Archive for November, 2001
November 14, 2001 at 11:41 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
wow, i don’t think i have ever had a booger in my nose that big. looking back, i wonder how i was even able to breathe at all. it was the size of a nose cork. i swear! it was the weirdest thing ever. i almost pissed my pants.
except i wasn’t wearing any. it happened to fly out of my nose as i rubbed my face in the shower. i felt a suddenly refreshing feeling in my nose [air, i think] and saw this… THING in my hand. haha. with all of my talk of diarrhea and pooing and peeing — this was pretty gross!
—
speaking of gross, incidentally i have a discrete mathematics test tomorrow.
November 14, 2001 at 9:56 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
some seem to drift through life with the mentality of “go with the flow”, and somehow they always make it. it seems to me that sometimes the more you try, the more you struggle against what life is giving you, the harder the current becomes, until you find yourself in a whirlpool that you can’t seem to pull yourself out of.
sometimes i feel that go with the flow mentality. it’s so nice, it’s so relaxing — but it opens the heart and soul for more disillusionment and jadedness when it ends. when the mentality falls away like a dead skin, a newer, seemingly thicker more calloused skin appears : a more cynical me.
i don’t think i like it… because though i’m armed with this new, stronger, more durable skin, i feel as if i’m falling in and endlessly dark pit that has no bottom. when the go with the flow mentality disappeared, so did my sense of stability.
what am i doing? who am i really?
i should stop thinking. i need to stop thinking. i’m too busy for self introspection. at least that’s what i’d like to tell myself… but that seems to be what’s most on my mind as of late.
i wonder if this is called changing.
November 14, 2001 at 2:12 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i’ve decided that starting tomorrow morning, i’m going to appreciate life more. or at least attempt to. i’m going to look at my life and play “what’s right with this picture?” and “what can i do with this picture to make it more right?” instead of “what’s wrong with this picture” and “fuck that, i’m going to sleep”.
i’m going to be strong and take whatever the world gives to me tomorrow. i’m going to do what i say i’m going to do. i’m going to work hard to not make promises i can’t keep. i’m going to try my best on my homework even if i don’t know what the fuck’s going on.
if you think i’ll forget all my resolutions by tomorrow night, raise your hand!
November 13, 2001 at 11:54 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
some days i wonder why i agree to participate in so many things on top of my classes. tomorrow there is simply too much for me to do in one day. why is it that even when i try to do things in advance, there’s always something that i haven’t done. something that’s urgent. something that needs to be done. something that i’m forgetting.
some days i just want to bury my head underneath my pillow and wish it all away. wish away the homework. wish away my mother. wish away the impending projects. wish away my responsibilities.
i wish i lived in a world in which my responsibilities consisted of looking for the perfect [richest?] husband and making sure the maids cleaned the house.
i wish i lived in the foo foo world of pride and prejudice.
November 13, 2001 at 10:10 am · Filed under Rigamarole
sometimes i feel as if life is just a giant tornado carrying me along. i don’t knowwhat’s going to happen to me, what i have and what i don’t have, what’s been destroyed, what’s been preserved, whether or not some people i care about are okay, and yet i just keep getting blown, drifting along until i find the eye of the storm — only to build new glass houses, meet new people, create new relationships, start over, work hard in school, only to have it all blown away and destroyed again in one fell swoop.
why do i drift from people so easily? i really really want to uphold my relationships, but then something inside of me makes me stop talking to people. stop making an effort to see the people that i love. and then i feel that i’m too distant from them to talk to them. and then i feel i’m too distant from them to visit. and then the friendship as i once knew it ends.
” i learned that friendships are made and maintained, and nobody is going to do it for me. ”
said david, when writing about what he learned in college on 30.4.2001. how inspiring. working to maintain a friendship? so different than in H.S. when people that you are friends with are basically people that you see every day.
weird. i get the sudden urge to talk to my buddies from SanJose. =T
November 13, 2001 at 2:24 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i made cookies the other day. they were really good cookies too. there’s something i remember saying from that night, though, as i was mixing up the batter and talking to my friend bao [who, at the time was making curry].
‘whenever i make cookies, i have someone in mind’
it’s wierd how much i’m affected by the peoplle around me, the people i pay attention to and the people that i notice. it’s the little things that other people say that inspire me to do certain things in the end. even brushing my hair. attempting to look nice. smiling. even doing my homework.
i’m such a conformist… why do i feel so different?
it’s nice to have someone in mind, though, while making cookies. that’s the only time i actually make them, really. the one time i made them with no one in mind they came out doughy. and then when i made them with doubts in my head, they came out too burnt AND doughy at the same time. it just wasn’t the right time.
it’s weird, how the way you feel changes the way you cook. at least that’s the way for me. especially the way i feel towards the person that i have in mind. tee hee.
i don’t even like to eat cookies that much.
November 12, 2001 at 1:50 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
again while surfing the ‘net (this time from ernie’s site), i find a blog that makes me read without stopping. something that actually makes me stop and wonder that i’ve been complaining about all this time: Musings From the Left Coast is one of those blogs that really makes me wish that blogs weren’t written by real people writing about their real lives. it makes me wish i were reading a fictional story, it’s that touching.
November 12, 2001 at 12:37 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i’d like to think that i’m not an emotional person. and in some ways, i really am not. i rarely cry in movies (i didnt even cry during titanic… oOoO). i guess the fact of the matter is that i don’t cry when i should. but then, when i shouldn’t, or when it wouldn’t be expected, i let the tears flow freely. some things for some reason affect me more than others.
sometimes i wonder if i’m emotionally backwards.
like the time when i was little, and my mom’s coworker didn’t cut the orange in half the way that i could see the star in the middle. or the time i mistook one of my mom’s poor customers for one of her rich ones and cried when i thought that she had forgotten my birthday.
i didn’t cry at graduation. i couldn’t even squeeze out tears. when we had our last key club goodbyes, even though kc had been the most important thing in my life for almost three years… but then i cried when i read on a blog that a friend was having problems.
i always try to squeeze out the tears, when people around me are crying… graduation, convention, even titanic. but somehow, the only tears that come are the kind that usually come out when you squeeze your eyes too hard.
the thing is, it’s not as if i’m not emotional. i’m very emotional. i find myself crying a lot and crying hard at times. it almost always has to do with my mother. somehow (maybe it’s 18 years of experience) she always knows how to bring the tears out of me.
does she do it on purpose? i dont know.
whenever i see or hear about people who have gone through similar pains in life as me, tears begin to gather in my eye. i hate to think that anyone would have to suffer pains at all.
when i’m all alone and wonder about where my life is going and whether or not i’ll be able to survive in the ‘real world’, the tears come.
it’s weird, isn’t it, how different things trigger different reactions in different people? Of course, it would be nice if the things that triggered reactions in other, more ‘normal’, also triggered reactions in me. =T
November 12, 2001 at 10:40 am · Filed under Rigamarole
remember that game we used to play as little kids? it was called “what’s wrong with this picture”. you would look at the picture and point out all the things out of place in the picture, say, a mitten on a boy’s head or a clock with no hands… or other silly things like that.
i wonder who created that game. i think it caused me psychological damage.
these days i play that game on everything i see. everything i do and everyone i know. “what’s wrong with this picture?” i always ask. rarely “what is right with this picture?” or “what do i like about this picture?” it’s always “what is wrong with this picture?”. i blame this solely on that game.
perhaps they should have made the game name a little more positive. afterall, the word wrong has such bad connotations.
—
i know, i’ll go on a crusade. like those moms against drugs [MAD] and whatevers. i’ll be CSAWWWTP. college students against whats wrong with this picture. our sub-title would be “because it has messed us up as growing kids” or something like that. YEAH.
i’m going on a crusade. wish me luck!
November 12, 2001 at 10:39 am · Filed under Rigamarole
remember that game we used to play as little kids? it was called “what’s wrong with this picture”. you would look at the picture and point out all the things out of place in the picture, say, a mitten on a boy’s head or a clock with no hands… or other silly things like that.
i wonder who created that game. i think it caused me psychological damage.
these days i play that game on everything i see. everything i do and everyone i know. “what’s wrong with this picture?” i always ask. rarely “what is right with this picture?” or “what do i like about this picture?” it’s always “what is wrong with this picture?”. i blame this solely on that game.
perhaps they should have made the game name a little more positive. afterall, the word wrong has such bad connotations.
—
i know, i’ll go on a crusade. like those moms against drugs [MAD] and whatevers. i’ll be CSAWWWTP. college students against whats wrong with this picture. our sub-title would be “because it has messed us up as growing kids” or something like that. YEAH.
i’m going on a crusade. wish me luck!
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