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where oh where…

April 30, 2002 at 4:41 pm · Filed under Rigamarole

being deleriously happy. being able to laugh about things until i cried. being able to be happy for weeks by buying myself a $2.oo treat. it sounds so childish — but it feels like i’ve only lost the ability to do these things recently. in the past year, actually. is this growing up? if so, i don’t want it.

looking out the window, i feel a light breeze chilling my skin as i watch the spotted cheery sunlight drop sparkles here and there. just enough to make me squint but not enough to hurt my eyes. where did the happiness go? i ask myself. ordinarily this scenario would have put me into a state of calm contentment — now, i feel nothing. still calm, which is more than i can say about my other states of being… but not content — not in the least. just emptiness.

i feel so completely void. is this “neutrality”? is this the feeling that is just the opposite of contentment? not ecstasy not angst… but just that much past neutral as slightly content?

i don’t know why i question things so much. what is the meaning of anything? what is the point of going on when all we’re going to encounter is more grief if only for those brief moments of happiness? I used to be able to look forward to those happinesses, i used to be able to keep myself content. what happened?

my psychologist is referring me to a psychiatrist. she thinks i need to start medication.

will this bring me back to a state of contentment? i just want to stop feeling so hopelessly sad.

Bryan said,

April 30, 2002 @ 5:19 pm

hi kim
i like the new layout.
cheer up. im feeling iffy lately too. must be the spring time blues…

saint said,

April 30, 2002 @ 9:22 pm

seriously, goddamn springtime drama. me and like all my friends seem to be going through crazy ass shit lately. it’s come to the point where i don’t even know why i try…

i think i’m gonna go lay down and die now. later.

DCGV02 said,

May 1, 2002 @ 1:14 am

yeah .. why think anything about anything? what does it all mean and who cares? none should. finally i agree.

kim said,

May 1, 2002 @ 10:01 am

hey loke —
i read these messages every day multiple times a day. most of the time i can’t bring myself to reply simply because there’s not much that i can say other than what i’ve already said, but as for reading this stuff, yes, i read it all the time.

:) but just for you, i’ll make an effort of replying more now.

Loke said,

May 1, 2002 @ 12:13 pm

Been a while since I’ve been online. So here I go. I know exactly what your thinking. Nuetrality sux. Well your right. But whats the point of going on? Well where your at is what i call the 0-factor (Neutral). But you have to struggle to stay out of the Negatives…-1 -2 -1000000000 or whatever. My advice:
Go MAKE YOURSELF A PROBLEM. This keeps life up to the fullest and you wont get bored. And also Kim do you respond or ever read these messages? And if you do wheres the responses?

dai said,

May 1, 2002 @ 4:49 pm

bring back the oranges~! at least that will cheer up my day tomorrow when i check ur site in the morning. if you cant seem to bring yourself happiness, at least bring someone else some. maybe you’ll even get some joy out of someone else’s happiness. and yes, the oranges will make my day~!

dai said,

May 1, 2002 @ 4:49 pm

bring back the oranges~! at least that will cheer up my day tomorrow when i check ur site in the morning. if you cant seem to bring yourself happiness, at least bring someone else some. maybe you’ll even get some joy out of someone else’s happiness. and yes, the oranges will make my day~!

dai said,

May 1, 2002 @ 4:49 pm

bring back the oranges~! at least that will cheer up my day tomorrow when i check ur site in the morning. if you cant seem to bring yourself happiness, at least bring someone else some. maybe you’ll even get some joy out of someone else’s happiness. and yes, the oranges will make my day~!

dai said,

May 1, 2002 @ 4:49 pm

bring back the oranges~! at least that will cheer up my day tomorrow when i check ur site in the morning. if you cant seem to bring yourself happiness, at least bring someone else some. maybe you’ll even get some joy out of someone else’s happiness. and yes, the oranges will make my day~!

dai said,

May 1, 2002 @ 4:50 pm

bring back the oranges~! at least that will cheer up my day tomorrow when i check ur site in the morning. if you cant seem to bring yourself happiness, at least bring someone else some. maybe you’ll even get some joy out of someone else’s happiness. and yes, the oranges will make my day~!

dai said,

May 1, 2002 @ 4:50 pm

bring back the oranges~! at least that will cheer up my day tomorrow when i check ur site in the morning. if you cant seem to bring yourself happiness, at least bring someone else some. maybe you’ll even get some joy out of someone else’s happiness. and yes, the oranges will make my day~!

kim said,

May 1, 2002 @ 6:08 pm

uh, just press refresh a few times and the oranges will come back.

Michelle said,

May 1, 2002 @ 10:09 pm

Hey, Kimmy. True, there are some people that really need to go anti-depressants. Some people have huge problems and chemically need the drugs to help them fix things. My cousin, awhile back, stopped taking her medication, and she began wandering around the house, sitting on the couch, staring blankly at nothing for two hours and randomly making strange "eep" sounds. Laughable, you may think, but she had serious problems.

However, I think that nowadays, a lot of people go on anti-depressants when they really shouldn’t. Tough it out. Sure … most people hit a stage when they feel the way you do. I did. But rather than go on medication, just live with this feeling. It sucks but eventually you’ll grow from it. I just feel that if you go on medication, mentally, you’ll always depend on it, and want to use it whenever things look bad.

Life can be shitty, but you should be able to say at the end that you lived it all, good and bad.

babysharka said,

May 2, 2002 @ 1:52 am

Holy smokes. The site changes colors! And I thought I was on pot. Ah, rest assured, Kim, I’m a pot virgin. Although you might wanna try a condom theme, just for kicks.

The things that make me happy is when I’m part of something exciting. I wish people just don’t say "cheer up," cuz it’s not very useful. How do I cheer up? Join a protest. Go argue with a communist. Be immature, ask questions in a condescending manner that makes people defend their beliefs. Talk dirty with my peers. Being weird; that’s what I like to do. Cuz being "normal" is so boring, so neutral. When you put yourself outside of the safety zone, you do something. And maybe you feel better knowing you accomplished in tackling a problem, or maybe you just feel sadistically evil, or enjoy being a non-conformist.

Maybe you can try taking risks, like go skydiving, bungee jumping, … but not drugs cuz that shit’s whack. I know what you going through, and I dropped my last quarter because of it. But, now with my mom giving me a death threat (well sort of), I feel very motivated! Damnit, even my Eeyore is excited!

rounin said,

May 2, 2002 @ 4:30 am

the less things you depend on the better. even drugs/medication.

blame everything on hormonal changes and youth, then be strong.

the weaks always suffer more.

oh yeah, and do some sort of physical activity/sport or martial art. my best form of soul cleansing.

mens sana in corpore sano.

Arichi said,

May 2, 2002 @ 1:52 pm

Hey,

I’m not a psychiatrist; I do my guesswork in cargo pants xor blue jeans with a shirt, not a frilly sweater. Having said that, I know you’re probably feeling sad, but do you think that the medication will make you feel better? Or that the psychiatrist will know what’s good for you better than you will?

You don’t need me to tell you that you’re a very smart girl. If you’re unhappy, you really should do more for yourself – please don’t fall into an unselfishness trap (the belief that you must put others’ happiness before your own).

I don’t have all the answers for myself, let alone all the answers for someone else. But I definately encourage you to spend more time on yourself doing things that you enjoy. Don’t settle for content – seek happiness and be happy.

I doubt there’s anything I can do to make you feel better. If there is, let me know.

tim! said,

May 3, 2002 @ 3:03 am

funny, i’ve never seen you as "completely void," you always seem so happy everytime i see you, (except when you had bronchitis, that musta been hell) but i guess that’s b/c i don’t even know you that well…anyway, i hope you feel better…

Jay said,

May 3, 2002 @ 9:36 am

you know, i feel, i’ve been feeling, exactly like you as you describe it. happiness and laughter seems to be something that’s been elusive to me the past year. i can’t write it off as part of growing up, because i’m grown up. life throws so many curveballs at you and it’s hard to hit them all.

in short, life truly does suck and it screws you in the ass. sometimes i just want to take a revolver to my head.

life gets worse. so whatever problems you’re having now, just think of how pitifully depressing mine is, and it’ll put things in perspective.

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