Archive for November, 2001
November 18, 2001 at 2:30 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
eighteen years of my life have passed and i’m still searching for somthing to become passionate about. i look at the people around me and i can see their passion, their will, as they do the things they love to do. i still haven’t found anything that i can truly concentrate my energies onto like that yet. some days, like today, i feel lost.
there are many things in my life that i like, things that i enjoy, but nothing that i passionately love or plan to passionately go after. there are things that bother me and things that i dislike, but nothing that i can’t ignore if i try really hard.
i want to be a rebel with a cause. or just have a cause. i want to be able to justify the things i do with something other than “because it’s beneficial to me”. i want to be able to say “oh yeah, i’m into that” without feeling as if i’m half-assed. it’s weird. i thought going to college would help me find myself. instead, i feel more lost than ever.
November 17, 2001 at 8:39 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
one of the more pleasant feelings in the world is nostalgia. i’m one of those people who loves looking at old year books and pictures just because of the memeories they evoke. i love it when i smell old smells, however gross, if it reminds me of good times.
it’s like the smell of musty old books. books that have been taken by water and then not completely dried before they were put away. that mildewy smell of those books in the back from the library. the smell reminds me of Nancy Drew, The Phantom Tollbooth, the Wrinkle in Time and the Boxcar children hardcovers. Always on the lower rows it seemed like, always ready to be opened and explored.
i miss those old friends. i remember a time where they were my only company.
i find myself looking at the things i’m doing now and wondering if i’ll ever feel nostalgic about them — knowing that i will. i look at things and wonder what will elicit the memories of the way i feel right now. what will make me remember back about my dorm life? what will make me think about the people i know and the situations i’m going through right now? what songs will i attatch to this time in my life? with so much changing, will i be able to remember it all?
that’s one of the things that i regret about blogging sometimes. mostly i don’t really write about what i actually did during the day, but more of what i think about what i did during the day. it’s not actually an accurate events keeper. i guess that’s what my planner is for.
i think i’m going to start writing events in my paper journal from now on. aww. my cute tarepanda journal. i’ve missed it a lot. i wish i was less addicted to online life and could pry myself away from the computer so i could write things other than blogs and e-mails. like paper mails and keep up my paper journal.
bleh. 
unfair, though. i can’t read other people’s paper journals.
November 17, 2001 at 1:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
“i hope NOBODY i know sees me today. at all!” i said this morning to my roommate.
attention. i crave it. i love it when people look at me. i love it when people visit me ‘just because’ i love it when people say ‘hi’ to me while i’m walkiing down the street. but there are just those days when i just want to be a hermit. i don’t want to be seen heard from or hear from anybody. i don’t want people to look at me. i just want to curl up and be by myself.
this seems to be the same day that i see randomly attractive guys that i’ve met previously while walking outside. the same day that friends want to drop by. the same day that i have to go to something that involves a lot of people.
without fail this seems to be the case every time. maybe my perception of the happenings around me just different when i don’t want to see anybody. maybe i just feel like it’s happening more than usual simply because i don’t want it to happen. but i swear i never see the people i want to look good in front of unless i look like shit.
it’s so unfair.
November 17, 2001 at 11:35 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i don’t think that there’s anything as pleasing as learning something and finally understanding it that you’ve been watching other people do from the sidelines for so long. it’s somewhat liberating, and so fascinating. it makes you realize why the people ever bothered to learn in the first place.
—
learning how to dance is addictive. i find myself thinking about different ways to contort my body that woud look ‘cool’ whenever i’m bored or i’m by myself. i find myself bending my arms in different ways to see whether or not it looks straight… talking to my peers and occasionally asking “hey, does this look ok to you?”
it’s sad how good it feels. Oh well. learning how to dance WELL is another matter. i’m not quite there yet. but goddamnit! i will be. i’m telling you! by the end of this year you’ll say “ooo”. 
maybe. unless you’re david or james and you taught me everything i knew. ^^**
November 16, 2001 at 5:54 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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November 16, 2001 at 3:47 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
with so many posts about my worries i figured i’d write about all the things that i’m appreciative of.
my friends: there are some people in my life that i know i can always turn to whenever i’m feeling down — and some people that i’ve met since coming to uci that i think will stay in my life for a long time.
school: i’m happy to be here at all, considering how much i messed up in high school. i’m happy that i was able to turn my views and make it to where i am. though i complain about being here sometimes, that’s just my insecurity acting up.
my computer: it’s my baby. period. =]
good roommate: my roommate and i get along incredibly well for two people who never knew each other before this. it’s almost as if we’ve known each other for a really long time sometimes. we have just enough similarities that we can get along but enough differences so that it’s not like we’re getting into each other’s business. she’s quirky.
the people who read this: if there weren’t people reading this and responding to the things that i write, i don’t know if i would have advanced so much emotionally during the last couple years. i remember writing endless journals in middle school but never getting anywhere with them because they were so private that it was impossible for me to have any input on my problems.
ahh. there’s so many more things i’m thankful for. i don’t know why i’m drawing a blank, but there will definately be a cont’d version of this… maybe tomorrow… or next week… or next month. sometime.
November 16, 2001 at 1:36 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
now when i think back about the giddiness i felt whenever i talked to him or saw him i laugh at my silliness… but then i realize that i will still always be silly that way. the sad part is that i know i’m being silly, i know that i should act cool, be more reserved — but i can’t help myself.
when i see the one i care for i feel not just my face but my whole body lighting up in a smile. it’s a strange feeling to explain, but that’s exactly what it feels like. i feel radiant. i feel as if nothing could go wrong in that moment and that their smile is all that’s important. it makes me want to hit myself, to tell myself to calm down.
though the majority of the time i fear touch, whenever i’m around the one i care about, i’m drawn to sitting too close to them. i’m drawn to playing with their fingertips. i want to kiss their cheek. those things are so intimate to me.
it’s hard for me to explain what i find intimate and why. it’s weird, how in certain situations just a look will tell you more than could ever be said, or how fingers entangled with each other mean more than any words that could be expressed, or how talking with each other in the silence of the night about everything and then nothing makes you realize that you never want to go to sleep because the happiness in dreams can’t equal how good it feels just to be there next to that person.
it’s strange, how around different people you feel different types of happinesses, and even when it’s in the same intensity, the happniess is always slightly different. it’s strange how the happiness of laughing your ass off until your stomach hurts and your eyes water can be less intense than the happiness you show through smiles and soft kisses.
i love digression. i don’t even remember what i was talking about in the beginning of this post. :/ the advil must be kicking in.
November 16, 2001 at 11:42 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i think for women, there should be at least two days of the menstral cycle from which they are allowed to be removed from society. i really don’t think i should be out there, trying to function and get along with my peers in this state. it’s just not going to work out this way.
i blew up at somebody in class today. it was ‘discussion’, but yes. he was mumbling. mumbling something against what i believed in. so with an annoyed face i countered his argument. and then i countered his next argument. every thing he said i would counter. just because that kid annoyed me so much.
after today, i’m sure my crankiness will go away. after the cramps, headaches and sore breasts are gone i’m sure i’ll be a much happier camper. however, as of now, i feel like throttling something. the only life-sized thing around is my giant panda, though. i don’t think i could strangle that. it’s too cute. =]
being a girl really sucks at times. :T
November 15, 2001 at 10:11 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i don’t know what it is, but now two months after our breakup, though things haven’t been sour or anything like that, reading entries like this on jason’s site make me feel as if we live in completely different worlds.
i remember back in the day when we would debate about things, and our views would be so different. it seems like yesterday when we were arguing about whether or not religion is necessary in a society. — he believed that people who follow religion are weak and that if religion were completely removed from our society, our lives would continue the same way. — i believe that though religion isn’t right for all, some can find strength in it and that because almost all societies are founded on religion [even ours] society would be completely different, and even chaotic without religion.
we’re so different. our goals are different, the way we see things are different… yet we both have one thing in common, at one point we cared for one another.
people always say that caring for one another is enough. even if being together means compromising your ideals. even if being together means letting your life go to shambles just because you’re in love. look at the story of Romeo and Juliet, they couldn’t be together so they whacked themselves. because it was enough for them to be in love with each other. or my ex-boyfriend the situation with his ex girlfriend [refer to link above], he claims he stopped getting good grades and stopped caring about success because he loved her.
i don’t think that it’s enough. even if you care for somebody there’s a point of destruction where you have to realize that even though you care for a person you’re ruining your life because of them. i think that if the other person truly cares about you they wouldn’t let you go down the hole like that. if the other person truly cares about you they’d make sure you succeeded.
well maybe that’s just me. maybe that’s just the way i feel when i care about somebody. i guess for some, just loving each other and being with each other all the time and being together and being in love is enough.
what was my point? oh yeah. we’re so different. it’s like we live in different worlds. i can’t even begin to talk about how removed i feel from him right now.
November 15, 2001 at 9:51 am · Filed under Rigamarole
every night should be a night that’s full of sleep. waking up in the morning after 3 hours of sleep always seems to give me the feeling of “crap. so much to do today. so tired.” i think it’s because whenever i stay awake that long it’s almost always because i DO have way too much to do the next day.
waking up from eight hours of sleep as opposed to five or six or even three that seems to be the norm around here is actually quite refreshing. when i wake up, even if there’s a lot to do, i feel as if there’s a “bring it on!” type of deal. i think a lot of is its a *psychological bullcrap here* type of deal. weird how that can be.
it’s nice to be completely alert for a change.
during high school it was so easy to go to bed early. i used to be tired if i got any less than seven or eight hours. it took me at least ten hours to feel refreshed. ahh. it’s like i’m adapting or something.
oh well, sleeping is for the weak… and the weekends. [ok i apologize. that was really corny.]
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