I wish I was smart enough

to act stupid from the beginning.

There are so many bimbos out there, girls that act like total retards
that pretend they don’t have anything better in their minds than
looking good and finding a rich husband, that it would really shock me
if there weren’t some super geniuses hidden underneath those perfectly
made-up, manicured, dyed, expensive veneers.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t stay stupid.

I actually played the stupid-idiot-blonde-asian-stereotype for a
while. I was in 6th grade and my parents had just gotten
divorced. I hated school because I never really fit in, and I
hated home because there was nothing but sadness and anger there.
All I did when I got home was take as many sleeping pills and tylenols
and advils as I could [at one point, I was taking about 8 pills a day
— by that time I was in 8th grade haha] and fall asleep.

Because I was in a constant stupor, I was able to convince my mom
and my brother that I was an absolute dolt. A bunch of drama
happened. Long story short -> I ran away from home
in 8th grade and put in a mental for a couple days after that.

And for some reason after I came back, I stopped acting stupid.

It was probably the worst mistake of my life. Once people started to realize that I wasn’t an idiot, they started to have expectations for me. Teachers
started giving me extra homework, my parents pushed me harder to do
well in school, I started thinking that I would go somewhere in life.

If I had kept up my dumb act, expectations would be lower.

I could have been able to concentrate my skills on things that
require little responsibility, like
myself, the way I look, what I wear each day, and whether or not my
hair and nails match the type of clothes I’m wearing…. And no one
would question why I spent my time that way because I’d be a ‘typical’
air-headed-girl type.

There are days when I want to drown myself in empty-headedness and plunge into the darkness of shallow thinking. Then maybe living wouldn’t be such a difficult task. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so tired all the time.

Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so insecure when I stand next to those perfectly manicured girls.