mirrored from madpimp.com
My personal’s ad: SAF [single asian female], 21yrs, 5′, medium build, small breasts, geeky, vulgar, fun, crazy, introspective and brilliant. Seeking SM to have stimulating conversations, try new things, and have fun with. Must be nerdy.
What defines me?
Regardless of what you see in the webcam [since admittedly I can look pretty hot there ..the pictures come out way better than I actually look in real life. It’s more of a gimmick to make people come to my site than anything], I consider myself to be a girl of average to slightly below average looks. When not domineering the internet realm, I have fairly low self esteem.
Of late, I’ve been going out more than I have in the past, in the process exposing myself to the public. As a result of this I have been learning how to mingle with people who in high school who I would probably been hesitant to talk to or would have ignored me.
In these situations in the past, clubs, bars, parties, I’ve contented myself with becoming so incredibly fucked up on drugs that I don’t care about my insecurities anymore. However, since the decline of my alcohol tolerance due to several bouts of overdrinking, and my recent lack of drug use, I have come to drink much less in these group socials which results in great discomfort and feelings of insecurity and embarassment on my part.
I have to ask myself why?
Why do I feel like the nerd that sneaks into the party?
Here are the reasons that I have come to grips with:
1. I feel as if all the people [girls, boys] dressed all nice are part of the “beautiful people” crowd… a crowd to which I do not belong.
2. Everyone seems like they know why they’re where they are. They are standing with purpose. They are sitting in the chair with purpose. I have no purpose.
3. It seems as if most people have mastered the art of smalltalk and/or dancing, smalltalk something which has never been appealing to me and dancing which has never come to me naturally.
How did these insecurities come about? What defines me?
For this and as an ode to the new year, I would like to take a photo-enhanced trip down memory lane.
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9 years ago I… Had really big glasses. Got bullied in school. Got gum put in my hair on the bus. Ran away from home. Cried myself to sleep every night. Hadn’t seen my dad in more than a year. |
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5 years ago I… Had smaller, but still big glasses. Was in love with a boy named Nick. Was still called a nerd. Was coming to grips that I would never be ‘cool. Was making a lot of money through the ‘internet’ |
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4 years ago I… Started college. Information and Computer Science major. Met people who were bad influences. Learned that I could get away from life by doing drugs. |
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2 years ago I… Was in love. Had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Finally stopped punishing myself with sharp objects. Stopped blogging. Was still a nerd. |
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Last year I… Broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. Drank so much I threw up for 24 hours straight. Went to more parties than ever once I turned 21 in March. Got fucked up every time. Never got over my insecurities. Grew out my hair. |
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This year I… Am still a nerd. Still trying to get over it. Want to be a ‘cool people’ Will stop fucking around. |
I guess I drifted away from the topic a little bit there. But anyhow… The moral of the story is that I started out a nerd and a geek as a child and that nerdy geeky person will always be me. That is why no matter how I try to shake the image and the feeling, I will always feel like the girl in the first picture 9 years ago.
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Links of note: sooji for linking me as inspiration. The following people commented: Stile of stileproject and camwhores (you’ve always been my blog-idol…seriously.), RaSenGan (even though you think i’m dirty.. haha), Michael, Sidric, bob aka merry (?), Lan[crazy amounts of inspiration], property_of_nick, better tomorrow, Eric, John, Clint, Allen {PIMP},, vinh, Josh, minh, Liss [HOT chick], Brett, irene, tim, dA_rEaL_MexApInO, click_here_for_pics, , Wilson, and Megan. Thanks for commenting. StillADick for subscribing to me because I think his writing style is fucking amazing and I hope he gets 1/10th enjoyment being subscribed to me as I’ve had reading his site.
AND RANDOM PROPS 
I know that we can never escape our origins, for you the nerd with big glasses… for me the uncool shy girl, but know that in the time being, you are admired by many… like me! I’m not all too great in big crowds, small talk OR dancing, so you can always find me away from all that and we can do something else… like karaoke! We love you kim… keep up the spunk that a lot of us feed on!
