1918730
RAINY DAY and DAY: Dragon Ash
It feels good to have this blasting. RAINY DAY AND DAY. WHY DONT YOU GO CRY M**FKER!! RAINY DAY AND DAY! AINT NOTHIN GONNA GO MY WAY!
Archive for January, 2001
1917926
Rain Rain, Go Away, Come Again Another Day
When the rain comes down, all I want to do is dream. Dream dreams that are sweet. Dreams that drown out the sound of rain. I really am dysfunctional. Some people hate the sun. I hate the anger that rain fills me with. I hate the cold. Rain really is like crying… Your body shakes, you feel cold and alone, and your face gets wet. Splatter. Splatter. Splatter.
I’ve never cried so that it splattered. Like in movies, when people cry, and they show the teardrops hitting the windowsill or whatever. That never happens to me. Oh wait… It did happen when I was writing in my journal, oh so long ago. Yes. That was rather tearstained. Ahh. How touching. Young torment. Wretched, I think, is the right word for me.
1914700
Melancholy
The rain fills me with melancholy. The sky raining outside reminds me of tears… A thousand angels crying. I wonder why they are crying? Perhaps they are disappointed in me. Of course, it has to be about me. I am the center of my universe. Perhaps they know I am crying inside, and they want me to know that they feel my pain. The sky is crying outside, I am crying inside… Yet the tears don’t come to my eyes. I almost want them to. Sigh.
1913878
I Want to have Sex
I suddenly have a strong urge to know how it feels. It seems as if none of my closest friends right now are virgins. I mean, I meet a lot of people who haven’t even kissed yet… But then, most of the people I talk to, it seems as if they already have. Maybe more people lie about their innocence than I think. I know I lie about my innocence sometimes er… or should I say, my lack of?. ^_^*
I haven’t had sex though… it fills me with curiosity. I know it’s going to hurt. I wonder if it will hurt for very long. I almost hope the man I’m with doesn’t have a very large penis… I don’t know if I could handle a very big one. ^_^* Teehee. Darn, no more going after black guys, I suppose.
I’m feeling rather perverted tonight, heh. I wonder how large Nick’s penis is? Are all penises the same? Would I be turned off if I saw one that was smaller than 5 inches. Hm. Haha.. I really don’t know. ^_^; I kinda want to just study one tho. That’d be cool.
1913483
Fresh Choice Night
Fresh Choice Night, huh. It was actually more eventful than I had wanted it to be. I thought it would just be an excursion to Fresh Choice where I met up with a few friends and made points for CSF. No such luck. ^_^; I invited the “infamous” Mike, which made my mother decide to go, and made my mother force me to dress in nice clothes (I was planning on going in sweats.. HA!)… Yeah..
It was definitely nice seeing Mike again — I hadn’t seen him since October. Wow! At least we’ve been keeping phone contact… But yeah, I guess since seeing Mike wasn’t as difficult as seeing Nick, the waiting period didn’t seem as long to me. It was nice to have somebody to talk about everything to again. I think it’s really rare to be able to find someone to just talk about random stuff to, and somebody with just a different view of life than everybody else. One of the most refreshing things about Mike is that his way of looking at things is just so different that it makes me pause, and think a little. Thinking is definitely good.
I want to see Nick again
I guess since he’s back in college, no such luck here. He’s going to be on less and less. I’ll resort to calling him once a week again. Heh. ^_^* I feel very proud of him always though… So I guess it’s no biggie. Aish… I just miss talking to him so much sometimes. 
Ahh.. Why am I writing here instead of analyzing poetry! Goddamn this blogger addiction! It’s gotten worse since blogger got better! BOOO
1907693
You Stole my Freckle Ink!
Last night, as I was lying in bed, a memory came back to me… Maybe it was my deleriousness, or maybe I was just half dreaming… But I was distinctly reminded of sitting in Hooters with Nick and noticing that he had a freckle in the same spot on his left palm as I do in my right palm. He accused me of stealing his freckle, because he had it first… Hah! What a butt… We both knew that *I* had it first. Mine was just smaller cuz my hand is smaller. Hmm. I still say that HE stole my freckle and that’s why mine has been getting less dark as time goes on… -.- HE claimed mine wasn’t permanant because I stole his ink. HmPH. roite. I still think mine is more probable.
1907595
Ahhhh… How refreshing! Blogger is BACK!
Thank you thank you thank YOU to all those people who contributed to the blogger server fund. :*) I really wanted to contribute as well, but then I remembered that a) I’m a dirt-poor high school student at the moment and b) I don’t have a credit card. BOO. Oh well, though. ^___^ YAY blogger.com!! I love them.
I’m at home today
Due to illness.. Gross. I should be doing some homework, I know… But blogger is just too tempting! I’ve been going for too long without being able to blog at anytime of day I want… Plus, I was gone for the weekend, so that didn’t help my blogger addiction. I remember trying to jot things down to remember to blog.. But now I’ve forgotten.
1893128
Having Trouble Typing
This morning in a frenzied attempt to cut out some shoulder pads from my red VASH: The Stampede jacket, I succeeded in chopping into the skin on the inside joint of my middle finger on my left hand. A nice, 1/8th an inch deep wound. A 1/8th an inch wound that filled a substantial part of my cupped, very painful hand in blood. It was great.
The bleeding has stopped, which is great, but the wound opens up every time my middle finger comes close to being straight. For some reason the muscle from my wrist to my middle finger is screaming with pain every time i move it. I don’t think i hurt nay muscles or anything.. ALthough a good portion of feeling has left my middle finger… heh.
1893000
Catching Up…
Haven’t been able to connect to blogger for a long time. Last weekend I went on another board meeting for KEY Club… Wow.. It’s been a long time since i’ve felt secure about what KEY club is really there for. Finally seeing everyong again, and realizing that we’re all working towards the same general goal makes me feel really happy.
I’m dead tired, though. It never feels like I get enough sleep at these things, and when I get home it always seems as if I have so much … stuff… to do. I hate that. I think everybody feels that way, though… I mean, we’re all pretty busy I guess. ^^; I heard I missed an “online party” last night with the board though.. Heh, darn. I was voted on the standouts as “Online the MOST” too. ^_~
Ah. Nick is distracting
I was finishing something up and, of course, Nick signed on. I love how I want to stop working on everything while I talk to him. hah. It’s great. He always has such interesting things to say, though… and I really can’t imagine NOT wanting to talk to him. He’s still such a mystery to me… A good kind of mystery, though.
1857886
Fickle? Or just Human?
Sometimes, when I think about him I really don’t know how I can feel so strongly about one human being… And then at other times… I despise him with all my heart. Haha.. I despise him because I’m so infatuated I suppose, and I can’t understand that. It’s like when you have a bad habit… and you wonder why it feels so good doing whatever it is you do… but at the same time you hate yourself, because you know it’s not doing you any good.
What have I accomplished in liking him? Absolutely nothing. If anything, I’ve been hindering myself and him because of my foolish adolescentesque troubles. I’ve gone backwards in my quest for maturity, and have ended back in fifth through seventh grade when I liked Martin Sobotkiewicz and couldn’t tell him… Hah. And then there was Travis Gonzolas… I guess, since then I’ve promised myself never to be secretive about my feelings.
It’s not like I’m being very secretive anyway… I’m pretty obvious about the way I feel. But why why why… Why can’t I just tell him straight out? It weighs upon me heavily that I haven’t the courage to just admit to him that I have feelings for him. I think I said something about it once or twice… But it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.
Then… Why tell him in the first place? Telling him would be a sort of ultimatum, right? I mean, he would be forced into telling me how he felt about me… I don’t really want to hear the truth — because I do know the truth… But I’d still like to think that I have a chance. Haha… I love the way I willingly blind myself. I suppose knowing for sure would bring a nice feeling of finality.
But I don’t really want finality. What is it that I want then? I ask myself that very question every day. You know.. I don’t think I would be feeling this way, though, if all my friends who suddenly have significant others didn’t start trying to push me towards the “get with somebody or you’ll be a lonley old maid” ideology. I swear, that’s what it feels like. “Why don’t you get with so and so? It feels so good to be with someone… Don’t wait too long.. blahblah” on and on…
I always thought that you couldn’t wiat too long… I mean… If the person goes away, that just means it wasn’t meant to be, right? I mean… I can’t imagine myself rushing into a relationship anymore… It’d be too traumatic… Plus.. Who wants to be tied down to somebody they barely know?
One of my friends recently went into a relationship where he only knew the girl for a couple of weeks… and only online. They met, and immediatel started to go steady afterwards. And then, when I commented on it, he said that he felt for her as much as I felt towards the one I like. That irked me at the time because I knew he had never met her and only knew her online… But even more when I found out that he had only known her for a couple weeks.
Well, now those two are having problems. She’s his first girlfriend, and he’s being torn ten different ways it seems… adn it’s only been five days since they started going out. This is one of the people who is encouraging me to get into a relationship. I don’t understand people like that. Misery likes company, I suppose. (Even though he ademantly will deny he’s in any misery)…
Hah.. two days ago, he even asked me why I liked the on I liked…. I didn’t even start to tell him when he said “Wow, that’s a lot of things…”… But what can I say? He’s able to go steady with a girl he’s only known for two weeks. I think it’s a relationship of desparation though… he’s not very attractive, and I don’t know about her.. but from what he has told me it sounds like she’s rather… easy.
Aish. This is getting too long. I guess after finishing that 15 page report, I just got used to typing away. ^_^* Aiiet. Leyts
