I feel… Strangely Alone..

I haven’t been on AIM for 3 days… I suppose it isn’t that surprising that I miss the company of my fellow digital buddies… However, a part of me is simply amazed that I can’t even go for a whole day without thinking, “Ooo.. I wonder if so and so is online.” The strangest part is — many of the people I know and talk to all the time, I don’t even have their phone number. I don’t have their address. Not even their e-mail. How do I bring myself to call somebody my friend — or even acquaintance, if I don’t even know their last name?

And yet I do. I’m shocked at myself. I’ve lived in a world that is so… Sheltered, and fake… And most of all, 80% imaginary. That’s what this is, isn’t it? It’s like reading a book, you take what you want out of it. Long silences on AIM can mean the person is ignoring you, or for all you know, they’re making their dinner. Even I, myself, have been prone to creating rapid B.S. excuses at the appropriate times.

Online, we see what we want to see, and we know others feel the same… So we tell them what they want to hear. I realise that not so deep within my facade of confidence, there lies a lonely girl, who doesn’t really believe she will succeed. But my so-called friends don’t want to see that. They want to see somebody who is self assured, somebody who knows where they’re going. So then I give that to them.

emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty. just like me.

smashing pumpkins