEE?!??!!”… >_

new inventions

recently a friend (bryce) came up with a new weapon — sword-chucks [ha!]… and it got me thinking. what other types of interesting inventions can be made? here are a few of my ideas:

Book Holder / Japanese dinner table : Have you ever had breakfast in bed with one of those table trays? Imagine the same thing, only taller and with clear plastic/glass for the table part. Put that over your head while reading and place the book face down on top of it and blammo! no need to hold up the book, and if you fall asleep it won’t suffocate you! — at the same time, whenever you need to eat, just put it on the floor and you can enjoy your ramen in a cup just as if you were in a restaurant.

Glowstick underwear: Tired of getting patted down and losing all your druges and glowsticks at parties? Instead of sticking that shit in your mouth, up your butt, into your shoe or taping it to your inner thigh, most of which can be painful, inconvenient or just plain embarassing, wear my glowstick underwear! They have pockets right around the crotch area made just so that if inadvertantly patted, you’ll just feel hard! — For those of you who have less than 6 inches under the belt, it’s also a great thing to wear if you’re planning on freakin’ tonight. *wink*

^_^; I had more, but that’s all I can think of right now… =D feedback!

happiness

I can’t blog when I’m happy… Not anything useful, anyhow. It’s weird, but I can’t express happiness well in words unless it’s complete bliss — yet I can express any form of sorrow. It’s tough to bitch and moan about things when there’s nothing to bitch and moan about.

It’s tough to make observations on the fucked up shit that goes on when there’s not really anything fucked up that goes on — none that I can write about anyhow.

“Oh my god. You haven’t posted for like… a whole week! — You got a life?!” said a friend of mine the other day. It made me laugh, but at the same time feel kind of sad — did it really seem like I had no other life besides the one inside my computer screen? :T

I don’t know. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m once again content. For the most part, anyhow. :)

tumbling tumbling

the other day i read a book called the fuck up by arthur narsesian. it’s about a slacker whose life goes down the drains only to start looking up in the most fucked up way possible… and then, just when he seems to be about to achieve happiness…. everything crumbles and starts to fall apart and he rushes down past even the lowest of lows that he had ever experienced before.

it touched me somehow. it makes me realize that at any point things can drop even lower than i could ever imagine. it confuses me, too.

should i appreciate life knowing that what is good is now? or despair, knowing that the worst is yet to come?

=]

By the way, just to let everyone know — I don’t feel as depressed as I sound in the end of that last entry — it’s just how I felt at the time I wrote it in my Econ book… Valentine’s day was great, and thanks to all of the people who sent me wishes via online greeting card, AIM, and whatnot. It’s really appreciated. ^_^

scribbles

Scribbled among my Econ notes:

What I’ve noticed – the weather.

The weather has such an affect on my mood. It’s amazing how many different feelings come with just subtle differences in the weather.

Gloomy skies make me tired and run down – make me drag my feet – but slight misty sprinkles make me grin and hold my hands out, hoping to catch some drops and bask in the smell of wetness – trees and asphalt.

Pouring rain is fun to run though, but seems so melancholy when I’m inside looking out. The day after rain is lonely and dirty.

Lately the weather feels like april does in San Jose. Ever since seventh grade, this feeling — sunny skies with a cool, brisk breeze has made me utterly depressed. I always thought it was the springtime that made me sad — but maybe its just the connection I make with the ewather. Seems like when the sun warms my skin and the win chills me is when I make myself suffer the most. It’s when I have the most flashbacks of times when I felt less than nothing — sometimes immersing myself so deeply in my visions that the feelings are once again a part of me.

“I make myself suffer”

wow, what a pathetic line. Yet it speaks the truth about a lot of my life. Hah. If I wouldnt’ do this siht to myself, I’d probably be a lot happier.

phases

i’m going through one of those phases where i hate everyone and everything, yet at the same time i’m craving for attention and love. i have nothing insiteful to say today. to say that i feel drained is an understatement.

on a brighter note: happy new year!

It’s so weird. Up until now I have never really gotten many e-mails about my page. I mean, there’s the occasional once a month thing where some random person finds me interesting enough to send e-mail to, but lately the e-mailing trend has been exploding.

I can’t figure out why — and it makes me feel bad, too, since I’m probably the worst person in the world to send email to, considering that most of the times my replies are short and rather uninteresting.

Today’s most memorable e-mails have been:
A 32 year old telling me that he was just compelled to e-mail me because of my beauty ^^ (Thanks).
A 21 year old asking me if I wanted to help him on his senior project by recording ish? Like music? (Haha! Who, me? Tonedeaf? ^_^*)

… there were a few more interesting ones, but those were by far the most out there. =D Thanks guys, I’m amused.

Wednesday February 6, 2002 at 07:22 pm

I always go for guys that are emotionally unavailable. Whether or not they know it, if I keep yearning for them, if I keep wanting them, then they’re emotionally unavailable. Why is that? I’ve derived a four word answer to that question:

Because I’m fucked up.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I, Kim Nguyen, am fucked up majorly in the head. If a relationship is going well, then I can’t help but doubt it and lament the worst. If a relationship is going badly, I can’t help but doubt it and hope for the best only to let myself down. If there is no relationship, I have hope that one will appear — if there is one, I’m in constant fear that it’ll disappear.

I am my own worst enemy.

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