Archive for Rigamarole
May 21, 2002 at 12:07 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Every time I feel upset or sad or whatever, I ask myself, “Why do I feel this way? What’s making me feel like chugging down a bottle of medicine? What’s making me sad?”
There’s always an answer. Because I have no one to turn to. Because I’m not focusing enough on extracurriculars. Because I’m focusing too much on extracurriculars. Because I have too much resposibility. Because I have too little responsibility. Because because because.
What scares me is that a lot of times recently there has been no method to the madness. There’s no ‘because’ — I’m sad just because. Why? I don’t know. Suddenly I’ll just feel that way and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It sucks, yeah? I think so too.
May 16, 2002 at 12:53 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
fun with the tablet.
sigh. i need to get out of this body. hah
May 13, 2002 at 5:45 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I wrote this in reply to all the people who’ve been replying to my previous post (I feel that there’s some stuff in here that I need to get out in the open).
—
to d.flow, dave, theresa and those of you that know me personally, i’d like to thank you for your thoughts and support of my decisions.
i have quite a few things to say towards the rest of the people who replied:
“why can’t [girls] be more simple and straight forward thinking like guys?” -stephen
stephen: from my personal experience, the only people who are as simplistic as you claim, male or female, are generally unintelligent. there are not many men that I actually enjoy the company of that don’t have some complexity to them. i don’t think you should generalize the male sex just because you and the people that you are in contact with are a certain way.
brook overcame her emotional distress by herself.
brooke: i’m glad you were able to get out of your depression; however, i think that everyone has their own way of dealing with things, and that when that way doesn’t work it’s imperative to seek outside resources. personally, i have too much on the line for me to even let this go on for even one more year. thanks for your comments, though, no offense taken.
“dont’ worry we all have our ups and downs. Just today I almost thought I lost my keys, but then I realized they were in my pants” – ode
ode: i’m sorry to burst your bubble, but my ups and downs and whatnot have a little more substance to them than losing my keys. when i was down a couple weeks ago, i didn’t go through one day where i didn’t consider ramming my car into a passing truck or popping things into my mouth that i knew could kill me. try holding a blade to your wrist with tears running down your eyes — tears that haven’t stopped for hours – saying to yourself ‘this is wrong. this is wrong… but i must punish myself’… and tell me about your ups and downs afterwards.
“Whats considered normal and abnormal?” – ken
ken: I think that you have a good point — who DOES decide what is ‘normal’? –however, when I find myself engaging in dangerous activity or having suicidal thoughts in my head with myself ** this close to acting upon them, I PERSONALLY don’t consider it normal, and this is why I seeked help.
“Plus psychiatrist are just there two ask you three questions..” -david
david (enigma): I think that you’re the one full of bullshit. you should look a little closer into psychiatry before you make assumptions of what they do and what they don’t do. true, there are many questions about your feelings and why YOU think you feel that way, but a lot of it also has to do with your genetic history, your previous reactions to medications, and many other things as well. psychiatry is a lot different than psychology — and I think you have the two mixed up. “that is so.. me … except for the depressed part” — then it isn’t you, is it? as dv.flow said, psychiatry is a respected medical field, and there is a lot of scientific proof that goes along with it.
“fighting the blues is really not so hard, it begins with accepting that life is both high and low. ” – potch
If I have to hear once again that I just have to deal and accept life’s highs and lows, I’m going to scream. Accepting your lows doesn’t mean hating yourself because of things that happened to you that you couldn’t do anything about. Accpeting your highs and lows doesn’t mean almost getting into accidents because burning tears are streaming from your eyes and blinding you when you drive because that’s the only time that you’re alone. Accepting your lows doesn’t involve pulling out all the medicine in your cabinet and calculating how much of each you think you need to take so that you can disappear forever.
The reason that I went to seek help was because I COULDN’T handle my highs and my lows. The reason that I went to a professional was because no one I know could help me. Even my closest friends that I trust with my entire soul couldn’t help me — and I know how hard they tried.
It’s impossible to write all of the anguish that I’ve been going through most of my life. It’s impossible for me to expect everybody to understand and agree with my decisions. However, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for people who come to this site to respect my decisions and not write them off as some petty thing. I didn’t decide to get help overnight; and you people need to understand that.
Just because I haven’t written about something, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been happening.
May 8, 2002 at 8:15 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I went to the psychiatrist today for the first time in my life. I feel like a nutcase. Actually, according to her, I am. I think I’m going to have to get a second opinion.
She says I’m I have bipolar 2 and wants me to start medication asap.
May 6, 2002 at 9:32 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
All my friends that are out of the loop are completely aghast at how well I write so much and yet tell absolutely nothing about my life. It was different when i was hanging out with them, I guess, because they could figure out what I was talking about (that, and i was less vague before). These days, it’s the same. People who are constantly around me know exactly what I’m writing about where the people who don’t have no idea.
I kind of want to write more, explain clearly the things that happen. Gossip, say exactly why a certain event has made me feel that way.
However, I’m a lazy person. I will only write so much no matter what I write about. Expending my energy on actually explaining myself would cut down on the time that I spend reflecting on the way things have affected me.
Though it would probably be easier for people to give me advice if they knew what was going on. kim’s new goal: give better background on current situation.
May 6, 2002 at 1:41 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
All it took was a few hours of happiness. A few hours where I wasn’t plagued with the nagging thoughts that I’m a terrible person, a few hours to forget that I don’t like myself and all the things around me. It seems, that’s all I needed to bring myself to the other side of neutrality. The one where it’s a void, but a contentment.
I can’t say that all the angry feelings towards myself are gone, and I can’t say that I fully love myself the way that I used to only a few months back, but it seems bearable now. I feel like I can get through this. I no longer feel like my brain is imploding, that I’m being sucked into myself, into a place where no one can reach or help, no matter how loudly I cry out for help.
I feel like I can be stronger. It’ll be a long road, but now it doesn’t seem so impossible. Optimism is on the horizon!! 
May 3, 2002 at 11:03 am · Filed under Rigamarole
“why do people lie? this is why we hate liars.”
How do you explain to someone who holds such hatred against the act of lying that you can’t see what’s so bad about not telling the truth? How do you explain that that’s how you’ve existed all your life, that’s how you’ve gotten through things, how you’ve survived thus far?
How do you explain that it’s something that can’t really be changed unless you change yourself entirely…
—
I grew up in a home that refused to believe that it was broken in public. As I was growing up I watched my mom lie about me, my brothers, and my father. I watched my father lie to my mother about his extramarrital affairs. I watched as lies took us places, gave us connections, made my mother famous, made the people of the community suck up to me in desparate attempts to get to know my mother.
In my house nothing came very easily. If I wanted to do something, be able to go somewhere, be able to get away from the house… I had to lie. I had to lie about what kinds of friends I had — even if they weren’t bad friends. I had to lie about where we were going — even if it wasn’t anywhere bad. I had to lie about my boyfriends being my guy friends. Why? Because I knew how much crap that I would go through if I didn’t.
For example, the months where I had a ‘boyfriend’ that my mother knew about were probably the worst in terms of my relationship with my mother in my life. There weren’t two or three days that went by that i didn’t get into a fight with my mom. There weren’t days that went by that I didn’t become so aggravated that going off to college seemed like a blessing. There wasn’t one day that went by that I didn’t wish I could just die to make the verbal abuse end.
I should have lied.
I even once lied my way out of a mental hospital.
—
Someone once said in my blog that we can always retract a lie, but never can we retract the truth. It’s always there — once you tell the truth, what more is there to say? I agree with this person…
…But I still know that lying is wrong. I know that there have been times when I should have told the truth when I didn’t. At the same time, though, there are still times that I remember that lying was so crucial to my survival, or that I should have lied, that I can’t really say that I believe that I will stop lying completely.
I can try my hardest… I can go into therapy… I can change who I am… But how can I change what I’ve seen in the past?
April 30, 2002 at 4:41 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
being deleriously happy. being able to laugh about things until i cried. being able to be happy for weeks by buying myself a $2.oo treat. it sounds so childish — but it feels like i’ve only lost the ability to do these things recently. in the past year, actually. is this growing up? if so, i don’t want it.
looking out the window, i feel a light breeze chilling my skin as i watch the spotted cheery sunlight drop sparkles here and there. just enough to make me squint but not enough to hurt my eyes. where did the happiness go? i ask myself. ordinarily this scenario would have put me into a state of calm contentment — now, i feel nothing. still calm, which is more than i can say about my other states of being… but not content — not in the least. just emptiness.
i feel so completely void. is this “neutrality”? is this the feeling that is just the opposite of contentment? not ecstasy not angst… but just that much past neutral as slightly content?
i don’t know why i question things so much. what is the meaning of anything? what is the point of going on when all we’re going to encounter is more grief if only for those brief moments of happiness? I used to be able to look forward to those happinesses, i used to be able to keep myself content. what happened?
my psychologist is referring me to a psychiatrist. she thinks i need to start medication.
will this bring me back to a state of contentment? i just want to stop feeling so hopelessly sad.
April 28, 2002 at 2:00 am · Filed under Rigamarole
so i’ve had a really crazy strain of randomly bad luck lately.
about a month back, i planned a trip to san diego with my roommate to go visit some friends down there that i’ve been promising to visit for over two years. of course, all of those friends just happen to be out of town on that exact same weekend! how great. so i ended up spending time with my roommate and her friend — and her friend’s roommates. not that that was very bad, but it still was a little awkward for me. anyhow, that same night i went to my first frat party. as i was stepping into the dancing room some [possibly drunken] girl gets up on a wobbly table, promptly falls off, grasps at the air and randomly grabs my glasses as the first thing she can grab and flings them into the raging mass of drunken people.
i was the driver. i didn’t have any other glasses or contacts.
yeah.
so that was bad. that was just the first in the long string of bad that began to happen. and then i got sick. really really sick. as in a fever every night for almost two weeks and a cough so bad that i couldn’t eat because my coughing would push the food out again– and just to top everyth
April 26, 2002 at 11:10 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Lately I’ve been approached through IM and e-mail a lot about my work and my so-called ‘talent’. It got me thinking — do I really have any talent? Or do I just have a lot of spare time?
My opinion tends to lean towards the latter. It’s weird, but most of the time I don’t really consider my stuff ‘art’ — sure I’d like to fool myself and make myself believe that putting a couple pictures together and adding random text is ‘art’, but it’s not. It really isn’t.
It’s just a fancy collage. And I’m just playing around.
The hobby that i chose happens to bring me money. It happens to impress people occasionally. It happens to make people think I have talent — but I don’t really. All my earlier stuff looks exactly like anybody else’s earlier stuff… And my recent stuff is nowhere near the caliber that I would like it to be.
So where’s the talent? It’s just a lot of practice and a lot of boredom for people who don’t know any better to ooh and ahh over.
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