Wednesday February 6, 2002 at 07:00 pm

February 6, 2002 at 3:00 am · Filed under Rigamarole

Hey…

It’s been more than a month. I think I really am falling in love with you. Your smile, your funny comments, the way you care for me.

And yet the reserve is still there. Even at this very moment my eyes well up, scared that perhaps… it’s all too good to be true, or that one day this happiness might abruptly end. I’m so afraid that my heart is going to break once again.

I’m just destroying myself inside with my own insecurities. I know I should talk to you about it — let things out into the open — let you know how I feel. I know that’s how you like things to be. But I’m so insecure that I can’t even do that.

I can only write here. To myself. Because I’m stupid and I can’t let my feelings show. How come I can’t stop falling?

Love,
Me.

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the desease

February 5, 2002 at 10:56 am · Filed under Rigamarole

My desease. Perhaps it’s spreading, or perhaps I never noticed it before because I was never aware until lately that it is something I posess. Or maybe I just never had a chance to posess it before.

What is this elusive ‘it’? It’s the thing from which most of my troubles erupt — My lack of self control. I see it everywhere lately — the way my room gets messy even when I swear up and down that I will stay clean. The way that I still go out even though I know I should be at home doing work. All the time I spend dillydallying and stressing out about shit when I could just be DOING it.

I thought it was only relavent to my relationships with people — but now I realize that it’s a long and never ending pattern in my daily life, in everything I do, in everything I touch. My school work, my relationships, my emotions, everything.

They say that recognition and admition of a problem is the first step in solving a problem — then how come it feels as if I would have been happier blissfully ignorant of my flaws? — How come it feels as if denying everything will make things easier?

At the same time, I suppose now I’ll always know that particular flaw in the back of my mind — now I can never completely run away from it. Bleh.

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hm

February 3, 2002 at 1:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole

I have such a lack of motivation of late… why? Life has not gotten any less competitive, yet I feel no need to push myself to my limits and try to see where my strengths and weakenesses lay — in private things (like webpage-stuff) and public things (like schoolwork). What’s wrong with me lately?

It’s that falling off the cliff feeling once again. I feel it, and I can’t do anything about it.

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