inicio mail me! sindicaci;ón

Archive for August, 2002

mundane to you special to me

I want to write about something I did this weekend. Because I feel like it and because I can. :) And because I had a lot of fun and i never want to forget it.

Many times as I go towards the 405 from my boyfriend’s house, I look to the right and see a moving ferris wheel. I’ve been yearning to go on it for what seems like a really long time [for me, a minute or a year may feel like a really long time…]… Anyhow, this weekend John finally broke down and took me to the ferris wheel.

It was really neat! For $2.50 each we got to get on the ferris wheel and be the only people riding on it on a warm summer night. It was kind of scary, though, because the wheel went uncommonly fast — you’re not supposed to feel the falling down rush when the ferris wheel goes down. @_@ Heh, but regardless, it was great! Afterwards we took pictures in one of those little booths that give out 4 pictures in a row and bought dippin dots as we waited for the photos to develop.

Then we went back home for a bit.

All in all,it was one of the most enjoyable 30-40 minutes of my life. :) Aww. Thank you honey. :)


Everybody has their own little fantasies. As a girl with an active imagination, I admit, I probably have more than my simple share of fantasies. Some of them can be long, complex, and complete stories, while others are short little blurbs that are sparked in my mind by some simple event.

Of course, I have some fantasies that are my favourites… Fantasies that are like favourite novels, played over and over in my mind… the edges worn thin, the story changing only ever so slightly with time and experiences. I don’t know if I’ll ever grow out of these.

My worst mistake is hoping that these idle fantasies will become more than just a fantasy. Certain people that I’ve known have had a knack of knowing what’s exactly in my mind… knowing exactly what to say to fill that familiar blank space after something I say… simply understanding me. Others… simply don’t… Or perhaps they don’t care to let me indulge in my little happinesses… There’s nothing much that I can do about it but be deeply and utterly disappointed when something I almost expectantly wait for (like presents on christmas day) however little, doesn’t occur.

I’ve learned to deal with this, somewhat, though by doing these things for myself sometimes. It eases the pain. A little. A masturbation of the mind, if you will, I pleasure myself by indulging in things that I wish others will do for me that they ultimately will not because they would never think of it.

It’s two different experiences completely; simply being with a person who knows what I want more than I do, and being with a person who is oblivious or apathetic to the things that fly through my mind.

what it means to me

Regardless of how much I wish I didn’t care about what people think of me, regardless of how much I know I shouldn’t care about the thoughts of people I think rather lowly of, I still care. Is it that strange?

I’m ashamed to say that I’m affected by this. I’m affected by things that I should be above… Like being disgusted to the point of physical illness of a dirty, polluted stream of water though you’re simply looking down at it from a bridge. Like becoming sad when you’re watching something that’s only on telivision… Things that shouldn’t effect you at all that end up bothering you in your daily life.

I know I shouldn’t worry, I know I shouldn’t care… And strangely, a part of me really doesn’t give a shit anymore… But there’s always that tiny little nagging feeling in the back of my mind… The knowledge that I’m hated by some, and disliked by many.

At least I can find solace in the fact that I did at some point evoke a stronger emotion than apathy from some people.

blah! weird things and vegas trips

I hate it when you type out a whole long entry and mistakely close the window. This sucks. I don’t even remember what I was talking about. I just remember it was long. And good. And really long.

I remember thinking about how it is strange that I find no hesitation when I consider offing myself, but the thought that I might suddenly die or slowly die by things out of my control drives me crazy. Maybe it is because I’m a control freak. Maybe I’m just insane.

Anyhow, things have been going rather well lately. It feels like everything has been clicking together, I’m getting used to working hard again, instead of being a lazy bum like I was during the last quarter at UCI. I think the lethargy mainly came from the depression… but I can’t be too sure. Other than the still lingering bit of depression and this weird voice in my head that I’ve been trying to get rid of, I seem to be doing better than usual.

Recently, I took a trip to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and other people. That was really fun — not as relaxing as a vacation should be, but I’m not complaining. Though, there was one part of the trip that was rather disconcerting (to say the least). While I was watching my boyfriend play PaiGow from afar, a scary guy with cornrows came up to me and started to rub up my arm making weird “uhhhghhruuhhhrr” noises. Then he left. I was too disturbed to even move, and at first I figured it wasn’t a big deal… But then standing there in the middle of the walkway with a steady stream of people walking by me started making me nervous — I started breaking out into a cold sweat. So then I told the boyfriend that I wanted to go, but he wanted to finish his game so I waited, sqatting down into a half-fetal position closer to the card tables where less people were walking hoping that I had become invisible.

Other than that agitating incident, Vegas was really great. I even got to pull the lever and push buttons a couple times! How fun! The boyfriend even won money… :)

Also, I’ve made a promise to myself that from now on I will be more availible through AIM and e-mail… so if any of y’all want to talk just mail me and I’ll try to get back to you.

What is scary.

The scariest thing in the world is void — yet it is all that I can bring myself to believe.

The mere fact that all that exists in our society, our minds, and our very souls is nothing but an illuision — and that every feeling and act that does not have anything directly to do with reproduction and one’s personal preservation is simply a deviance of nature caused by too comfortable a life. The fact that all that we strive for, all that we work for may mean nothing at all in the end.

In Buddhism it is believed that the soul is reincarnated until the point where the soul reaches enlightenment. After this enlightenment occurs and the mortal shell passes away for the final time, all that remains is the state most commonly referred to in English as ‘Nirvana’ – where there exists no suffering and pain. HOwever, nirvana in Buddhism is not the euphoric state that the word implies. In fact, this ‘Nirvana’ is actually a state of complete nonexistance — which explains why this place has no suffering or pain… Because if there is nothing (and no nothing because there is nothing to compare nothing to…)… then there cannot be anything. No right or wrong, no happiness. Simply put, Nirvana is the void where existance itself does not exist.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve come to believe that this void comes regardless of whether or not one’s soul has reached enlightenment or not. I do not believe that reincarnation occurs, though I wish it did.

On the contrary, I believe that this so-called state of Nirvana is reached by everybody as soon as they die. When a person dies, they just die. There’s nothing left, nothing remaining of them except for their body and their posessions.

What are we, to presume that we’re something more than just another type of organism – the same as a plant, the same as anything else that reproduces? Are we truly the individual creatures we make ourselves out to be? Do we truly have something more than cells, chemicals, hormones, instincts and a brain?

How then, do we explain our life as it exists? Personalities, feelings, wants… Why are these so essential to our life? How is it that we can suffer emotional pain… If we were only here for reproduction and preservation, wouldn’t emotional pain be needless?

Do souls exist?

Somehow I can’t bring myself to believe that a soul that reaches beyond the human body can exist. How terrifying, though! The thought that everything you know and feel cannot exist without this exact shell that you’re in. The thought that you cannot reach beyond this fragile house of flesh is chilling to believe.

Yet, somehow for me that is more believable than the existance of souls, heaven, hell, and reincarnation…

But then how do we explain the reasons why we go through what we do. The emotional and physical suffering, pain, and trauma that we put ourselves through day by day. Is there truly nothing in the end?

If so, what is my cause? Simply to run from the void? What a dreary thought.