Wow… It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. My world has felt like a whirlwind lately. Every time I try to sit down and blog… Something comes up and I leave the thing half written…
Anyhow… Haha… Last weekend I went to see Nick… Yes… 7 hours away by car… And I went to see him… You know how? Mike drove me… Geez… I feel messed. :T It’s OK though… I got to spend 2 whole hours with Nick… It was beautiful! The pictures will be up soon… We took a total of 27 pictures (haha! An entire disposable camera’s worth..) and a sticker picture… (Damnit.. Ripoff of $4… its OK though)…
From the second I stepped into the lobby of the hotel where I was staying at 7AM (our meeting spot and time)… It became like a dream… He was sitting and talking to one of the people in the lobby… I came in… he looked up… and… DAMNIT…I think I smiled. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t smile too much… But from the pictures I took with him.. it looks like I didn’t achieve my goal :P…
We say things… I don’t remember what they were… I am sure they were just the usual greeting blabber… All I could think was… *he will be gone in less than 2 hours…*… I wished to myself that eveyrthing would go perfectly… Though now I know that things would have been perfect regardless: because i finally got to see nick!… I was afraid for a little while that I would be disappointed… because I had anticipated seeing him so badly… that maybe I was just fooling myself.. and he wasn’t the ‘perfect man’ that I remembered….
I would probably have it easier if he wasn’t…
We hugged… It was a nice hug… Even though I am not so fond of hugging… it was a nice hug…Somehow, even after touching him he retained his dream-like qualities… He had been a dream… a figment of my imagination for so long…
Walking to the car we exchaned triviolities… I think we were comparing Nick’s car to Mike’s… I sat down in the car and sniffed. It smelled like lemons. Looking around I saw the culprit: a lemon scented car deoderizer. “My friend gave it to me,” he says… I grinned. *Why am I so silly?!* I wondered to myself.
The two of us are indecisive. Neither of us wants to make the decision. For me, it is because I want to do whatever he wants. I want him to be happy. I know I will gladly do anything he wants to do. I just want to look at him.
We wander in the car… Talking about everything yet talking about nothing… It’s wonderful… He makes me smile… He makes me laugh… I feel so comfortable around him! It’s heartbreaking… how much I care about him…
Finally we decide on Starbucks… We order our drinks and sit down… Here, sitting face to face I finally get to study him. I take his hand on the pretense of reading his palm. Then I look at his fingers… and his nails… I memorize his hands… They make him real: His hands are not perfect. He has knuckly hands… With hair on the part between the two knuckles on both parts of all his fingers… Except for his pointer finger. I remember. He also has some hair on his chest. I remember. The details make him so real.
At one point.. he covered my hand with his. I look at him questioningly and he smiles and pulls away.
We finish our drinks and return to the car. I am accosted by the lemon smell that I now associate with Nick’s car. We now have a mission. We are going to find a place that sells a disposable camera. And we are going to take pictures of ourselves together. He has no idea how much I love pictures. We wander around forever and find this ghettoish mini market. We buy a camera.
Ahh… I cannot recount anymore… It hurts too much to think about how much I enjoyed being near him… I enjoy him so much it makes me want to cry. I ask myself why… I do not understand how anybody in the whole world can affect me as much. I want to cry – my time with him was so beautiful… so perfect… I wish he had hated me. I wish he had told me he never wanted to see me again.
Instead, the other night he said that he never wanted to forget me.
Why did that… does that.. make the tears come to my eyes and run down my face? I want to forget about him. I want someone who is reachable. I want to see him again. I want too many things. I wish too much. I dream too many dreams. Seeing him again was a fantasy come true… And yet… It makes me melancholy.
Perhaps I’ll finish my story later… Now… I must leave and… live a life.. and try not to think about Nick… Haha.. How ironic… Perfect Man just came on my winamp.
