Archive for November, 2001
November 11, 2001 at 2:09 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i’m the type of person that becomes easily inspired by the people around me and the people that i’m exposed to. i take what i see and like in people and try to infuse those qualities in myself. that’s quite possibly why i’m such a mixed nut. however, i’m not normally the person that inspires other people.
that’s why it touches me so much when somebody tells me that i’ve inspired them. to me, that has got to be one of the most touching compliments in the world. i mean, it’s like saying that whatever it is that i did that inspired them, was good enough that they were prompted to do something similar themselves.
wow. that’s really powerful.
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there’s lots of people that inspire me. many of which are on the side right there under ‘linked’. a lot of them are people that have made me think “wow. i want to be like that”. people that make me feel the need to become a better person.
i wonder if it’s weird. ^^* probably , huh… but i don’t care! 
November 10, 2001 at 9:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
it’s weird how sometimes, you can be friends with one person, but then when you meet all the rest of the people they associate with, it’s hard for you to assimilate into that group. you would think that somehow if you’re a certain’s person’s friend, you would automatically be able to get along with the people they get along with — since people attract people who are like them, right?
today i had one of those experiences. it’s always a little disappointing to know that there are types of people that i can’t get close to. people that i can’t even imagine wanting to know more about. people that i prefer to know on the surface level and keep it at that. that doesn’t happen to me very often — i usually want get to know people more. today was different somehow.
i can’t really say what it was. maybe it’s because we were at the mall and we kept going into really expensive stores like armani, fendi, chanel etc. although, that usually doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all. a lot of my friends are actually rich enough to buy things in those places without even looking at the price tags. maybe it was the fact that these people weren’t my friends. i don’t know. i just felt really silly going into those stores today. maybe because we were going in there without intent to buy [as opposed to how it usually is].
maybe i was just still in my bad mood and couldn’t snap out of it enough to enjoy the company of the people i was with. maybe i was just perceiving things weirdly today.
“none of my clothes cost more than like… two dollars. okay, maybe five dollars, but that’s my limit.” i proclaimed, in one of the more affluent stores.
“i think you’re in the wrong place, then,” my friend replied.
i think i was too.
as the evening wore on i began to think more about my relationships with people and how they work. how do i get along with certain people and can only be acquaintances of other people? i really don’t know.
maybe it’s just PMS or something, and i don’t feel like getting along with people. i don’t know what it is but im feeling alone. =T
November 10, 2001 at 3:03 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i almost stopped plugging journals in my weblog… but sometimes it just hits you… randomly you stumble across something that makes tears come to your eyes involuntarily and makes you clutch your heart in pain. i hate empathy. i wish i didn’t have any feelings. i wish i didn’t get drawn into this journal. i want to leave and read the idiotic ramblings of teenagers with no real problems… but i keep reading this one because it makes me hurt. and somehow it makes it addictive.
he’s right, i must have issues.
November 9, 2001 at 5:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i just had one of the more difficult experiences in my life. it wasn’t a midterm, it wasn’t a final, it wasn’t even riding my bike up the big hill right before reaching my dorm. this is going to be hard and kind of weird for me to write, but i feel like i need to express myself here right now.
Read the rest of this entry »
November 9, 2001 at 4:23 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i love pictures. i love looking at pictures, editing pictures, creating my own pictures… just pictures in general. i’m one of those people who reads yearbooks all the way through just because i love the pictures so much. i love the fact that you can keep a piece of a moment in a rush of chemicals/pixels. it just amazes me every time.
even the pictures that remind me of things that are painful. sometimes those pictures i like even more than others because they actually elicit feeling from me. most pictures are just there. they don’t bring out memories, they don’t give you that jolt that makes you think “oh wow, this is what its like to have memories”.
i love the way pictures make me feel and i love the way i can re-experience things even more lucidly than i normally can when there are pictures.
it may seem self-destructive, it may not make sense. but i like the bittersweetness of all of it. it reminds me not to make the same mistakes. it may take me longer to get over things because i keep reminders everywhere… but i am learning to admit that it was all once a part of my life and that i am a different person now.
November 9, 2001 at 2:00 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
weird how it is that everybody seems to be linked together in one big circle. through my anime/comic convention meanderings, i met my friend nick — from whom i received dance pictures of him and his ex gf. then i went to SPOP [school orientation] where i met kris and ryan. the other day nick came over with his pledge buddy and they saw the pictures of nick and his ex gf on my wall… and we found out that ryan [ my spop staffer ] was nick’s frat big brother… weird! but then today, i saw kris from my window walking along with this girl… and i was like “wait a sec! that’s the girl from the pictures!” … so i asked if her name was ‘michelle’ and she said yea. weird! weird! so it was her. i was like “weird! i have pictures of you on my wall!” and she replied with “wait, do you know blabla?” and i replied “uh no… but i think he came into my room one time” tee hee hee. really strange.
they’re all linked with each other… and now with me. weird how one by one second degree connection people can become first degree people. >_
i don’t know… i know this is a thing that happens to everyone. but for some reason, it seems to happen SO much more with me than everyone else! so weiiird. it must have been KEY Club mixed with Circle K my website and all my anime conventions. ^^*
November 8, 2001 at 9:52 am · Filed under Rigamarole
one of the coolest things in the world is reaching into your pocket and realizing that you or somebody else who was wearing whatever you’re wearing left something in the pocket. it’s like having a mini time capsule.
just last night i put on some pants that i haven’t worn in a while. in the pocket, i find, washed and worn, my old report card from last year. it made me remember how good it felt to get the report card. oh man oh man. i remember how great it felt to graduate high school.
“free at last! thank god all mighty, i’m free at last”. a great man said that once. i couldn’t phrase him better.
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i remember a few times in the past when i’ve found things in my pockets as well. the best is when you find something in your winter coat. those are awesome because sometimes it’s shit from a year or sometimes even two years [since you were too lazy to throw it out last year]. it makes for nice memories and a really good conversation starter, i think.
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maybe I should market a new product. it’ll be like sandwich baggies… only on the box it’ll be called “POCKET MEMORIES!” — and then under that “poketo memorisu” in Katakana (cuz if it’s japanese, people won’t question its validity). the main focus of the advertisment would be that you could have a “mini time capsule!” in your pocket, so that every time you wear your favourite jeans or whatever, you’d bust out with shit from every time before that you wore those jeans. whoa! i’m a genius.
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or, we could just stick shit into ziplock bags. but it wouldn’t be as fun!! ziplock bags weren’t MADE for pocket memories! pocket memories bags are!
– even if they are 5 times more expensive.
oh well, since they’ll come in various different colours and designs, it’ll all be worth it. YEPYEP.
November 7, 2001 at 6:55 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i think the hardest thing for a group of people to do is to make group names. i remember in KEY club when i was the buddy group leader of the “c” group. half of our icebreaker time was taken up thinking about a name! crazy. i think we ended up being “coo coo for key clubbin!” hehe. yeah, we’re just weird like that.
it’s hard for me to think of group names that aren’t stupid or corny sounding. i think it’s because i actually LIKE names that are corny and stupid sounding — which makes it hard to decide on group names when i’m usually the only one spouting off ideas.
weird. why do we label ourselves?
another hard thing to do is to name my webpages. it’s so confusing to me sometimes. at times i dont even know how i get the names that i do. like, unpinkified? that was so randomly done — katie and i were just talking about how our pages were pinkified and unpinkified and it stuck. how did i get my old names ? adolescent visions…. romantic illusions… ai no miko’s harem of boy love… how do i come up with those things? i don’t even know.
what do the names i choose say about me? what makes other people choose the names for their websites? i wonder if people who choose similar site names are similiar in character.
that would be an interesting study.
speaking of names, please go and vote for the best singing group name for my good friend ashish. 
November 7, 2001 at 2:53 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i think deep down i want to be famous. i want to become a superstar and live my life always in the public eye. of course, that would leave a lot of room for scandal, and i don’t know if i’d like that. — afterall, it’s not like i’m the model citizen or whatevers. more famousness more problems, it seems.
it seems that no matter how positive the light in which you are famous is, there are always people that dislike you. even if you’re famous in the best way, there’s always going to be someone who will try to bring you down.
take teenage pop stars — they always have to be super-clean and super good to be a good teen idol… but then, if they were super-clean and super-good, then they become boring and lose appeal. either way, you have to make somebody dislike you to have somebody else like you.
i don’t know if i can handle that.
i wonder how it would feel to know that there are legions of people out there that disliked me. i mean, i wouldn’t care much if it was a neutral thing, like “oh, i just dont care about that person even though they’re famous because they don’t interest me”… more of a “omg, how can that person be famous they’re so stupid and bla bla and these are all the bad things about them bla bla and these are the bad things that they could be…”
would it be worth the fame? i guess it depends on how famous you get and how much you value adoring fans and how much people disliking you bothers you.
heh. maybe it would be interesting to have a bunch of people really hating me. i would definately not get bored. maybe that’s why people are assholes on controversial threads.
the attention.
in the end, i think i wouldn’t mind being famous. maybe just a little famous and not so famous that people want to bring me down… but famous enough so that enough people know who i am so that i get a “can i get your autograph?” every once in a while. =]
yeah. i’d like that.
November 7, 2001 at 12:44 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
and i’m dying inside, but nobody knows it but me…
i’ve been so busy with my own problems that i’ve been completely neglecting some of my friends who are going through almost the same things as i’m going through right now. self-reevaluation, life evaluation, just general inner turmoils all together.
i feel guilty because i can’t really do anything to help. how can i, when i’m so messed up myself? i can’t give people advice for something i can’t even figure out for myself. i know it’s supposedly easier to give good advice to other people even if you can’t do it for your own life, but for me, things are confusing regardless of who it is.
then there are some friends who are going through things that are different than me all together. that’s even tougher — all i can actually do for them is be there… and i feel like i’ve been flaking out on that, too.
i need to re-assess my reading and listening skills. sure i read and listen, but do i truly digest these things, these self-revelations that people are writing about and telling me? i guess i’m not a very good critical thinker.
i think i should stop reading so many different blogs and start truly reading what people are trying to say.
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