I seem to have so much more fun when I’m completely sober… So what is this craving inside of me that makes me want to drink? Whenever I’m sad, whenever I’m upset, sometimes I get the craving. “Maybe,” I think “Maybe if I have a drink it’ll be okay.”

It isn’t okay, though. Drinking makes me become more contemplative near the end. It makes me feel even worse about whatever it is that I’m upset about. It makes me into the monster that is inside of me. But why do I get this feeling?

Alcoholism runs deep in my bloodstreams. My mother is an alcoholic, and I’m pretty sure my dad is an alcoholic. I’m probably pretty prone to alcoholism at this point. After making an idiot of myself not once, but twice [always around ms. horse girl for soem reason], I’ve been able to keep those nights in mind and keep myself in check.

What happens when the memories of those embarassments fade, though? Will I give into the craving? It scares me. A lot.