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Time, Hibernation, the Winter.

I feel like I’ve been in hibernation for the past few weeks. It’s as if I’m walking around awake in a dream world that isn’t mine.

Sorrow bleeds into laughter which melts into brief moments of grief that turn into intense pangs of happiness tinged only slightly by the knowledge that eventually, I will have to wake up. I have no control over this world.

I don’t want to control it.

I’ve pulled myself away from much of what I deem to be parts of my life that weigh too heavily on me. Pieces that make my mind scream. Pieces that eventually make me feel worthless, pieces that will one day make me drive my tiny car into a semi truck or take that handfull of escape. Too bad I cannot run away from responsibility forever. Unless I do.

Just for now, I will indulge myself in this fancy that if I just don’t look back, the past will correct itself.

I want to run away. I love where I am.

I can’t feel my heartbeat. I’m not human. I’m just a shell.

And yet, there’s happiness amidst all of this. There is joy in this winter that I never expected. I’ve found a feeling that I want to call ‘home’.

I will get out of this. I will. Just give me a little bit of time.

I’m just a little crazy, that’s all.

Love,
Kim