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Archive for December, 2004

Wednesday December 29, 2004 at 01:10 am

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Ever drive in the pouring rain at 3AM in a haze of thoughts?

The lights and signs reflect beautifully on the asphalt, creating distorted and blurry yet more perfect visions of their brothers.


Thursday December 23, 2004 at 12:30 pm

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I’m going to break my silent vow and write directly to and for anyone who may be reading this. This is less for myself as a reflection than an explanation of my motives for writing and why the writing is so few and far in between.

To those who have recently stumbled across my site, I apologize if I seem like an overly negative person. There was once a time that I could write about everything — even good things, and feel at ease about writing. Now, though, it feels as if every entry is tinged with some sort of sadness, malice, or other negatism.

In truth, most of the time I am a fairly upbeat [albeit offbeat] person.

However, several events have occured in my life which have caused me to associate online journals/blogs/personal sites with a feeling of wistful nostalgia. Thus fueling the negative tone behind my posts.

Why do I feel like I need to explain this? — I’m not sure.

I don’t want you [whoever you might be] to think that I am some constantly depressed, deranged, angry person.

Just sometimes.

Just when I write.


With that said, I feel as if I should write about something cheery, something happy to prove that indeed, at times I can be happy. Which I will.


I’ve never been a very romantic person, or never thought I was. Sure I’ve had the occasional wining and dining and flowers et al… But those things never seemed to work out as well, or never impressed me as much as someone giving me the last bite of a burger, or getting me a cheap plastic ring from a vending machine [one of my few romantic fantasies that, actually technically hasn’t come true yet].

I’ve come to just believe that I’m not the romantic type. Afterall, I burp and fart and cause trouble — anything but ladylike.

Of late, though, all of a sudden I feel as if I’ve been innundated with images [I say images, but I mean occurances of making memories, feelings, events] that have made me feel like everything in the background has disappeared and all is left are bubbles, sparkles and overly bright images. [anime lovers, agree]

Even things that seem totally mundane, like seeing a school play for class credit, become complete adventures complete with crashing free buffets, getting lost trying to find a bathroom, a romp through art galleries, some stealing of food, and funky ass music.

Random, but enough to make me smile even when just thinking about it.

And then it makes me realize, I am a romantic person. Along the lines of spontenaity, adventure, impromptu picnics and laughter that doesn’t end.

Silly adventures make me googly eyed.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


Tuesday December 21, 2004 at 10:32 am

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Time, Hibernation, the Winter.

I feel like I’ve been in hibernation for the past few weeks. It’s as if I’m walking around awake in a dream world that isn’t mine.

Sorrow bleeds into laughter which melts into brief moments of grief that turn into intense pangs of happiness tinged only slightly by the knowledge that eventually, I will have to wake up. I have no control over this world.

I don’t want to control it.

I’ve pulled myself away from much of what I deem to be parts of my life that weigh too heavily on me. Pieces that make my mind scream. Pieces that eventually make me feel worthless, pieces that will one day make me drive my tiny car into a semi truck or take that handfull of escape. Too bad I cannot run away from responsibility forever. Unless I do.

Just for now, I will indulge myself in this fancy that if I just don’t look back, the past will correct itself.

I want to run away. I love where I am.

I can’t feel my heartbeat. I’m not human. I’m just a shell.

And yet, there’s happiness amidst all of this. There is joy in this winter that I never expected. I’ve found a feeling that I want to call ‘home’.

I will get out of this. I will. Just give me a little bit of time.

I’m just a little crazy, that’s all.


Wednesday December 8, 2004 at 07:14 am

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Don’t give me
Your idol worship
Your indifferences
Your insults

Don’t give me
What you think
That I think
You should think

Don’t give me
Let downs,

Just be there in the quiet
Silently understanding

That I don’t know myself.


Wednesday December 8, 2004 at 08:40 pm

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15 things

I know I’m supposed to be working… and I know that everyone was over this like, a month ago… But I want to write my anonymous messages. They suddenly started running through my head.

1000. I’ve never quite forgiven you for the wound you created in my heart. It’s been so long since we’ve talked… but sometimes I still hear your voice and remember how much fun we used to have just talking. I’m still in love with the person I thought you were… and I still am sad about the person you turned out to be. It disappoints me, how naive I was to your games.

0100. No one has been through as much with me as you have. You were by my side throughout all of the hardest, ugliest moments. I never thanked you for the night you laid by my side keeping me awake making sure I didn’t do more stupid things that would null my existence. You overlooked faults that you deemed unforgivable… and you’ve always given me a second chance. I hope you think of me from time to time. I hope you miss me from time to time.

1100. You think you understand me, but you never have. I hate that you have control over everything I do. I hate that I hear your voice in my head. I hate that I’m becoming like you.

0010. Fuck you, bitch. Your manipulative fucking ass makes me sick. I think you are a fucking ho. You’re so fucking dirty. One day, I’m going to punch that bitch ass look you always have on your face. I’ll give you a black eye to match the other one you have. Dirty fucking slut.

1010. This second fuck you goes out to you, bitch. You are also a dirty ho. You think you’re so fucking hot. You’re just a chinky ass fat ho with big tits. I think it’s sad that if you lost about 50 pounds you would be about the same size as me. You joints fucking look like sausage joints. No wonder everyone calls you sausage girl behind your back.

0110. You make me laugh. It turned me on the other day when I touched your stomach. Then I felt like a dirty old man.

1110. You are fun to be with. I want to get to know you better.

0001. We’re wandering into dangerous territory. I’m wounded and I don’t know whether or not you’re an healing ointment or simply a numbing one that will fade away and leave things the way they were. Sometimes when I look at you, my heart smiles… and then it aches from the movement.

1001. You’re hot. Too bad you seem like you would be STD infested.

0101. I’ve always thought it would be cool to be a close friend of yours. I don’t think that I can ever be, though, because our ideals are too different. I’ve always looked up to you. You’re one of the wittiest people I know.

1101. If I had a penis, I’d jizz all over your face. Just because I think it’d be funny.

0011. I’ve never treated you nicely because I think deep down you’re a bad person.. and I can’t shake that feeling.

1011. If there was a person whose mind I could read, I would try to read yours. You rarely speak, but when you do, some real gems come out. I’d like to hear the rest.

0111. You smell bad. I don’t like sitting next to you.

1111. I think you’re a fucking moron. Sometimes, just looking at you makes me angry.

:) My apologies. I’m a fairly negative person.


Tuesday December 7, 2004 at 11:28 am

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Newest Goal

To memorize Hikki-chan’s “First Love”


Monday December 6, 2004 at 11:46 am

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Funny things…

I think it’s funny that Patrick had a random thought about Lan getting a sex change.

But I think it’s funnier that Lan fucks patrick in the ass.

I didn’t do it.

Funny inside jokes that I want to remember forever:

Oh baby oh baby… !xpile [sp?]

You know what’s weird? A cork in your butt

I can’t breathe!


Where you at, bitch?! — I’m right HERE, bitch!


Thursday December 2, 2004 at 02:59 pm

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What I want for xmas

-To do things I’ve never done before.

-Leg warmers

-A haircut

-Good times

-A better job so I can buy my friends good presents

-More books to read

-More anime to watch

-Less drama

-An end to my battle with depression

-New beginnings

-A better immune system

-Hosting for

-A hot lesbian lover

-Drugs that I can abuse

-New friends

-Good food

-Less work


Thursday December 2, 2004 at 02:31 pm

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When I look around, I see people wrapped in their own lives. It feels like by simply acknowledging someone else’s existence, they have touched my life, in a way. I wonder if I’ve touched them at all.

Do I look like I’m wrapped in my own life? How do strangers perceive me? Have I gotten a glance, or a long look? Have there been judgements made, assumptions laid, because of the way I look, or the activity that I am partaking in? (drinking a beer and typing on my laptop in a pub).

Incidentally, today I learned that I gallop when I am hyper.