got news earlier this morning that she got beat last night and screamed out the window for help. got news earlier this morning that she’s going to file a police report. the police will probably ask him questions. i hope i never have to hear from her again. there always seems to be trouble that follows her. and i don’t want more shit to go down. grar.
“and you had to go and jinx it” commented john, in my last entry.
he couldn’t have been more right. living such a sheltered life, i have never seen such brutality or violence. i’ve never been more scared for dave’s life since … well.. ok.. since the car accident a few weeks ago. i was pretty scared, though.
the most fucked up part was — i couldn’t do anything to help. it’s not as if i could have jumped in and kicked the 220lb 6ft guy’s ass for him. i would have been tossed out of the way like she was. it’s not as if i could have stabbed him with a knife — i couldn’t even make sudden movements for fear that he would do something crazy.
my mind raced. i considered taking out my rage on her… but she was the only one who could possibly neutralize him.
the only thing i could do was keep my mouth shut. well, it was open.. but i kept silent. i could only watch as the scene unfolded in front of me and become more and more angry, frustrated and confused as it went on.
what a night. this appartment is cursed with excitement. OhhhH the stories.
It’s nice having sleepy lazy days sitting around doing nothing but reading, chatting, and watching TV. Talking with friends and just relaxing myself, thinking about nothing and everything. I feel good.
It’s nice to be content.
would you rather be loved or envied?
I’d rather be respected above all else…
But of the two? I’d say I’d like to be envied by the majority and loved by a precious few. So I’d rather be envied than loved, I suppose. This comes from a deeply rooted lesson that was instilled into me at a young age by my mother.
From what I’ve seen, most of the time, ‘LOVE’ causes more problems than its worth. This is due to the fact that most people consider LOVE very precious [as do I] and blind themselves to think that if they’re in LOVE, everything will work out. Even when it doesn’t. When people LOVE you they can cause you just as many problems as when people ENVY you, only if they ENVY you, you know what’s coming and you can brace yourself for the hit. You can prepare yourself.
When someone LOVEs you, most of the time you a. Love them back, so can’t see that they’re hurting you. . . or b. feel sorry for them because you know they LOVE you and can’t believe that anyone who LOVEs you could try to hurt you.
I prefer ENVY for the majority.
my mind, something within me… falls. it’s that feeling that i can’t breathe again. the feeling that i’m choking and no air is coming to my mind. at the same time it makes me feel helpless, lightheaded and exhausted. i’m falling. i’m falling. and i can’t stop myself.
does this seem vague to you? let me tell you, its just as vague to me. i rarely know what causes the feelings that go on inside of me. all i can do is write them down, and then look at them later. i don’t understand myself at all.
—
Personal’s Ad:
Young asian girl with a fucked-up head looking for an understanding ear. Call 949.***.**** for more details.
You’ve done it. I’ve done it. You know you have. You’ve done it with two people in the room, and you’ve done it in rooms full of people. It’s sad. It’s pathetic. It’s…
IMing people when you’re in the same freaking room with them.
How many of YOU are guilty of that crime? The person can be less than one foot away and still, rather than take the effort to turn your head around and use your mouth to talk to them… You do what you do best. You IM them. ^_^;
—
And then there were the few times that I’ve been picked up by guys. Oh yeah, I’m pimpin it alright. I’m chillin, I’m smiling, I even get my mack on. And then…
Male : “So, can I get your number so I can call you up sometime?”
Me : “Uh… Sure. I’m not really a phone person though. Do you have AIM? Do you have a webpage? Do you have a blog? I can link you up! dUDE! dO you have a webcam..? I’ll totally put you up in my portal if you do.”
Male : “Uh.. I have AIM….”
Me : “Oh hell yeah. I just got an SN. Pimpness!”
Male : “Alright.. Uhh yeah.. Bye…”
—-
Remember back in the day before computers? The cool people wuold be like…”I just got a T-BIRD!” “Ohhh damn… Thats a tight car… It’s a babe magnet!” …………. “Yeah, I can benchpress 200LBs with 1 hand!” “Nah, man, that’s nothing! I can do 20 reps of that shit” etc etc.
Nowadays… “1.4 AMD T-BiRD BAYBEEEE” – “Well shiieet, I gotz a 1.6 ghz!! HA!” …. “Dood, that’s nothing, I got a gig of RAM!” — “CHECK OUT MY ALUMINUM CASE!” . “Hey everyone, I’d like you all to meet my baby… Yes yes. He does have a Lian Li case. =D Quite a monster!”
—-
Patrick says: “That’s it. You are a fucking computer nerd.”
Alright, so after some majorly mind numbing mind immersement into shit that I won’t remember past tonight, last night I came up with some rather good observations.
For example: “Some people, like you Dave, are so lucky because you guys are smart and can learn things quickly. Other people are unlucky because they’re dumb.”
Brilliance in every ounce of my being, I’m telling ya! I’m a motherfucking genius.
—-
I’ve been swearing a lot the past couple days. It’s as if my inner filter has been turned off or something and it’s finally leaking into my vocabulary. Today I found myself waving my fist at someone who had just unsucessfully cut me off and yelling “YEAH BITCH! That’s right! I’m not going to fucking let you fucking cut me off fuck no! hell fucking na! i fucking hate fucking people like that.. FUUUUUUCK.”
Of course, by the time the first “fucking” left my lips, the car was already out of site.
—-
I’ve been making a lot of random observations lately. Not just my wonderfully redundant and obvious ones, but also some about people in general that I don’t think are that apparent. Of course, this would be the choice moment for me to forget it. Oh yeah. Right about now I’m blanking out about the subject I was going to write about.
Alright. Time to go to bed.
I think everybody should have somebody to take care of. It’s such a nice feeling. You’ll rarely hear me admit it, but I love to cook for people. I love to bake. I really like to just make things for people. It feels nice when they say ‘thank you’.
Yeah. I think I’ll elaborate more later. So tired… Need to recoop from this thing called the-end-of-my-first-quarter-of-UCI
i find myself censoring more and more from this place. i feel as if i’m becoming more vague, saying more, yet less at the same time. I want to be able to share all the feelings that have been going through me lately, but I can’t. I can try, though.
—
I know I’ve been talking about an inner struggle with myself a lot lately. I feel helpless to stop it and I feel at odds with myself almost constantly. There are moments when I feel uncharacteristically good, and there are days that sometimes go by where I don’t feel anything at all.
And then suddenly something will trigger a surge of emotions. Anger, hate, resentment, sadness, depression — any of them, all of them. Always negative. Making me more and more pessimistic as the time goes on.
Somehow, I can laugh over it. Somehow my smiles hide it. Somehow, I keep plodding on.
I find it funny that so many people are under the misconception that if they wait for what they want, it will come and fall into their lap. New friendships, relationships, acquaintences, networking… it’s all the same. People think that stuff like that just happens. That’s not how it is most of the time… Sure, there are some times in life where things just seem to happen, but most things come with concious effort and stay for the same reason.
True, for some people, the effort to socialize and talk easily with new people is more than for others… However, I’m under the strong belief that that’s a thing that comes with practice. Social skills are learned, they’re not something that you’re born with. If that were true, we’d all be born knowing not to shit on ourselves.
I’m not saying that chance doesn’t happen, but I’m saying that 99% of the time the chance opens because you made an effort to be open to that chance happening.
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