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Archive for May, 2002


Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? Had a tune run through your mind so many times that it gives you a headache? Have you ever thought you were going to go insane if the song didn’t stop singing?

It’s happened to me… but this time it’s different. It’s not even a song. It’s two words.

carne esada.

I don’t even know why. I’m not hungry, I don’t particularly like carne esada [not that it’s bad… :) Just not my very favuorite food or anything]. I’m not craving carne esada….

But the words keep running relentlessly through my head. Am I insane?!

Life as a whole is disliked. Even those moments I enjoy are… tainted somehow, like a colourful film of motoroil over a freshwater stream. A terrible tiredness and brown marks on my arm the only things that remain to remind of that night.

That and an opened empty bottle of cough medicine.

It’s so hard to smile for real these days. It’s so hard to not hate myself.

my tongue feels numb. that’s probably the codeine working. i would have drank more but it’s really gross. at least the advil is sweet.

sleep for a few days sounds good.


Spent the night at the boyfriend’s house as usual. Stuffed eeyore and mikey down the crack as usual. Hogged monkey all night like he was mine like usual.

Woke up feeling refreshed. Woke up feeling calm. Woke up without bad dreams. Woke up with dry eyes. Woke up feeling happy. Highly unusual.

Though it’s (admittedly) dangerous, sometimes thinking about things that happened in the past as a way to lose focus on the present day sadnesses makes things better. Remembering how it felt too feel loved, remembering the feeling of falling in love, remembering how it feels to be wanted… Makes the bad and negatives seem a little less in-your-face.



just because

Every time I feel upset or sad or whatever, I ask myself, “Why do I feel this way? What’s making me feel like chugging down a bottle of medicine? What’s making me sad?”

There’s always an answer. Because I have no one to turn to. Because I’m not focusing enough on extracurriculars. Because I’m focusing too much on extracurriculars. Because I have too much resposibility. Because I have too little responsibility. Because because because.

What scares me is that a lot of times recently there has been no method to the madness. There’s no ‘because’ — I’m sad just because. Why? I don’t know. Suddenly I’ll just feel that way and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It sucks, yeah? I think so too.


fun with the tablet.

sigh. i need to get out of this body. hah

in reply

I wrote this in reply to all the people who’ve been replying to my previous post (I feel that there’s some stuff in here that I need to get out in the open).

to d.flow, dave, theresa and those of you that know me personally, i’d like to thank you for your thoughts and support of my decisions.

i have quite a few things to say towards the rest of the people who replied:

“why can’t [girls] be more simple and straight forward thinking like guys?” -stephen
stephen: from my personal experience, the only people who are as simplistic as you claim, male or female, are generally unintelligent. there are not many men that I actually enjoy the company of that don’t have some complexity to them. i don’t think you should generalize the male sex just because you and the people that you are in contact with are a certain way.

brook overcame her emotional distress by herself.
brooke: i’m glad you were able to get out of your depression; however, i think that everyone has their own way of dealing with things, and that when that way doesn’t work it’s imperative to seek outside resources. personally, i have too much on the line for me to even let this go on for even one more year. thanks for your comments, though, no offense taken.

“dont’ worry we all have our ups and downs. Just today I almost thought I lost my keys, but then I realized they were in my pants” – ode
ode: i’m sorry to burst your bubble, but my ups and downs and whatnot have a little more substance to them than losing my keys. when i was down a couple weeks ago, i didn’t go through one day where i didn’t consider ramming my car into a passing truck or popping things into my mouth that i knew could kill me. try holding a blade to your wrist with tears running down your eyes — tears that haven’t stopped for hours – saying to yourself ‘this is wrong. this is wrong… but i must punish myself’… and tell me about your ups and downs afterwards.

“Whats considered normal and abnormal?” – ken
ken: I think that you have a good point — who DOES decide what is ‘normal’? –however, when I find myself engaging in dangerous activity or having suicidal thoughts in my head with myself ** this close to acting upon them, I PERSONALLY don’t consider it normal, and this is why I seeked help.

“Plus psychiatrist are just there two ask you three questions..” -david
david (enigma): I think that you’re the one full of bullshit. you should look a little closer into psychiatry before you make assumptions of what they do and what they don’t do. true, there are many questions about your feelings and why YOU think you feel that way, but a lot of it also has to do with your genetic history, your previous reactions to medications, and many other things as well. psychiatry is a lot different than psychology — and I think you have the two mixed up. “that is so.. me … except for the depressed part” — then it isn’t you, is it? as dv.flow said, psychiatry is a respected medical field, and there is a lot of scientific proof that goes along with it.

“fighting the blues is really not so hard, it begins with accepting that life is both high and low. ” – potch

If I have to hear once again that I just have to deal and accept life’s highs and lows, I’m going to scream. Accepting your lows doesn’t mean hating yourself because of things that happened to you that you couldn’t do anything about. Accpeting your highs and lows doesn’t mean almost getting into accidents because burning tears are streaming from your eyes and blinding you when you drive because that’s the only time that you’re alone. Accepting your lows doesn’t involve pulling out all the medicine in your cabinet and calculating how much of each you think you need to take so that you can disappear forever.

The reason that I went to seek help was because I COULDN’T handle my highs and my lows. The reason that I went to a professional was because no one I know could help me. Even my closest friends that I trust with my entire soul couldn’t help me — and I know how hard they tried.

It’s impossible to write all of the anguish that I’ve been going through most of my life. It’s impossible for me to expect everybody to understand and agree with my decisions. However, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for people who come to this site to respect my decisions and not write them off as some petty thing. I didn’t decide to get help overnight; and you people need to understand that.

Just because I haven’t written about something, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been happening.

the shrink

I went to the psychiatrist today for the first time in my life. I feel like a nutcase. Actually, according to her, I am. I think I’m going to have to get a second opinion.

She says I’m I have bipolar 2 and wants me to start medication asap.

saying so much

All my friends that are out of the loop are completely aghast at how well I write so much and yet tell absolutely nothing about my life. It was different when i was hanging out with them, I guess, because they could figure out what I was talking about (that, and i was less vague before). These days, it’s the same. People who are constantly around me know exactly what I’m writing about where the people who don’t have no idea.

I kind of want to write more, explain clearly the things that happen. Gossip, say exactly why a certain event has made me feel that way.

However, I’m a lazy person. I will only write so much no matter what I write about. Expending my energy on actually explaining myself would cut down on the time that I spend reflecting on the way things have affected me.

Though it would probably be easier for people to give me advice if they knew what was going on. kim’s new goal: give better background on current situation.

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