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Archive for March, 2006

Friday March 24, 2006 at 10:22 am

Are they worth it?

Since the breakup, though I have all my friends around me, there are still times when I feel a bit lonely in that I want to have someone next to me kind of way. In a way it’s all the sharper because all my friends are his friends too, and in the past year I hardly remember times being with them without him being there.

So the loneliness, coupled with the fact that my self-esteem and self-value has been shot to hell has made me begin to contemplate having some kind of rebound relationship.

Not even anything fancy, but just something to reaffirm to myself that I can be desirable to someone in some way.


… the only thing is, is it worth it? Am I emotionally prepared to have a rebound? If I do take a rebound should I do it with someone I actually like or someone who’s somewhat a stranger?

Even if I’m emotionally ready for a rebound in the near future, would it be worth the possibility of hurting another person because of my selfishness?

Are rebounds worth the possible repercussions?

Thursday March 23, 2006 at 10:38 am

Does writing poetry make me sound emo?
I like it regardless.

I was looking through my old poetry blog and realized that I haven’t written poetry in a really long time… Reading the words made me realize how much I miss playing with words and meanings and sounds… and inspired me to write this this morning:

where has it gone?/the inspiration/my indication/that my soul is
alive/thrives/somewhere out there/bare and alone/tiny, vulnerable and
prone/ to over-indulgence of the worst kind/my mind/crumbles and
falls/tumbles and crawls/fumbles and mauls/its way through the deep
abyss of soulessness/i dive/into the pits of listlessness/without
flesh/barely dressed/repressed/depressed/helpless and lost…

because i can’t find myself anymore.

To be honest, I wasn’t going to post this, because it feels a bit personal and being personal is always a little embarassing. :)

I hope you enjoyed this piece of my mind.

And for those of you who are bored.. Here’s a picture of me from a few years ago that I JUST found today… I don’t even remember it…. Don’t i seem like a lolita complex’s dreamboat?

Wednesday March 22, 2006 at 10:17 am

Sexual Frustration:
Yay or nay?

Would you rather be a little frustrated or too satisfied?

I say yay to the sexual frustration. I actually think it’s kind of nice to have sexual tension. I heard an explaination once for ‘cha-no-yu’ (japanese tea ceremony) that fits into this situation perfectly:

Though the ultimate goal of the ceremony is to drink the tea that is made at the end… the beauty and pleasure of the ceremony is not necessarily the end, but all the pleasureable steps to that end.

But maybe it’s because I’m a girl, and sexual tension is like foreplay for me. :)

Monday March 20, 2006 at 02:37 pm

In case you’ve been wondering..
This is what i’ve been up to since my birthday:

My friend Steve went down on me while Crystal looked on and made lewd comments.

That was a pretty satisfying quest.

Brent has been teaching me the beauty of Guitar Hero

After this, I told him we should start playing strip guitar hero at my house on Thursdays.

And I found out that I have a long lost twin.

The tall scary woman is Crystal.

Can I BE more nerdy?

Thursday March 16, 2006 at 10:55 am

I turn 23 today!
Let’s get wasted!! :-D

So I turn 23 today. 23 is not exactly an exciting age. Even last year when I turned 22 I was at least able to reflect on being 21… but 23 is the birthday that is just the next step to middle aged boringness.

Or so I thought… and should have hoped.

To be honest, this birthday has been the most emotional birthday I’ve ever experienced. Several separate things have all kind of cumulated together to turn me into a ridiculous emotional ball of pain.

If these things were spread further apart, I probably would have been able to handle them, but all together, I’m reeling.

Emotional point number 1:
This is the first time in five years that I’ve been single on my birthday.

Emotional point number 2:
I received a birthday present from my ex boyfriend [before Lan, the 2.5 year relationship one] that can be considered nothing more than ambiguous in its meaning.

Emotional point number 3:
Today I talked to my father for the first time in 13 years. He got my phone number from one of my brothers and called me to say happy birthday. … He sounds so old.

Who said 23 was going to be a boring birthday? >_

Wednesday March 15, 2006 at 10:01 am

I went to Vegas and got licked by a random lesbian. :)

You might have thought that
I spent my first weekend as a single woman alone, crying my eyes out.
But no no no, as inviting as that sounded, I decided to take a trip to
Vegas with the best friends that ever existed.

I finally got the pictures back from last week, so here they are for your pleasure:

I dub this trip:

Single and Fabulous Vegas Trip 2006
yeaaaah boooiiieeeeeee

Me and the lesbians:

later on that night, I saw that tongue in plaid girl’s crotch. I look
scared here, but I was more confused than anything else. [read…

3 short vietnamese girls and maxmillian rodriguez aka ‘dimitri’.
occasionally known as the harvard student and occasionally known as the ‘janitor’.

Maxmillian really gets us girls turned on.

Vietnamese girls can’t get enough of each other. Really.

Eric (my partner in crime later that night),
Powei the photographer,
and Brad our Vegas guide.
+ 2 short vietnamese girls

The obligatory group shot.

Picture stolen from Brent

Other pictures stolen from Brent of the weekend:

Me, my sword of justice and my fellow balloon justice fighters

Me fighting the Satan, aka maxmillian.

On the topic of the breakup:

found myself quite ambivalent about the situation throughout the last
two weeks, oscillating between apathy, annoyance, and straight hatred.
I’m hoping that soon the feelings will subside and lean towards the
tendancy for apathy and my mind will be spared the rollercoaster of
emotion that it’s been subjected to.

Friday March 10, 2006 at 10:19 am

So through this past week I’ve encountered shock, then sadness, then anger, then depression. Through it all, though, I’ve had my friends.

Strangly enough, on the first day of the breakup, for some irrational reason I believed that because Lan and I had all mutual friends that I had not only lost my boyfriend but all of my friends in the same day.

Don’t ask me why, I wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time. Let me tell you, though, the loneliness was pretty devastating.

Luckily for me, I found out pretty quickly that that wasn’t the case at all and that I have an awesome network of friends. Not the kind that are only with you through the fun times, but the ones who hold your hand through the shitty times as well.

What keeps you going?

Thursday March 9, 2006 at 10:31 am

This is going to sound really gross, but since the breakup I’ve only
been able to eat tiny amounts of food at a time…. A single piece of
bacon will literally fill me for hours. In addition to that, I’ve been
having *ahem* diarrhea like none other probably three or four times a

It’s as if my body is physically rejecting nourishment.

Can mental stress really have such a strong effect on the body?

Wednesday March 8, 2006 at 11:23 am

I can’t even begin to express my gratitude towards everyone who has been so supportive of me through this shitty time. I feel awful about the recent bitterness in my posts, but it’s hard not to sound bitter when that’s exactly how I feel.

Aside from the shock of learning that the man I thought I loved wasn’t really the one I thought I loved in the first place, I think the hardest part of all of this is dealing with the fact that I’m single again.

I hardly know where to begin. After being in a 2.5 year relationship and then moving on to a 1.5 year relationship shortly after, I feel like I’m at a loss…

What is it to “be single” ?

Tuesday March 7, 2006 at 10:08 am

What kind of guy goes out swing dancing with another girl an hour after he breaks up with his girlfriend of more than a year?

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