| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | Very High |
| Antisocial: | High |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | High |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
– Click Here To Take The Test – |
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I’m not a schizotypal!! I really am not! ;_; OMG. I’m a nut.
my perfect man? oh good lawd, that’s a really hard one. i think i’d meet him somewhere really random. like at the grocery store at 3 o’clock in the morning while i’m wearing my pyjamas and looking sick as hell because i just rolled out of bed to go buy some medicine or something. or maybe i’d meet him while on one of my phases, like dressing up like an anime character, or maybe i’d run into him literally because i wasn’t paying attention to where i was going. — you get the idea, something unexpected.
he’d be tall, but not too tall. he’d be cute, not hot. he’d have a smile that takes over his whole face and a funny/quirky laugh. he’d be witty.
i would talk to him and then let him walk right out of my life — one of those meetings when you think that you’ll never see that person again, but you just happen to have a nice, yet uncommon 5 minute conversation with someone. a kind of conversation that can only happen at the grocery store at 3 AM. those deliciously random ones that are always so great.
and then i’d see him again somewhere else. somewhere less random perhaps. maybe a club or maybe during a gathering of some sort. maybe he’d come across my page online and say “oh look! there’s random girl from the grocery store at 3AM”
and then we’d really begin to talk. he’d be very fun to talk to — not too nice, but not a jerk either. he’d be the kind of guy that doesn’t have a ton of girls after him.
i’d like somebody who wrote corny poetry and likes bad chinese food and cheap coffee early in the morning. i want someone who will sit on a couch opposite of me and just talk about random things all through the night. my perfect man would use a lot of hand motions. he wouldn’t call me too often, maybe once a week or once every other week, but when we did talk they’d be long uninterrupted conversations. i want a person who’s ambitious and has lots of goals in life and has a chance of reaching those goals.
i’d like a guy who will act like a dork in public for me. a guy who will take lots of sticker pics and think of funny poses for us to do.
hehehe. hey, it could happen.
i find myself most attracted to people who aren’t completely nice to me. i don’t know what it is about people who have a bit of meanness in them. perhaps it’s because the more i dislike someone, the more i tend to be sugary sweet to them — maybe i just see it as a reflection of myself. “hey look, they’re mean to me, that must mean that they like me!”… that’s pretty twisted thinking there, if I do say so myself.
truthfully, if someone is really nice, i always wonder why they’re being nice. people in general aren’t nice — there’s always a reason for it. well, there are reasons for people to be mean, too, but those are generally easy to figure out.
people who are nice are always looking for something. satisfaction, perhaps? the happy feeling in their tummy that they’re a good person? the satisfaction of knowing that other people think they’re good people? that might be it. maybe it all really is for the perception of others.
but what about those people who always seem nice to everybody? i can’t really say that it’s “just how they are”, what makes them the way they are? what makes people sweet and never mean?
let my friends be slightly mean and simpleminded as opposed to constantly nice and hiding something. it makes life easier and less confusing for me.
i normally don’t remember anything of note from my childhood, not really anything at all. however, lately i’ve been remembering a lot of things that i clearly remember happening, but not really correlating with each other at all. i really wish i could remember my entire childhood in one piece, though. i’m sure i’d have plenty of great stories to tell. . .
—
Like the time I decided to play sherlock holmes and searched through all my parents belongings. I found this secret stash of individually wrapped balloons! Could you believe it, my parents had been hiding them from me all along. I decided that it was good time for a party, so I unwrapped them, blew them up and tied them together into clusters of 3 and then hung them up on all the doorways.
Hehe. Imagine my parent’s horror when they found clusters of blown up condoms tied to the doorways in our house.
doing proofs for discrete mathematics is a lot like being cynical, only not so fun. it makes me wonder whether or not discrete mathematicians were really good studies of character. actually, i think the math is simpler than people. afterall, people are so complex sometimes.
and fucked, too. all of us are kind of fucked in one way or another. some just way moreso than others.
—
funny, i’ve been wearing my anthrax mask that my brother sent me lately to prevent myself from breathing my noxious germs onto other people. strange, how they sent the mask to me before there was even a chemical warfare scare for real. i guess being overparanoid has its benefits. he’s probably thinking now, “see? see? what if i hadn’t bought the masks?! we would be in danger of anthrax!”
i still haven’t made the “escape plan” yet. -.-
—
incidentally, i can’t imagine ever growing up in a normal household.
layouts usually come to me so easily… but not this time. this was wrenched out of my guts in an attempt to inspire myself to do more. it’s actually in a style that i totally despise — contrived style that is. oh well, i guess everybody makes one or two really big mistakes in their lives. this can be chalked up as one of mine. ;)~ just playin.
even though i’m not satisfied with this, i put it up. why? simply because i like the change. i don’t like looking at the same thing over and over — and i’m sure people get tired of seeing the same layout every time you return, too. =P gasp. people coming here to read what i write? weird concept! 
i’m not some design guru, though i wish i were, but… whatevers =] at least it doesn’t look expage/asianavenueish. I wonder if people would keep reading if it were. O_o;
After several minutes of practicing, i’ve finally been able to put my leg behind my head! I feel really talented. I’d like to thank all the people that were there for me on my quest to be more limber. Hehe. =D
i have a sudden renewed interest in learning how to dance… for a couple weeks there, i thought i would never want to make another box again… but i realise now that it’s a pretty good way to get rid of my agressions. plus, thinking of more ways to do things is really difficult for me — so it makes for a good time passer.
i wish i had natural talent at dancing — i wish i was one of those people who could do things really really well without even having to think about it. i wish i were a lot of things, though… so i guess it’s all the same in the end. 
at least trying to become someone who can dance decently is more fun than trying to become someone who’s decently intelligent.
anyhow, it’s time for me to head out to my car now. i think i ate too much at lunch. consequently, I feel like barfing again.
The past few days have been full of sleeping, procrastination, dancing fun and lots of barfing. Not in any particular order, all of the above happened in big random chunks during the weekend, some happening more than others. Like sleeping… and procrastination.
I wrote my first fan-email the other day. To the guy from little yellow different. He seems really cool. I wonder if I’ll get a reply. I was slightly delerious from medication, so I might have sounded like a psycho killer. Funny, I’m actually nervous about whether or not he’ll reply. ^^;
I’ve been sleeping a lot these past few days. I can’t tell whether or not it’s because I’m truly tired, or because I’m just running away from my responsibilities and my thoughts. It’s probably a little bit of both.
—-
Barfing feels good. Especially if your somach’s been feeling funky for a while. that happened to me. I had a brief stint in the car yesterday after the dance, but didn’t really allow myself to go all out. today i finally forced myself to hurl it all out and it really felt great.
I hope i’m not becoming a bulemic. haha. that’s the third time i’ve barfed in a week. and it feels better every time. O_o;
—-
You know, it’s strange. Ever since that one night, with that strange incident with the drugs and alcohol where I came to some realizations, i feel like I’ve changed. I probably haven’t changed at all, and still act the same and all that ish. But for some reason a part of me feels more… conscious. I can’t really explain it. I feel as if I am more aware — and want to be aware — of the things around me.
I want to put it all into the box of “figment of my imagination”… but it’s really hard to when all of a sudden a lot of reactions towards things (just those little things that go on in the mind) suddenly change… I want to pin it to something, make it have a meaning. I dont want to just change for no reason… So I think that ngiht is a good enough scapegoat.
—-
My friend dave is having a hard time. Incidentally, I can’t bring myself to talk to him. I don’t know why, but I’m scared to go over there. Sometimes, I really don’t understand myself.
I care about you, though, dave. =T
http://www.sexranks.com/amazing . What the fuck? Somehow, ‘madpimp.com’ got listed as a site for the “sexranks.com amazing sex sites’ vote thing. hahah. This is too funny to be true. =D Please go vote for me.
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