Fickle? Or just Human?
Sometimes, when I think about him I really don’t know how I can feel so strongly about one human being… And then at other times… I despise him with all my heart. Haha.. I despise him because I’m so infatuated I suppose, and I can’t understand that. It’s like when you have a bad habit… and you wonder why it feels so good doing whatever it is you do… but at the same time you hate yourself, because you know it’s not doing you any good.
What have I accomplished in liking him? Absolutely nothing. If anything, I’ve been hindering myself and him because of my foolish adolescentesque troubles. I’ve gone backwards in my quest for maturity, and have ended back in fifth through seventh grade when I liked Martin Sobotkiewicz and couldn’t tell him… Hah. And then there was Travis Gonzolas… I guess, since then I’ve promised myself never to be secretive about my feelings.
It’s not like I’m being very secretive anyway… I’m pretty obvious about the way I feel. But why why why… Why can’t I just tell him straight out? It weighs upon me heavily that I haven’t the courage to just admit to him that I have feelings for him. I think I said something about it once or twice… But it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.
Then… Why tell him in the first place? Telling him would be a sort of ultimatum, right? I mean, he would be forced into telling me how he felt about me… I don’t really want to hear the truth — because I do know the truth… But I’d still like to think that I have a chance. Haha… I love the way I willingly blind myself. I suppose knowing for sure would bring a nice feeling of finality.
But I don’t really want finality. What is it that I want then? I ask myself that very question every day. You know.. I don’t think I would be feeling this way, though, if all my friends who suddenly have significant others didn’t start trying to push me towards the “get with somebody or you’ll be a lonley old maid” ideology. I swear, that’s what it feels like. “Why don’t you get with so and so? It feels so good to be with someone… Don’t wait too long.. blahblah” on and on…
I always thought that you couldn’t wiat too long… I mean… If the person goes away, that just means it wasn’t meant to be, right? I mean… I can’t imagine myself rushing into a relationship anymore… It’d be too traumatic… Plus.. Who wants to be tied down to somebody they barely know?
One of my friends recently went into a relationship where he only knew the girl for a couple of weeks… and only online. They met, and immediatel started to go steady afterwards. And then, when I commented on it, he said that he felt for her as much as I felt towards the one I like. That irked me at the time because I knew he had never met her and only knew her online… But even more when I found out that he had only known her for a couple weeks.
Well, now those two are having problems. She’s his first girlfriend, and he’s being torn ten different ways it seems… adn it’s only been five days since they started going out. This is one of the people who is encouraging me to get into a relationship. I don’t understand people like that. Misery likes company, I suppose. (Even though he ademantly will deny he’s in any misery)…
Hah.. two days ago, he even asked me why I liked the on I liked…. I didn’t even start to tell him when he said “Wow, that’s a lot of things…”… But what can I say? He’s able to go steady with a girl he’s only known for two weeks. I think it’s a relationship of desparation though… he’s not very attractive, and I don’t know about her.. but from what he has told me it sounds like she’s rather… easy.
Aish. This is getting too long. I guess after finishing that 15 page report, I just got used to typing away. ^_^* Aiiet. Leyts
