Chapter 24

I sit at my table, behind Danilo, looking at the adorable tuft of hair that always seems to stand up after lunch. I smile, happy to see that even as I struggled inwardly, everything about him was still the same. Since that night with Chil-Hyun, I had not been able to bring myself to talk to him again. In fact, I hadn�t left the house for anything besides school for more than a week. Reality was just too depressing.

I love him. I knew it; everyone who mattered knew it. He probably even knew it. Then why can I not bring myself to tell him that I love him? Why was I content to simply look at the back of his head, and not do a thing to further our relationship?

Truthfully, I did not know. I longed for him, I love him, and yet, I did not want to long for him. I did not want to love him.

To love him was to bring upon myself the horrible premonition that love between us was impossible. He was right next to me, but he was a million miles away.

He turned. He smiled. I smile back. He turns to the front again.

Oh, the pain. The dreadful, abominable pain that surfaces every time I think about his perfection. To be friends with him! How did I ever think that that would be enough for me? That was not enough! I needed to have him. I needed for him to be mine.

I looked down at my paper. Todokanai ai. Unreachable love. I had scrawled the Japanese characters onto my notes.

Snort. How appropriate. Love within my grasp, yet unreachable.