thinking
What can I do to not think? Because that’s what gets me in trouble. I want to go through the world as a blind thoughtless fool. Maybe then, maybe, I won’t be the way I am.
Archive for June, 2003
NeMo!
I don’t usually post these up, but this one was just too cute to pass up.
Which [Finding Nemo] characters are you?
Incidentally, I have 5 out of 8 of the finding nemo McDonald’s happy meal toys.
“toiletries”
I was at the supermarket last night getting some pads and something boggled my mind. I expected the pads to be with the other bodily needs like medicines and vitamins and stuff and as much as I looked for them, I couldn’t find them. Turns out pads and tampons and pantiliners were in the same aisle as household cleaning agents and motor oil. What the heck? Aren’t similar things supposed to be together? What do they think I’m going to do?! Get a pad, mop the floor and then fix my freakin’ car?
They need to re-think their design.
blah blah blah, cliche cliche
Need to get away. Need to have a release of some kind. A purging. And I don’t mean I need to take a shit, either. I need a katharsis of the mind. I need to break through these boundries that I’ve set for myself.
I think I tell myself that at least ten times a day. It never works.
The only time that I’ve ever been able to break away, it feels, is when I don’t even think about it. Going through boundries is such an effortless thing, yet it becomes increasingly difficult when I try.
I feel like all I write about is how much I fail at everything. How I’m worthless, how I’m useless. How I can’t be happy, even when I’m happy.
I’d like to believe that’s not true, but reading back, it seems like its hard for me to think about good things… That’s why I’m going to write one happy thing in each entry from now on.
Incidentally, I have a job interview tomorrow. I know I’ll do well.
back in the day..
Two years ago around this time
I didn’t have time to write in my blog because I was so busy enjoying life. I was busy with school, friends, preparing for college, loving everything.
One year ago around this time
I had just began medicating myself for bi-polar disorder. I was too busy trying to enjoy life that I couldn’t enjoy it.
I wrote:
I’m weirded out by the fact that I can be happy. I’m weirded out by the fact that I can be okay, not sad, not obsessed with my impending insanity — or death. It freaks me out that I feel like I’m possibly okay. That I might become my old self again. That I might be happy again.
Today I feel
Today I feel like I’m at the same place I was a year ago, yet so far away. I’ve advanced in that I have found my ability to be happy again, however, I’m in the same place because of late I’ve been getting anxiety attacks again. Now, though, I have vowed not to medicate myself because I realise that I can’t really feel happy on meds without wondering if the happiness is fabricated.
Where will I be a year from now, I wonder?
