Archive for Rigamarole
September 28, 2005 at 9:50 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I’ve been blogging since…
Before “blog” had the meaning it does today.
I don’t think “blog” was a very well known word at all until
Blogger.com busted out onto the scene and wow-ed everyone with the
amazing fact that everyone could make a personal journal without
knowing a stitch of HTML.
Hell, “blog” didn’t even mean online-journal at first. [Oh, the
arguments we would have about that… Don’t get me going, I’ll never
stop.]
So don’t mind me when I find it amusing that I have a 2 letter username
for Blogger [heh, a 3 letter name for Xanga 
], or that when I first started blogging, I didn’t even know
automatic blogs existed. Each entry was coded by hand individually baby. [According to their site, blogger.com was started in
August ’99. I have archives dating back to November ’99.]
Wow, I wonder what I called it back then, if not a blog? I barely
even remember. I think I called it my online journal.
Why all this reminiscing?
There’s something sad about electronic copies not aging physically…
Anyhow, all these random thoughts came about because I was originally
going to write a “one year ago today I wrote…” type of entry and I
stumbled across some of my oldest archives.
You may not know it, but having electronic chronicles of yourself from
your teenage years is kind of creepy. It’s not the fact
that there IS a chronicle. It’s the fact that none of it has
changed. At all. Even my writing style is kind of the same.
Reading an electronic copy of what you wrote when you were 16 at the
age of 22 is so different than reading a paper journal entry.
Paper journals age. Handwriting changes. Pages
yellow. Corners get bent.
The following entry could have been written yesterday. But it wasn’t.
11.27.99
Life is so good, you don’t really realize how good your life is
until you’ve seen poverty close up. For Thanksgiving I woke up at 6am
and went to a senior citizens center. We fed the old people until
around 1. After that we left and delivered individual dinners to
families that couldnt make it to the center. We had a bunch of food
left over after that so we brought it to a homeless shelter. I got to
talk to a couple homeless kids. It was really sad and touched my heart.
I will never forget the conversation I had with the girl… It was
nothing much, but it struck a chord in me.
“Are you a volunteer?” she asked me.
I nodded and smiled, “Yep! Are you?”
She shook her head at me and grinned, “I live here.”
I was saddened for some reason. It made me feel really bad. Her family
must have been in poverty for pretty long for her to believe that she
was living there. It made me wonder what her parents were doing to help
themselves, and made me curse society even more.
I’ve been working on the layouts for my webpages so much that
I’ve neglected my journal. Deepest apologies to anyone out there who
actually cares.
Everybody is under the impression that I’ve fallen in ‘love’. It irks
me because I do not like him. I do not even know him. I simply comment
about his looks. I think he is smart, etc. For some reason people think
for those reasons alone I want to be his girlfriend or something. I
just got out of a hard relationship, I don’t know why I would want to
get back into one.
It’s also strange, that in the last couple days more than
three guys have told me they like me. There are more in the last
weeks… but these couple days it’s been especially weird. I do not
know if someone is trying to play some kind of sick joke on me or what.
None of the guys seem to be related, except for the fact that they know
me. It upsets me a little because I am so not ready for a relationship
of any kind. The thing is, I feel as if most of the people who claim
they like me don’t even know me. How can they believe that they like me
if they don’t even know who I am? My face isn’t that pretty, neither is
my body. They don’t know my true personality, they don’t even see me. I
don’t understand this.
Damn humans.
Ironically enough, I hated humans back then, too.
What are things from your past that come back to haunt you?
September 28, 2005 at 8:38 am · Filed under Rigamarole
subject: Sadness?
time: 05:13 PM PST
dear friend,
Some people have mentioned that I have a cloud of sadness that follows
me around — a cloud that momentarily takes over my face as certain
subjects are brought up. It’s weird — I always thought that I was good
at hiding my emotions.
I’ve
always been one of those people that’s happy-go-lucky. I try to let
nothing phaze me and keep myself happy. Inside, though… It can be a
different story. Sometimes the case is — the bigger I smile, the
louder I talk the more nervous and shitty I’m feeling. About the things
around me and about myself.
It’s
hard being an insecure teenager prone to self-introspection that’s
deeper than it really is. I think if I took my life at a purely surface
value I would have a lot more happiness. I’d never try to analyze my
own feelings and therefore never have to worry about preventing other
people from feeling the way I do.
I’d love to break away
To a place where
People can say
Hi there
Without inhibition
I’d like to hold your hand
And grasp your soul
To make you understand
That friendship has no toll
Outside of fiction
I want to be free
Far from all of this
Far away from me
Gesso the canvas
Put the keys in the ignition
I’d like to drive away
Start anew
Where everything is okay
Lots to do
… and … im out of inspiration.
always,
Kim
September 27, 2005 at 6:04 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
More mediocrity.
It’s your choice. Or is it?
Yesterday I wrote on the subject of mediocrity and I touched on the fact that I didn’t/haven’t joined Mensa because I don’t want to be in a place where I have to admit that I am inferior to others.
Thinking
about that lead me to this: Let’s presume for a second that there IS
something about ourselves that is actually superior to most…
Would you rather have excellence among the mediocre or mediocrity among the excellent?
I
guess that’s why in groups of ugly girls there’s always one really hot
girl — or vice versa. It’s a sense of comparison. Everybody likes to
feel like they’re above someone else. But seriously, even the pretty
girl amongst the ugly girls may not be as pretty as the ugly girl
amongst the hot girls…. So really, it’s a choice one has to make.
I discussed this with some people before posting this, and I
realized that the choice we make might not be completely conscious,
especially when it comes to friends. After all, if you have to think
about whether you are superior or inferior to your peers, then they’re
probably not really your friends in the first place.
So the second question I’d like to ask is:
What do you think causes us to choose the way we do?
Oh,
and in case you’re wondering… There are some days when I’d choose to
be excellent among the mediocre… For the most part, though, I don’t
think I can really grow as a person unless I’m challenged, somewhat,
right?
Maybe I should re-think that Mensa thing after all.
September 26, 2005 at 6:13 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
“I’m mediocre.”
Or average. Or normal.
No
matter how you say it, it’s hard to admit. Most of the people in this
world fall into a certain range. Average looks, average smarts,
average height, average build. In fact, unless you’re
within the top 12.5% or bottom 12.5% of the curve in something, I’d
consider you in the “average” range.
… But you rarely see
anyone admitting that nowadays. For example, when you go into an
interview, you’re not the average joe — you’re better, you’re
superior, you’re even spectacular. –In reality, you’re maybe
decent. Better than most but not in the top percent.
I know I don’t like to be mediocre..
It’s the same for me.
I
like to think that I’m smart — I even considered joining Mensa for a
while. Until I realized that if I joined that society I’d only be
of average intelligence among those peers. That’s when I thought
— who wants to put up with a bunch of stuck-up intellectuals anyway?
But
I didn’t join mostly because once I joined, I’d only be mediocre.
I wouldn’t be at the top. I don’t like to admit that there
are tons of people out there that are more intelligent than
me. Of course I know they exist, I just don’t want to know
about it.
I like to think that I’m above-average in looks — I even had a short [VERY EMBARRASSING :)] stint with modeling [TWO,
in fact]. Deep down I know, though, that I’m not in the top
ranks… I’m pretty confident I’m not in the bottom ranks… But, as I
won’t wow you with my looks, I’m definitely mediocre.
So what do
I do? I delve myself into a land that is filled with other souls more
mediocre than mine and try to stand out in any way I can.
In the end, I need to feel superior.
How it works in society
That’s probably why blogs are so popular. I mean, with whatever
category in which you think you’re above average at you can show it
off. Hot bod? Pictures. Sexy? Pictures. Intelligent?
Write your heart out about it. Posture about how intelligent you
are. Use big words. woooo.
And people who have less than you in whatever you decide to show off
about will follow you around because they acknowlege that you are
better than them.
Regardless, in the end it doesn’t matter… Even if you are better than some or even most, you’re still likely to fall into the mediocre range.
It hurts to say it!… but it’s true.
I’m mediocre…. And more likely than not, so are you!
Where is it hardest for you to admit your mediocrity? Looks? Intelligence? Physique?
September 26, 2005 at 3:09 am · Filed under Rigamarole
“I’m mediocre.”
Or average. Or normal.
No
matter how you say it, it’s hard to admit. Most of the people in this
world fall into a certain range. Average looks, average smarts,
average height, average build. In fact, unless you’re
within the top 12.5% or bottom 12.5% of the curve in something, I’d
consider you in the “average” range.
… But you rarely see
anyone admitting that nowadays. For example, when you go into an
interview, you’re not the average joe — you’re better, you’re
superior, you’re even spectacular. –In reality, you’re maybe
decent. Better than most but not in the top percent.
I know I don’t like to be mediocre..
It’s the same for me.
I
like to think that I’m smart — I even considered joining Mensa for a
while. Until I realized that if I joined that society I’d only be
of average intelligence among those peers. That’s when I thought
— who wants to put up with a bunch of stuck-up intellectuals anyway?
But
I didn’t join mostly because once I joined, I’d only be mediocre.
I wouldn’t be at the top. I don’t like to admit that there
are tons of people out there that are more intelligent than
me. Of course I know they exist, I just don’t want to know
about it.
I like to think that I’m above-average in looks — I even had a short [VERY EMBARRASSING :)] stint with modeling [TWO,
in fact]. Deep down I know, though, that I’m not in the top
ranks… I’m pretty confident I’m not in the bottom ranks… But, as I
won’t wow you with my looks, I’m definitely mediocre.
So what do
I do? I delve myself into a land that is filled with other souls more
mediocre than mine and try to stand out in any way I can.
In the end, I need to feel superior.
How it works in society
That’s probably why blogs are so popular. I mean, with whatever
category in which you think you’re above average at you can show it
off. Hot bod? Pictures. Sexy? Pictures. Intelligent?
Write your heart out about it. Posture about how intelligent you
are. Use big words. woooo.
And people who have less than you in that category will follow you around because they acknowlege that you are better than them.
Regardless, in the end it doesn’t matter… Even if you are better than some or even most, you’re still likely to fall into the mediocre range.
It hurts to say it!… but it’s true.
I’m mediocre…. And more likely than not, so are you!
Where is it hardest for you to admit your mediocrity? Looks? Intelligence? Physique?
September 26, 2005 at 3:06 am · Filed under Rigamarole
More mediocrity.
It’s your choice. Or is it?
Yesterday I wrote on the subject of mediocrity and I touched on the fact that I didn’t/haven’t joined Mensa because I don’t want to be in a place where I have to admit that I am inferior to others.
Thinking about that lead me to this: Let’s presume for a second that there IS something about ourselves that is actually superior to most…
Would you rather have excellence among the mediocre or mediocrity among the excellent?
I guess that’s why in groups of ugly girls there’s always one really hot girl — or vice versa. It’s a sense of comparison. Everybody likes to feel like they’re above someone else. But seriously, even the pretty girl amongst the ugly girls may not be as pretty as the ugly girl amongst the hot girls…. So really, it’s a choice one has to make.
I discussed this with some people before posting this, and I realized that the choice we make might not be completely conscious, especially when it comes to friends. After all, if you have to think about whether you are superior or inferior to your peers, then they’re probably not really your friends in the first place.
So the second question I’d like to ask is:
What do you think causes us to choose the way we do?
Oh, and in case you’re wondering… There are some days when I’d choose to be excellent among the mediocre… For the most part, though, I don’t think I can really grow as a person unless I’m challenged, somewhat, right?
Maybe I should re-think that Mensa thing after all.
September 25, 2005 at 6:09 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Why can’t bitches hold their liquor?
…Or why do bitches pretend they can’t?
Ok — so I don’t know if this happens with you guys, but aside from the
select few girls I know and voluntarily hang out with [alumni k,
bitches!] there are certain things that always happen when I go to a
party with other girls. Actually, no. There is one thing
that happens.
Drama.
That’s right. Why do bitches cause drama when they’re
intoxicated? It’s like part of “the plan” or some shit like
that. OK, I have to admit, I did my share of that shit when
I was like 18 and first started drinking — but bitches who are years
veteran drinkers should be smart enough to at least hold their yap shut
while they’re wasted.
But they don’t.
Among the Drama-causing types… Here are my top 3 worst drunk drama-causing bitches:
The secret telling bitch
It almost never fails. There’s the bitch who goes around and
whispers “secrets” to you. The bitch who shouts them out loud…
And the most insidious of them all, the bitch who acts super nice to
you — you know she’s whispering or yelling shit behind your back..
The CRYING bitch
That’s right ladies and gentlemen. There’s always someone who
can’t control their liquor and starts crying all over the fucking place
[and subsequently in a corner]. What the fuck is that
shit? Okay, so I admit, I’ve gotten a little weepy while drunk once or twice — but once was the day after I saw Lan’s head cracked open on the asphalt and the other time was the week after I had broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years.
Did you know, there are some girls that cry EVERY time they drink?
WHY DRINK, BITCH, WHY? You already know that you’re going to kill
everyone’s high if you start blubbering, so WHY DRINK?… Do some
drugs, be DD or something. Just stop that hideous crying.
It’s not even fun for you! And it’s not fun for people who have to
clean up your fucking mess.
The bitch that makes out with any guy
While true that this type bitch doesn’t cause drama EVERY time, there’s
always about a 50% chance that this making-out bitch is either TAKEN or
is trying to scam with a guy who already has a chick. So the
amount of drama is, indeed, about twice as much when that actually
occurs. That is why it only happens 50% of the time. The
world wouldn’t be balanced if that weren’t the case.
Bitch, if you need to get drunk to find a man to make out with, you should seriously reconsider what’s wrong with your life.
So there you go, these are the types of bitches you really gotta
keep a lookout for, they might go around stealing your good buzz and
leave you the next morning with nothing but a massive hangover.
Though I must admit, there are times when I’ve inadvertently been the first two [not
the third one, thank goodness]… The people I’m talking about are the
people who do it ALL the time, every time they get drunk.
What drama causing bitch type do you hate the most? Stories?
Go HERE for an interesting and insightful post inspired by my previous entry “Are we as free as we think we are?”.
September 25, 2005 at 5:00 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Why can’t bitches hold their liquor?
…Or why do bitches pretend they can’t?
Ok — so I don’t know if this happens with you guys, but aside from the
select few girls I know and voluntarily hang out with [alumni k,
bitches!] there are certain things that always happen when I go to a
party with other girls. Actually, no. There is one thing
that happens.
Drama.
That’s right. Why do bitches cause drama when they’re
intoxicated? It’s like part of “the plan” or some shit like
that. OK, I have to admit, I did my share of that shit when
I was like 18 and first started drinking — but bitches who are years
veteran drinkers should be smart enough to at least hold their yap shut
while they’re wasted.
But they don’t.
Among the Drama-causing types… Here are my top 3 worst drunk drama-causing bitches:
The secret telling bitch
It almost never fails. There’s the bitch who goes around and
whispers “secrets” to you. The bitch who shouts them out loud…
And the most insidious of them all, the bitch who acts super nice to
you — you know she’s whispering or yelling shit behind your back..
The CRYING bitch
That’s right ladies and gentlemen. There’s always someone who
can’t control their liquor and starts crying all over the fucking place
[and subsequently in a corner]. What the fuck is that
shit? Okay, so I admit, I’ve gotten a little weepy while drunk once or twice — but once was the day after I saw Lan’s head cracked open on the asphault and the other time was the week after I had broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years.
Did you know, there are some girls that cry EVERY time they drink?
WHY DRINK, BITCH, WHY? You already know that you’re going to kill
everyone’s high if you start blubbering, so WHY DRINK?… Do some
drugs, be DD or something. Just stop that hideous crying.
It’s not even fun for you! And it’s not fun for people who have to
clean up your fucking mess.
The bitch that makes out with any guy
While true that this type bitch doesn’t cause drama EVERY time, there’s
always about a 50% chance that this making-out bitch is either TAKEN or
is trying to scam with a guy who already has a chick. So the
amount of drama is, indeed, about twice as much when that actually
occurs. That is why it only happens 50% of the time. The
world wouldn’t be balanced if that weren’t the case.
Bitch, if you need to get drunk to find a man to make out with, you should seriously reconsider what’s wrong with your life.
So there you go, these are the types of bitches you really gotta
keep a lookout for, they might go around stealing your good buzz and
leave you the next morning with nothing but a massive hangover.
What drama causing bitch type do you hate the most? Stories?
Go HERE for an interesting and insightful post inspired by my previous entry “Are we as free as we think we are?”.
September 24, 2005 at 6:40 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Is this really Feminism?
Are we really as free as we think we are?
NOTE: I want to make it clear right now that I love
being American, and I love my freedom. I just want to take a look
at us as a culture with a more critical eye.
As people of American culture, we tend to look upon women from
Muslim and other cultures with a critical eye because we feel that they
do not have “freedom” to choose what they want. However, I want
take a closer look into our culture and our society.
Do we really have as much freedom as we think we do?
Sure, there are no laws prohibiting us from wearing what we want,
doing what we want. However, isn’t this country by nature still
somewhat of a patriarchy? So while we dance around
self-righteously about our freedom, I think there are some things that
we need to look at.
For example, let’s go back to the idea that we can wear whatever we
want. If you’re a woman: how many times have you worn a pair of
shoes that cuts into your foot so badly that it begins to bleed?
If you’re a man: how many times have you seen this happen?
Aside from sadists, is this really what we want for ourselves? Or
is it the image of what we are attaining using the clothes we wear that
is reigning supreme in our mind?
A normal woman who wears no make-up, wears comfortable clothes like
sweats, and doesn’t get her hair styled and dyed is probably considered
a slob.
The same woman who wears make-up, impossible to wear clothing,
and has impeccable hair at first glance will be called beautiful. — or
at the very least, “hot”.
This is what we have come to. A society in which the fake
outdoes the natural. A society in which you’re judged by your
outside.
So tell me now, are we really free?
Women who always have to be covered may not be free to wear what
they want — but they’re not being judged by strangers on their
physical features.
I think that we’re all bound by the labels of this society.
I used to be the kind of person that could go to the mall in a
pair of sweats, with no make-up and a raggedy pony tail. Perhaps
it’s the Orange County air, but I can’t anymore.
My sense of being trapped probably started when I saw little girls,
no older than 10 done up more expensively and stylishly that I ever
was, have been since, or ever will be. There’s just something
wrong, when a 10 year old looks more attractive [in an adult way!] than
you do. It’s something that as much as you rant about how wrong it is,
makes you feel self conscious. And this self consciousness makes
you dye your hair, put on make up and wear clothes you wouldn’t
naturally choose to wear.
Are we really as free as we think we are?
The winners for yesterday’s contest are:
September 24, 2005 at 5:13 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Is this really Feminism?
Are we really as free as we think we are?
NOTE: I want to make it clear right now that I love
being American, and I love my freedom. I just want to take a look
at us as a culture with a more critical eye.
As people of American culture, we tend to look upon women from
Muslim and other cultures with a critical eye because we feel that they
do not have “freedom” to choose what they want. However, I want
take a closer look into our culture and our society.
Do we really have as much freedom as we think we do?
Sure, there are no laws prohibiting us from wearing what we want,
doing what we want. However, isn’t this country by nature still
somewhat of a patriarchy? So while we dance around
self-righteously about our freedom, I think there are some things that
we need to look at.
For example, let’s go back to the idea that we can wear whatever we
want. If you’re a woman: how many times have you worn a pair of
shoes that cuts into your foot so badly that it begins to bleed?
If you’re a man: how many times have you seen this happen?
Aside from sadistics, is this really what we want for ourselves? Or
is it the image of what we are attaining using the clothes we wear that
is reigning supreme in our mind?
A normal woman who wears no make-up, wears comfortable clothes like
sweats, and doesn’t get her hair styled and dyed is probably considered
a slob.
The same woman who wears make-up, impossible to wear clothing,
and has impeccable hair at first glance will be called beautiful. — or
at the very least, “hot”.
This is what we have come to. A society in which the fake
outdoes the natural. A society in which you’re judged by your
outside.
So tell me now, are we really free?
Women who always have to be covered may not be free to wear what
they want — but they’re not being judged by strangers on their
physical features.
I think that we’re all bound by the labels of this society.
I used to be the kind of person that could go to the mall in a
pair of sweats, with no make-up and a raggedy pony tail. Perhaps
it’s the Orange County air, but I can’t anymore.
My sense of being trapped probably started when I saw little girls,
no older than 10 done up more expensively and stylishly that I ever
was, have been since, or ever will be. There’s just something
wrong, when a 10 year old looks more attractive [in an adult way!] than
you do. It’s something that as much as you rant about how wrong it is,
makes you feel self conscious. And this self consciousness makes
you dye your hair, put on make up and wear clothes you wouldn’t
naturally choose to wear.
Are we really as free as we think we are?
The winners for yesterday’s contest are:
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