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Wednesday March 2, 2005 at 02:43 pm

March 2, 2005 at 10:43 pm · Filed under Rigamarole

Xanga-only: A Kim-style book review.

2001.11.29

“hi, my name is k_ and i’m an alcoholic.” how long have you been drinking? about two or three months. how many times have you drank since then? about four or five times. that’s not addiction! then why am i so scared?

every day i get such a strong craving for alcohol that it makes me cringe. every time i feel as if i’m in pain, i feel sick, i feel emotional, my first thought becomes ‘i’d really like a smirnoff right now to calm me down’. i used to be the same way towards coffee.

what is this compulsiveness inside of me that causes me to think these things? if i could, i’d drink myself into a hole and drown myself in a watery pool of booze. what kind of alcohol? any kind. it doesn’t matter. bring it on! — well, with the exception of beer, because i can taste the fermentation in that.

i don’t want to be an alcoholic, but i think if i drink anymore i will be. maybe i should take a few swigs of vodka and i’ll be able to think better. good thing we have no alcohol in our room.

incidentally, does my subconscious purposely search for men in which the relationship will be one sided?

posted by Kim Nguyen at 7:48 PM

Four years ago I wrote this and still I am none the wiser. Still I feel addicted to the drugs that have held me in the past. Still at night sometimes I wonder who I can call, if I can find the courage to call, to make the feelings go away.

Before I start, I’ll tell you now that nothing I’ve tried or am attached to was ever physically addictive besides alcohol. No meth, coke, crack, heroin, whatever. And yet, I still yearn for it. Psychological addictions can be just as dangerous.

Last night at the book store I picked up a book in the Teen section [what was I doing there?] with the huge title “CRANK” on the front and nothing else. I said to myself, “This can’t really be about crank”… but the way the letters were written in powder on the cover… I knew before I even opened it what it was about.

The first chapter
(i dont think i have the formatting right, but i’ll fix it as soon as i get my hands on the book) :

Life was good
before I
met
the monster.
After,
life
was great.
At
least
for a little while.

The story, written in disjointed, almost poetic, verse form took me through a journey of a downward spiral after she meets the “monster”, crank itself.

There are descriptions in this book that shook me to the bone.

They touched me and reminded me of feelings I thought I left. And even as I read the book, as I read about her sniffing her life away through a cut straw, I felt my sinuses twinge, taunting me about what I will never have again.

Funny, this book is to ward people AWAY from drugs.

This book is a amazing, and I feel so lucky to have mistakely come across it, to have bought it on a whim, to have read it in a whirlwind of 2 hours. It spoke to me, it called to me, it soothed me, and it lit me on fire.

For those whose lives have never been affected by drugs, this book will show you in so many words why you should stay away from them…

For those whose lives have been affected by drugs yet have never experienced them, maybe give you a better understanding about why people do… And make the blaming and accusing eyes you give them a little bit softer.

For those whose lives have been affected by drugs and have lived through them, experienced them to the bone — this book will take you back to those times, those swirling nights and days and nights and nights and more nights. And at the end, you will be thankful that those nights have not darkend your life the way it has the people in this book.

And for those of you who are still in that life… Read it, and see what may be.

——

I need a drink. Patron anyone?

——
More exerpts from the book:

No Time Like That First Time


Fire!
Your nose ignites,
flameless kerosene
(and, some say, Drano)
laced with ephedrineyou want to cry
powdered demons bite
through cartilage and sinuses
take dead aim at your
brain, jump inside
want to scream

troops of tapping feet
fall into rhythm,
marking time, right
between your eyes
get the urge to dance

louder, louder, ultra
gray-matter power,
shock waves of energy
mushroom inside your head
you want to let go

detonate
annihilate barriers,
bring down the walls,
unleashing floodwaters,
freeing long-captive dreams
to ride the current

through
arteries and capillaries,
pushing, rushing,
raging torrents
pounding against your heart
sweeping you away.

Sup007 said,

March 3, 2005 @ 12:26 pm

~so many people use the bottle as an easy way out of their problems….a way to forget and put off….not solve and move on…..=/~”search for men in which the relationship will be one sided?” i think we need clarification on that……i think i need clarification on that =p~you told me about the book last night and it sounds interesting but i wonder if me not experiencing the effects of as many drugs….or the addictions to them…..will give me the same connection to the book as it did you?….probably not but hopefully I will enjoy it just as much

inkhelm said,

March 3, 2005 @ 12:29 pm

care for any absinthe? oh btw, i’ll be in so cal weekend of mar. 24th :)

franksabunch said,

March 3, 2005 @ 1:39 pm

Almost everyday I see people whose lives and families have been destroyed by drugs…please stay away… =)

lumpiablog said,

March 3, 2005 @ 2:05 pm

I guess I’m due for another visitn to B&N. I think I’d get better than results than just looking for ‘crank’ on google.

stupidcrazy said,

March 3, 2005 @ 2:07 pm

I am an Alcofrolic here the is sample of one of my debauched nite.  Glad to see u around there Kim.  Hope all is well.  Missing ur almost daily entries.  Btw I go an iron liver…
1)     10 assorted Beers
2)     6 Dr. Pepper
3)     4 Long Island Ice Tea
4)     4 Grey Goose with Tonic
5)     4 Special Funky Mixed Drink (I saw Henny, X.O, VSOP, go into it)
6)     6 Patron Silver
7)     4 Grey Goose
8)     4 Wild Turkey
9)     4 Henny
10) 4 VSOP
11) 3 Liquid Crack (151 and Jagermiester)
12) 3 Liquid Heroin (151, Jagermiester, and Goldschlager)
13) 2 Agent Orange
14) 2 Johnny Walker Blue
15) 2 Louis the 13
16) 2 Vietnamese Firecrackers (egg yolks with Tabasco and something else… Nasty)
17)  2 Jamesson’s 151
18) 2 Jose (the hard way i.e. snorting the salt and squeezing the lime into the eyes.  What can I say?  I hang out with some deranged Mofo.  Although the shit was hardcore and rugged)
19) 2 Cookie Monster
20) 2 Monkey’s Ass
What can I say?  I am Mr. Stupidcrazy.
 

luvlyangel_06 said,

March 3, 2005 @ 2:13 pm

i recently had to just leave alcohol alone…i was starting to get carried away with…i overcame it before it became a problem but they are alot people who havent…….
kiera

CivicRacr said,

March 3, 2005 @ 2:15 pm

i’ll take a shot…heh…only on weekends or when im in a party mood though…i find comfort on impulse buys, sucks…but has the same effect as acohol, drains the wallet pretty quick

HotterBoy said,

March 3, 2005 @ 3:09 pm

I had a girlfriend 2 years ago who used crank, and she was a wild, she-devil horny creature. Did Kim have a promiscuous past as well? I never have done drugs too much. Just the alcohol sometimes. Are you a self loathing artist like Dylan Thomas, Sylvia Plath and Poe? You seem better now, but those feelings will always come back trying to seduce you once again.

auracle said,

March 3, 2005 @ 3:19 pm

Haha..i myself was going to write a blog about addiction. damn cancer sticks and liver transplant accelerators. now i’m just too busy to take time and organize my thoughts to write anything properly. Anyway. patron huh? :-\ all tequila makes me nauseous. how about some Belvedere or Ciroc instead?

shirtpuppet said,

March 3, 2005 @ 4:08 pm

You can call me if you want

kalamai said,

March 3, 2005 @ 4:08 pm

i’ll try the patron! seriously though, it’s funny that you bring this subject up. i’ve been asking myself if i’m becoming an alkie. everytime i’m reminded of how lonely i am, i go for it–doesn’t help that i’m 21 now. i try to preoccupy myself with chat buddies but people are usually OUT by thursday night through monday…then i reach for the phone…call hella people who don’t care. *shrugs and sighs*

Tsunaki36 said,

March 3, 2005 @ 5:46 pm

i should start doing leasiure reading again.

dudeiambored said,

March 3, 2005 @ 6:14 pm

thats not alcoholic at all….smirinoff is like 5% only or less..im sure its still bad for you though

honeynutmeg said,

March 3, 2005 @ 7:55 pm

since the cold days in decemeber when i was home, ive been craving a journey into an altered state…the feeling subsided for a short while, but now its back with even more of a fury…i fear what a drug or drink would to do me right now…im already living on the darkside of life, and a small trip might lead to a deep dark fall into something more serious than i really desire…but you never know…for the time being, ill stick to the occasional shot of cheap vokdkawhen youre back and done with it, can i borrow the book?

inscrutable_soul said,

March 3, 2005 @ 7:56 pm

Yes, drugs can really be detrimental to you emotionally, physically, and mentally. Sometimes you wonder why people even think about abusing themselves with substances. Some say it is because it helps them forget the pain, it feels good, or everyone is doing it. You’re not necessarily considered a bad person for taking drugs. You just ended up at the wrong end of the stick, and it’s hard to make changes because you’ve made it a part of your lifestyle. Some people are in so deep, that they don’t recognize what they are doing is hurting themselves and others. It helps to have some guidance from people who really want to help you and who you can trust. But, very few are willing to reach out, and there are those who are afraid of seeking help. It’s a problem that may never be resolved.

wutuwaitn4 said,

March 3, 2005 @ 9:11 pm

i have a shot of chilled patron w/ u -=o)

Tinatamad2001 said,

March 3, 2005 @ 9:53 pm

Want to get a drink later?.. My treat.. =]

Onigiriman said,

March 3, 2005 @ 9:56 pm

Back in the day–1978  or so?–I was an alcoholic. Not like you, but a hard core one. I was 22 and I drank 6-8 glasses of Cutty Sark everynight. I couldn’t stop. If I didn’t drink I’d get irritable. I finally quit the heavy drinking, but I’m still a binge drinker, but with softer stuff, beer…. It’s hard to pull away… Stay strong!

whonose said,

March 4, 2005 @ 12:32 am

“I love you like the alcohol makes a life a simple rhyme
I love you like a drunk at the sound of closing time
I love you like the last shot at the bottom of the bottle,
I love you Razor Valentine…”

s1ms said,

March 4, 2005 @ 2:04 am

i almost feel like i cant comment since the closest to drugs ive been is a girlfriend who shot heroin once last year.
and i dont know what to say.
i feel like theres something to say.
but for once i cant figure it out.
its not “feel better kim” or “goodluck kim”
you dont need that. especially not from me.
least im givin that impression.
i wanted to comment last night.
i needed time to think about it.
not sure why its such a big deal.
its really not. just wont leave my head.
ahhhh damnit
its to odd being young.
“(insert whatever it is that could be said to do anything positive for you, even if it was just a smile, here)”

angry_korean_girl said,

March 4, 2005 @ 2:32 am

you used to go h5t forums didnt you :)

minho said,

March 4, 2005 @ 3:30 am

god ur korean is so badi’d fuck u sideways to hear that ot puh suh! ot puihsuh! kamsamida!
hahahha drugs are bad.stay in schooldrink ur milk

JCFans said,

March 4, 2005 @ 4:35 am

I was wondering where you were and thought that you hated me. Have you gone protected all this time??? Oh, dear God..

MrWain said,

March 4, 2005 @ 5:41 am

Patron eh?  Thats some high class stuff.  I’m sure we all go through stuff where we are like.. damn I sure could use a drink.  ohhh and what if your a person who has never done drugs but wants to… notice that wasn’t a condition when you were talkn about the book.  Btw, very interresting that its a “teen” book

estoychino said,

March 5, 2005 @ 7:06 am

looks ike an interesting book, i want to read it just for the hell of it.

nofa1r said,

March 7, 2005 @ 4:11 am

i’ve been an alcoholic for 5 years now. like you non the wiser because i drink 3-4 times a week. and its not just the 1-2 drinks per time but rather i drink 5-6 on a slow night.

BlindButDriving said,

March 7, 2005 @ 7:29 am

Sounds like an interesting book. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.
I recently poured out all my alcohol as one of the many decisions I am making in order to straighten out my life. That’s all Christmas/New Years break from college was.. Tequila, Jager, Vodka, among other things.. None of which were beer.

rubberduckiesandcheese said,

March 15, 2005 @ 1:16 pm

while you’re at it, read Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk.

estoychino said,

March 16, 2005 @ 3:22 pm

=D

ikiruyang said,

April 1, 2005 @ 7:23 am

i feel what u say, cuz i’ve been there, done that. i’ve seen a lot of friends and relatives destroyed by shiet as well. fortunately, in this world there exists…redemptive elements… and I’m not talking Jesus.
the body lives according to addictions. it’s just a matter of what addictions you choose. there are better alternatives, natural highs…
you just haven’t met him yet.

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