fun with the tablet.
sigh. i need to get out of this body. hah
John said,
Dear Kim…thanks for accepting my appology at Chris Pirillo’s blog.
I feel so embarrassed when that happens…
As you can see, I’m really new at this…don’t even have a "web site" yet….just a "place"
John said,
I had to come back quickly…have never been here before save the above post….after reviewing your site…
Gee Kim….step outside your body(mentally) and watch yourself evolve….you redefine the word
DEEP.
John said,
I had to come back quickly…have never been here before save the above post….after reviewing your site…
Gee Kim….step outside your body(mentally) and watch yourself evolve….you redefine the word
DEEP.
Vernon said,
What took you so long to see a phsyciatrist? Do you take some pride in how low you can go? Maybe that’s why you haven’t killed yourself: you want to discover if it’s possible to hate yourself even more. Are there new depths to plumb? Don’t bother answering. I’ll never understand. Isn’t that a pride too? You have the dark scalding hell no one else can possibly imagine.
All I know is a truly want you to be content with life. With your life? Why? What a miracle life is. What a miracle you are.
You will die one day and it will last forever. At least make the trip to your death one hell of a ride.
pariah said,
i always want to leave this mortal coil. my only prob is how to do it: do i wait for the end to come naturally, or do i go ahead and end it myself.
ah, what a dillemma.
Delysid said,
Yeesh, that’s some heavy shit comin’ down on your fun-tablet. Catharsis, perhaps? It’s true & not true, what they’re all saying. You’re beautiful, young, smart, talented, creative and so have lots going for you and so should be happy. On the other hand, neurochemistry is a powerful thing. Bipolar sounds more likely to me than plain old depression, given your energetic and prolific creative output. Meds and counselling will help. Everything will help — living, learning, loving. Given your looks & charisma I’m sure you get more than enough people interested in the latter. Look at all the people posting here! I found my way here from seeing a little grainy pic of you on the camwhores wannabe site. Even there something special shone through and brought me here. You will thrive, grow and amaze us all. The demon is full of shit, no matter what you might feel at the time when it visits, and in you the light will prevail. You’ve got the demon running scared, desperate, and dying. Starve it of mental attention, deprive it of the psychic energy on which it feeds, stay on the path of energy and light. And you are smart to have started seeking help — pursue that, don’t get discouraged. Meds, counselling, exercise, yoga, friends, lovers, sex, good food, mother nature, the sacred herb if it works for you. The universe is a giant game of snakes and ladders — no matter how deep and dark the pit, there are always ladders to climb back up if you look. Some call them guardian angels — they seem to intervene at just the right moment, but really those strands of redemption and hope are always there to be grasped.
As for the snakes, even they have a place and a function. Make peace with them and they’re less likely to bite.
P.S. Your story of Serena is quite good. You’re only 18? A child prodigy, I think.
Delysid said,
Oh yeah, one more thing about the snakes. If you charm them, some of them can also give gifts.
Jon said,
I totally agree with what Delysid said.
Right now, I’m sorrta depressed yet not as I type on my laptop on my balcony at my apartment.
I’m enjoying a beer and a cigar after learning I can’t tag along wiht my older friends at a late night club that is 21 and older.
Let it be known that whatever goes on in your life intrigues me and facinates me. Even though you could probably do without the drama, keep doing what you’re doing in posting what’s going on. I find it theraputic for me to read and it is probably theraputic for you to share it with the world.
As delysid said, you’re beautiful, talentted and intelligent. You have such an advatnage over many. Don’t throw it away. You can do something wtih your talents and gifts. I appreciate what you do and I hoipe that gives you some solice that there are people out there who care for you simply because we read what’s going on in your life.
I wish there were more people with your talent, ability and just who you are around here (in hawaii… lots of girls don’t seem to do this kidna stuff here).
Best of luck in dealing with the "stuff" in your life.
thinker said,
Fat, ugly, untalented, not-so-smart people in the world. People who have never gone on a single date. People who are lonely and troubled because they have no friends. People in war zones, hungry, with freshly dead relatives. People who have never heard the words "I love you". People who are trapped with someone who says "i love you" by throwing them into a wall. People who are paralized from the neck down. Vegitables. People who are beaten, homeless, breathless, life-less….
I don’t mean to say your problems are nothing. I’m trying to say that to those people, you look like a bored princess in a high tower that has too many riches and mopes about it all day. What if we all didn’t care? Be thankful for the attention you get. Be thankful for your looks. Be thankful that you live in America where girls can become something in life. You only have one life. Be thankful you’re living. It’s your only chance. Get happy. 
DaiSHi said,
just remember that you got your friends here for you
qfe0 said,
Kim,
I used to describe my depressive feelings as a great dark pit of despair. I had a sort of a oppresive, cavernous, empty feeling inside. But, the good news is that you can get through this, and that you’ve started getting help! I stumbled through depression on my own (I wouldn’t recommend that route). My friend got through her problems with bi-polar disorder the help of a doctor… Try not to despair! It does get better.
kim said,
thinker
sometimes i wish i were stupid so that i could live through life oblivious and free of the things that i’ve experienced in the past. and though I have no experience of being fat, i do know plenty well what it means to be ugly. with my teeth 1/8th of an inch longer, gigantic glasses, my face an unpleasant explosion of pus, no clothes that fit me. if you want, you can contact me and i’ll show you a picture of me from that time. i’d rather not show it here. i know what it is to be called ugly. i know what it is to be called stupid; my parents thought i was mentally retarded for the majority of my life… I would hear them talk about it while I was sleeping, or pretending to sleep anyway.
you don’t know anything about what’s going on in my life. what’s actually causing me to be this way, why I am the way i am. how can you assume that my problems are not some of the ones that you listed right there? just because i have nice cam pics? just because I have the ability to smile doesn’t mean i was never beaten. just because i have a boyfriend doesn’t mean that I’m not dealing with the scars of rape. just because i have friends now doesn’t mean that i’ve never been friendless.
—
do you know what’s hard to deal with? it’s hard to know that your first memory was of your dad trying to stab at your mother with a knife and only succeeding in stabbing himself instead. it’s hard to know that one of your first memories is blood on your white dress. the yellow light of a hospital… and your family telling you never to speak of it to anyone.
—
just because i’ve never written about it doesn’t mean it never happened. Just because people don’t know about it doesn’t mean I’m not trying to heal from it.
I find it funny how you, the person who considers yourself a ‘thinker’, didn’t think of that possibility before you posted.
sarah said,
i don’t know you, i’ve never been here before. but the things you write make me want to reach out and hug you.
thinker said,
Kim, I had a feeling you’d say things like that, which is why I previously stated that I didn’t mean for your problems to mean nothing. However, I have known people who have been through many of the problems you said, along with other cases although I won’t get into that. (I’m not gonna battle over who’s lives were worse).
A appologize for the ugly/stupid comment, but what I originally meant was to consider those who will forever be discriminated against due to the way they look and their mental limitations. "just because i’ve never written about it doesn’t mean it never happened. Just because people don’t know about it doesn’t mean I’m not trying to heal from it." No need to jump to conclusions. I didn’t think your depression spawned from nothing.
anonymity said,
i just want to cry…
kable said,
you’re doing the right thing by getting help..
but lighten up a bit..
kable said,
with visibility there’s always negativity.
for every 3 people that like what you have to say there’s always going to be the other 6 who don’t. it’s unavoidable.
a way to deal with it is just knowing that you’re doing the best you can. it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks
…but sometimes it does…i guess that’s unavoidable too.
i wish you the best of luck
Marc Lawson said,
I used to be depressed. I found my way out by being realistic. I discover that I can’t find people who are like myself and so be it. I will enjoy my life alone living in horrorshow simplicity. I am well because I am honest all the time and this helps fight off ridiculous fears and bad thoughts. Don’t expect much from others and be very clear and realistic about what you demand of yourself.
Ode said,
I found a solution to your problems. Just have some unprotected sex!
Semen has some hormones that act as a anti-depressant to the woman’s body.
"Women having unprotected sex were less likely to try to commit suicide, with only 4.5 percent trying to kill themselves, compared to 13.2 percent of women whose partners used condoms."
Delysid said,
Ha has! Thank you Ode, that news has made my day.
Kim, I’m sorry to hear about the nastiness of your past. But still, it’s true — whatever happened then or however you used to look or whatever your parents thought or still think about you, the fact is that now you *are* beautiful, smart and talented. The past is past, is only thoughts, no real substance anymore. The future is unwritten, even less real than the past. There is only the present. I think people, including therapists, often spend too much time in the past thinking they can unravel and fix things that happened then. I don’t think that works. The answer is only in the present. Some memories are best ignored — let them come and go but stay detatched and don’t try to get in and "solve" them. Can’t be done.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a learned psycho-physical reaction, and can be treated successfully, if that’s something you experience from those memories.
kim said,
but isn’t post traumatic stress disorder cured by teaching peeps to deal with their past? so you still need to work w/ it, right?
Delysid said,
It’s not so much teaching people to deal with their past as teaching them to deal with their reaction to triggers that invoke a panic response that was imprinted by a past trauma. The panic imprint does serve an evolutionary purpose — to instantly recognize a dangerous situation and fight or flee to safety. It becomes a disorder when it becomes hair-triggered in the absence of any actual threat. Kind of like an allergic reaction — it’s an overreaction that starts doing more harm than good. You can’t go into the past and undo the trauma, but you can decondition yourself to the triggers that are invoking the panic response in the present. You can also learn what they are and simply avoid them, but if that’s overdone it can become phobia, which is also not too healthy. You have to strike a balance.
Luckily the SSRI anti-depressants seem to help a lot of people, so again it’s something neurological going on, the usual combination of genetic predisposition and life events (i.e. nature & nurture) that seems to characterize most mental problems to some extent. Most health problems in general actually.
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