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change

April 8, 2002 at 1:10 pm · Filed under Rigamarole

The other day while I was envy-ing couples who have been together for long periods of time, John said something that struck me.

“Time doesn’t mean anything.”

“Why?”

“Because people change.”

It’s something we all know is true. It’s something we all know is inevitable. How come, though, it’s so hard to accept that that’s the case? It seems so simplistic, this explaination. But why is it one of those things that I can’t keep in mind and adapt to… why is it that I can’t accept it?

It seems like a lot of my problems come from not being able to accept that people aren’t who I think they are. That people aren’t always all roses and daisies or that people aren’t all terrible. Or that people are rarely the same as they are when you first meet them, or when you first get to know them… No matter how hard you try to keep that ideal in your head.

So, in my quest to become a stronger person I learn a new lesson : being strong is learning how to deal with change.

Stephanie said,

April 8, 2002 @ 3:36 pm

True, "Time doesn’t mean anything," because, perhaps, some people drag on a relationship despite seeing unliked changes in the other person – for the sake of still being together – but,

for others that are not together for the sake of being together,

doesn’t it mean something if they’ve stayed together for a long a period of time and have accepted the changes, likeable or not, and are still loving one another? ..so that time DOES matter?

If throughout that long period of time and throughout those many changes people go through, a couple is still together after the ups and downs progressig through that time and are still loving one another, that time should prove something shouldn’t it?

heh ^_^; Ionno..I just think that actions that take place over time help uncover truths..such as the strength and purity in a couple’s love..

IONNO. I’m beginning to babble now..heh heh.

Stephanie said,

April 8, 2002 @ 4:01 pm

^_^; I think i just floew past your point,

being strong is learning how to deal with change.

^_^; your introduction to your point just grabbed me..

eheh
Sowie.

saint said,

April 8, 2002 @ 6:10 pm

"True, ‘Time doesn’t mean anything,’ because, perhaps, some people drag on a relationship despite seeing unliked changes in the other person – for the sake of still being together"
-Stephanie

I think I fall into this category… :\ I just got out of a two-year relationship that I didn’t have the guts to get out of mostly because I was scared of change (my life without her). We both knew it wasn’t going to last–we had changed and just didn’t click the way we used to. We finally decided to end it last week, and we’re a lot better for it.

I think it depends on the couple what "time" tells about them. For some, like me, it doesn’t mean anything. However, like Stephanie says, for those couples that do go the distance–that stay together amidst all the change and turmoil–time does matter, and it tells the story of their love.

Thanks for your blog, it made me think about things…

saint said,

April 8, 2002 @ 8:02 pm

haha, i think i blew past your point too… well, read my comment and add this:

I too, have learned that dealing with change makes you stronger. I feel that I have grown a lot since breaking up with my girlfriend (actually, we’re both still good friends and discussed this and we both feel we have grown). While change may be scary, it takes a strong person and a strong will to step towards it and embrace it.

E said,

April 8, 2002 @ 9:51 pm

John’s wrong…however you were smart enough to understand the value of being able to adapt to change.
A couple who survives over time is a couple who….through out the timeline of thier relationship, can adapt to change and grow together. Thats the secret.
Saying time doesn’t mean anything just means the person who said it just isn’t that insightful or experienced in what he is talking about. It’s means a lot.

Stephanie said,

April 8, 2002 @ 10:27 pm

hahah.

E.’s right.

pinoychris said,

April 9, 2002 @ 1:46 am

i just have to say. change sucks. =) for me, i’ve seen ALL of my friends change in front of me and it’s weird, cuz whenever I talk to them, I still go back to them thinking was the way it was before. However, after about 2 mins of talking to them, I realize that everything wasn’t the way it was 5 years ago or even just the way they were last year. If being strong is learning how to deal with change, I’m pretty weak. =(

dave said,

April 9, 2002 @ 3:54 am

the only constant–the only stable aspect of life, paradoxically– is change.

time has no meaning when it comes to relationships. it’s the people that change. and whether you are strong enough to change with, for better or for worse. or whether you don’t care about the change, or whether you are neutral about the change, or whether you don’t even know about the change…

it might be callous to say but just because a couple has been together for a couple of years does not mean they are a stronger couple than the 1 year couple. with time always comes change, and people will change…

sure you might find out more about a person as you go on, but does that really make a difference? not really. you generally know all you need to know about a person from the first few meets, and while knowing more may be exciting and illuminating or even disturbing like the movie memento, it fundamentally doesn’t change the present.

live for the present.

John said,

April 9, 2002 @ 4:01 am

Well the point I was getting at was that time does matter but not to the extent that a lot of people think. I’ve been around long enough to see couples together for 8 years and then suddenly one of them has a strange, left field epiphany on life should be that would destroy the relationship. Now would it be better to still hold on because of all the time they were together or leave and spare yourself the torture?

monkey said,

April 9, 2002 @ 11:42 am

on a completely unrelated topic, isn’t salma hayek the worst actress on the face of the earth?

Jesus said,

April 9, 2002 @ 12:21 pm

I’d say I have to disagree with E on this. Most relationships require extended amounts of time to work because the people in the relationship needed it to grow attached or even just "used" to each other. Other relationships were just successfull from day one. Of course couples that have been through a lot are stronger, but time doesn’t measure how much a couple has gone through. It feels good to say that you’ve been with someone for umpteenth years, but in my opinion, it feels better to say that I’ve been through a shit load of shit with this special someone, and despite the fact that we’ve only been together a few short months, they have stayed by me and have never second guessed the fact that they wanna stay with me forever. That’s just my humble opinion though. Sorry if it didn’t make any sense.

carlo said,

April 9, 2002 @ 5:48 pm

dayum girl.
all i can say is, your character is not defined in the face of adversity. it will only be exhibited. i guess, in a way, it means the same as what you say. youre only as strong as you believe you are… even through change.

but i agree with your friend.
when it comes to relationships (if i had a gf), i dont keep anniversary dates. whats the point? id rather enjoy the time that we have together and not sit there and clap everytime a month or year goes by, yet, the relatioship gets crappy.

aaaand on the subject that monkey brought up, salma hayek may be a bad actor…. but believe me, she doesnt have to know how to act. Yes, im shallow. but at least i admit it. so there.

Stryfen said,

April 10, 2002 @ 7:04 am

Time is important. Time creates history. History is very important. A couple that has been with each other for years, has history. As there lives changed, and who they are has changed, the one thing remains constant, is each other, and there love. In a relationship, you do need time to grow, time to adjust, time to understand the person, time to love them. Time also means change. Nothing stays the same, everything changes. Everything happens in patterns. Your life is a pattern. Being with some one a week and being with someone a year is quite different. If you are with someone for a year, and both of you changed, but you have changed together, then that means something. It is easier to dump a guy after a week then after a year.

People are never who they seem to be. That is becaue there are many different sides to a person. You might only be exposed to one or two sides. It takes a long time to know and understand your bf/gf. You may only know or completly understand a few friends in your life time. You have to be more objective, open minded. Not just to ideas, but the fact people act different all the time. People change and so do you. Dont accept people for how they presant themselves.

Stryfen said,

April 10, 2002 @ 7:05 am

Time is important. Time creates history. History is very important. A couple that has been with each other for years, has history. As there lives changed, and who they are has changed, the one thing remains constant, is each other, and there love. In a relationship, you do need time to grow, time to adjust, time to understand the person, time to love them. Time also means change. Nothing stays the same, everything changes. Everything happens in patterns. Your life is a pattern. Being with some one a week and being with someone a year is quite different. If you are with someone for a year, and both of you changed, but you have changed together, then that means something. It is easier to dump a guy after a week then after a year.

People are never who they seem to be. That is becaue there are many different sides to a person. You might only be exposed to one or two sides. It takes a long time to know and understand your bf/gf. You may only know or completly understand a few friends in your life time. You have to be more objective, open minded. Not just to ideas, but the fact people act different all the time. People change and so do you. Dont accept people for how they presant themselves.

–script yourself (PHP)

sam said,

April 10, 2002 @ 12:57 pm

hey kim, long time it has been. anyways, here goes my take on things.

as you well know, my last relationship ended on a trip to Europe. for me it was unexpected. for her, it was the right thing to do.

we had been together for three years. we’ve had our shares of ups and downs. me being the optimist always weighed the ups more than the downs. her being the pessimist did the opposite.

although we had time, we were changing. I guess her big change which would ultimately lead to the end of an era happened when she was off on her own in Europe.

for the last year of our relationship, she wanted me to change. she wanted me to put more effort into the relationship: me to visit, call before she did, something. I thought I tried harder, but not hard enough.

when we were experiencing those tough times, I had no job. no money to visit although she was only 1.5 hrs away. I concentrated more on the rational sides of things rather than the emotional.

once I got my job, I thought this would be where the relationship picked up. I could finally change to what she wanted me to be. I thought are relationship would change, that we would go through a renaissance.

but again, time would play a crucial role. she left for Europe for 2 months. once she left, I really didn’t think about the present. I thought she was too busy to talk to me/est. commmunication. she was in FUCKING europe! but I always thought about the future, ignoring the present. I focused on the next time we would see each other . . . in Europe.

but living for the future should have been the last thing on my mind. I should have focused on the present. and that’s the whole point of this ramble. what’s the future w/o the present? the present determines what happens in the future.

change is a bitch. no one really likes change. although it happens all the time, we tend to have more apathy towards stability. by knowing what’s going to happen, we can relax, sit back, enjoy the ride. not knowing what’s going to happen (although it can be exciting) is always scary.

I’m sure I’ve contradicted myself many times in this post. but when it comes down to it, time is precious. time can separate two people. time can make the difference. as the hands on the clock change, so do people. time heals, slowly, but it heals.

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