writing shouldn’t be a heart-wrenching gut churning affair. writing here shouldn’t make me nervous, shouldn’t make me feel afraid of who might read it. i shouldn’t feel scared that people will judge me — they’ll do it anyway. these feelings are unwarrented . . .
but they’re still here.
—
It’s a constant struggle day to day, not to feel upset, not to be depressed, not to dwell on how loser-ish I feel. No matter how much I accomplish, how cocky I act, my insecurities come back to bite me in the ass. I hate this shit.
I feel the need to explain myself more:
The last few days I’ve just been constantly filled with these feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and mad insecurities. The weirdest part is that I don’t even know why I’m being plagued with these feelings. It’s not like anything worse is happening around me than it ever has before… it’s not like good things aren’t happening.
I have a wonderful boyfriend. I got an A- in the class that I was expecting to do really badly in. (The class i was stressing out about the most). I have friends. I have my car keys again, after losing them for an entire week. I’m not lacking anything….
and yet there’s still this nagging feeling… Maybe I should mark this as the beginning of a period of abstinence from illegal substances.
Or maybe I should seek out some more. 
