I want to be unapologetically happy…
But why do I feel so guilty?
Dear friend,
This
past month my friends have supported me, rallied with me, laughed with
me [more than I’ve laughed for ages]… And though I can’t escape the
awkward moments when the fact comes up that yes, the asshole that is no longer in my life is still one of their good friends…
I’ve
been happy. I’ve discovered who my real friends are, who I can count
on, who I can turn to when I need to cry — and even more important,
when I need to laugh and relax.
Why is it, then, that
occasionally I’m stabbed with a tremendous pang of guilt –right in the
middle of my chest? It occurs to me in these moments that I should
still be getting over him, that I should still be sad when I think
about him, that I should still only want to be with him.
However,
what I feel should be couldn’t be further from my actual reality. In
reality, the more I look at our relationship each day, the more I’ve
realized that I wasn’t being treated the way I really would have wanted
to be treated in a relationship — not in terms of cheating or anything
horrible like that, but other, smaller, things. [Some of them not so
small.]
I just took it because somehow I felt I deserved it for being who I am. Being the way I am.
I
haven’t stopped loving who I thought he was, and I haven’t stopped
hating who he turned out to be… But without him I’m learning that I
can be even happier in some ways than before while I was with him.
Still, why do I feel so guilty about finding happiness?
Kim.
Happiness is, and has been:
my pillars
being one of the guys
and my favorite people
*thanks for supporting me from afar*
how
can it be/that he to me is such a mystery/when the truth be seen/me and
he were we/for so long in my history/why could i not see/all this
before i lost/my mind/what does it cost/to find/the next step i need to
take/to make/the world shake and turn/to my tune/i burn/to find
me/soon/er than later/so i can be free to live and be/…me
