mirrored from madpimp.com
The (currently) 12 different types of poo.
So, those of you that know me, you know that I don’t shit very much. Though lately my bowel movements have been fairly regular (once every 2-3 days, and sometimes even daily), in the past it was not uncommon for me to go for a week or even two at a time without taking a shit. Every time I need to take a shit, I announce it – and my roommate says “See you later!”
The funny thing is, the home I grew up in was built in the 1940’s or 1950’s, so the plumbing is pretty old. When I used to live at home, every time I took a shit [almost without fail, not including diarrhea] the toilet would get clogged up. I know. The only way I was ever able to avoid this is if I cut the giant log in half with my sphincter and flushed about 4 or 5 times per pooing session.
For this reason (the clogging), the fact that it doesn’t happen often, and simply because I am fascinated by bodily functions, I have become a great connoisseur of the different types of poo. Some of these types can occur at the same time in the same shitting session. The numbers don’t really mean anything except for use as reference.
Kim’s 12* Different Types of Poo
*note this will probably be ammended to include more later as I think of them.
Type 1: Your Average Joe Poo
This is your average run of the mill poo. It comes out, not too thick, not thin, normal colored and only messy enough for you to know that it’s poo. Even Goldilocks couldn’t complain about this shit. Really.
Type 2: The Bleeder
When you see red streaks on your toilet paper as you’re wiping.
Type 3: The Bleeder 2
This is the one that really makes your anus bleed. Not just the little red streaks on your toilet paper while you’re wiping, but the straight up “fuck, I just ripped myself another asshole”. You will know the bleeder when you feel it, and if you look in the toilet bowl, you can see streaks and swirls of red mixing in with the yellow water.
Type 4: The Smoothie
This is the one that’s not quite diarrhea, but as close as you can get without calling it a diarrhea. When Type 4 hits the bowl, it does not stay in a log shape, instead it tends to form into a little pile at the bottom of the bowl. If you’re shitting enough, this is one of the poos that will stick up out of the water.
Type 5: The Frozen Yogurt
This is related to Type 1: Your Average Joe Poo, but it’s just really really long. So long that it curls up on itself and looks like, what else? Frozen yogurt.
Type 6: The Kielbasa
Often, this time happens in conjunction with Type 3: The Bleeder or Type 4: The Bleeder 2. Similar to Type 5: The Frozen Yogurt, this is the type that is too thick to curl into a tight pile, but is still extra long. This kind tends to curl around the side of the toilet bowl, giving it the look similar to a polish sausage. However, it does not have to, because sometimes shit doesn’t go smooth like that. The only requirement for the kielbasa is that the shit has to be 1.75 inches in diameter or bigger.
Type 7: The Mr. Clean
This is the one that is the trickiest. It occurs randomly with different types of poo. It is very rare, but on the occasion that it does happen it freaks me out. This is the poo where once you’re done, you go to wipe and nothing comes off on the toilet paper. When you’re like, WTF mate? Where did the shit streaks go? You then usually proceed to wipe 5 or more times unsuccessfully, wasting most of your toilet paper.
Type 8: The A-Bomb Explosion
The A-Bomb explosion also goes by the name of “Diarrhea”. A lot of times, Type 4: The Smoothie or Type 9: The “Am I peeing out of my ass?” will follow this shit. This is the one that usually hurts the most and the longest before and after the dropping. I have broken a sweat more than once with this type of poo.
Type 9: The “Am I peeing out of my ass?”
This, along with Type 8, are probably the messiest of the different types of shit. This is the one where it feels like water is just pouring out of your ass. No matter how hard you dab your asshole, you’re scared that liquid is gonna leak out.
Type 10: The Cork
This tends to cause the Bleeders as well, and is followed by “Am I peeing out of my ass?” and The Smoothie. This is when you have a really hard piece of shit at the beginning of your poo, and once that is released, a slew of liquid is released.
Type 11: The Rabbit Poo
This is the one that comes out in little pellets. This one for me seems to occur a lot with Type 10: The Cork. (Generally the cork itself is a rabbit poo that causes a Type 4: Bleeder 2).
Type 12: The Streaker
This is the opposite of Type 7: The Mr. Clean – This is the one where no matter how much you wipe it never seems to go away. Every single wipe yields another brown streak. And you keep wiping…and wiping… and wiping. Until a little bit of Type 3: The Bleeder occurs.
———–
Ammendments
Type 13: The Corn Poo (thanks, Brett)
Not limited to just corn, just any poo in which food still looks the same coming out as it did coming in.
Type 14: The Flaming Hot Cheeto
This is like, the worst shit ever. Especially when worked in combination with A-Bomb explosion. This is the shit that burns your ass and makes it almost numb with the stinging painful sensation. If you really ate flaming hot cheetos, the color of this poo is red.
Type 15: The Albino Poo (thanks, Larry)
Larry says once his poo was white and he didn’t know why. I’m opening this type too all the times your poo is a weird color and you don’t know why.
Links of Note:
For images of poo, go to RateMyPoo.com
Thanks for Commenting:
Steve, DC, RaSenGan, Lan, Eric, , Sid, John, Angela, Brett, Darrell, Ivy, Long, Larry, Diana, Pink_hilights, MyLynn, JOy, Allen, Jerome, Vinh, LumpiaBlog, Diana, bettertomorrow, xhopefully5x, Phil, and Linda.
