Archive for July, 2002
July 28, 2002 at 11:09 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I’ve been everywhere and all around lately. Not necessarily meeting new people, but learning more about things, that’s for sure. More about myself, too.
Like how I don’t take care of myself enough. Bronchitis is back, throat inflamed, my chest heaves every once in a while as if that would help rid itself of the crap that’s stuck to it. Being tired constantly doesn’t help.
Been watching the news lately. Always depressing — but at least it’s interesting.
I just wanted everyone to know that I’m not dead. I’ll be back with vigor one day… I just can’t find the energy yet. Love you all.
July 21, 2002 at 11:29 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
The other day after coming across 1000deaths, a site dedicated to the victims of suicide and their survivors, I came up with the great idea to create a site where people could write about their experiences with suicide.
However, not only would this be a forum of people who have lost family members and friends through these types of tragedies, but a place also for people who have attempted to do this and survived to write about their experiences.
It seems, the most commonly asked question has always been why.
This way, those who feel so alone will know that they are not alone in the way they feel… and people can share their experiences… and at the same time those who are thinking about doing something like this will see what kind of pain they will leave behind and think twice about what they are considering.
Maybe.
However, after talking this out with some friends, the general concensus was that it wouldn’t be a good idea.
What do you think? Should I do it or not, and why?
July 17, 2002 at 7:08 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Recently I had my picture taken by the kind people at activx for free. I’ve been kind of shy to post them publicly, but I kind of want to know what everyone [besides my friends] thinks of them… Mind you, they’re studioish pics, so I don’t really look like this in real life. 
hehe.
I look better! HAH! Just kidding just kidding.
Do you ever get that feeling where you know you should sleep, but your head is racing at like 500mph and you’re not tired? Oh wait. I think that’s called manic. 
Oh well, if you answered yes to the former question, then at least I know some readers are just as crazy as the writer.
I’m insane YAY!
Click MORE for pictures.
Read the rest of this entry »
July 17, 2002 at 6:51 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
In an attempt to make things a little bit more interactive, I will attempt to put an insightful question at the end of each post. Reply to it if you want, but most of all I think I’d like it if you took it with you for the day and think about it. 
Today I have nothing to write about, so I’ll skip right to the question.
Have you ever bought or made a present for someone else that you really like, even if you’re not sure if they’d like it just because you wanted to buy it? Why?
July 16, 2002 at 10:37 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
so many times we as humans are concerned with what is fake. we are so intent on finding out what it is about others that is fake and unreal that we completely pass over what is real. well, at least i know i do it.
i fail to remember, fail to note, that even the falsest part of somebody is also at the same time a real part of them. a fake compliment — real effort or real condescension, a fake smile even though you know its fake reveals hidden anguish, anger, irritation.
no matter how fake someone appears to be, in that moment they are really what they appear to be. it’s like being an actor in an improvisional play in which you only know the general idea of the character’s character. in that moment, that person is really you. so essentially, people are always real regardless of how fake they are.
what do you think?
are you fake?
July 16, 2002 at 10:45 am · Filed under Rigamarole
This girl received a rather strange e-mail about people who were trying to coerce her to join them by claiming that 99.99999% people in the world are fakes, and that they aren’t. [click MORE below for the letter].
This was my response to this oh-so-strange letter:
I think they are talking about people who have “needs” that aren’t actually needs. Everybody who wants something, or ‘needs’ something that is not essential is fake.
Why would this matter… the simple act of needing things tht you don’t need? Probably because beyond your most primal necessities, everything is done for the purpose of seemingly gluttonous self gratification in a way that is not essential to living.
So in going beyond what is imperitive to have and want, you are not being true to yourself or others because you are not being completely true to what should be at the basis of human nature.
However, my view is that these people, whoever they are are hypocrites. If they have no needs or wants that are more than essential, and all other humans are enemies to them, then why in the world would they need allies? In this desparate call for the allying of those who believe all others are enemies, these people are simply proving that they DO need more than what is essential to living, proving that they DO need more than the ‘survival of the fittest’-like theory they are giving just by trying to coerce others to join them.
All in all, it sounds like a desperate ploy for attention. And I know about those, because I’m the champion of them.
Read the rest of this entry »
July 15, 2002 at 11:25 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
re-reading my “about” section, I realize that it’s rather misleading. i seem to come across somebody who is fairly confident and knows what she’s doing and where she’s going. this is probably how it should have gone:
about me
hi my name is kim nguyen and i’m a 19 year old girl dealing with depression. well, manic depression, but mostly the depression part. or trying to anyhow. about eighty percent of the time i’m fine. and then the other twenty percent of the time i blog. in the eighty percent of the time that i’m feeling good, i’m actually a decent person. i may even be a remarkable person.
i like the zoo, amusement parks, movies and have a passion for all things cute. i tend to ignore people’s bad qualities during my high moments.
i write better than i speak — which really doesn’t say much for my speaking skills, but sometimes i can be more proud of my writing skills than I should be. white lies tend to slip from my mouth and fingers, and in my low moments these white lies can become a huge problem that i cannot control.
i’m easily manipulated, but i usually don’t really mind. my mother was manipulative and i guess i just learned to live with it. adapt and survive and all. i suspect i may be unconsciously manipulative, but most of the time i have no idea what i’m doing… nor do i really care enough to change that… i’m too absorbed in what’s going on within my head to pay attention to what’s going on around me most of the time.
i make myself suffer a lot, needlessly. most of the time i can see it coming. everyone can,, but i let it happen regardless of this. sometimes i wonder if i’m a masochist. i think most of the time it stems from boredom, idleness, and stress.
i really like food. particularly sushi, sharp cheddar and flaming hot cheetos. i eat a lot and i’ve gained over 15 lbs in the last year. i feel more than gluttonous.
i like to write wish sharpies more then pens. i like free stuff. i like sticker pictures. i like my webcam. i love my boyfriend. i love my website. i love my planner. and i love my mommy as much as i’m scared of her.
July 13, 2002 at 4:29 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Sometimes starting a new layout makes me feel as if I’m starting anew. It makes me feel as if all the crap of the past is going to wash away with the discarded pictures. Like I can let go of crap almost.
–
Lately I’ve been trying to keep in better contact with old friends and people that I used to talk to a while back. The people I talked to before I came to UCI and everything got wrapped up in this blur of life and life discoveries and all that bullshit.
It’s weird how with some people it can be like you never separated, and then with others it’s as if you’re complete strangers — I guess it all has to do with the chemistry between the two people. Unless of course some people always act as if they’d never separated and others always act as if they’re complete strangers with people they don’t talk to in a while.
I’m sure that’s the case for a rare few… but I think it depends more on the prior relationship and as I said earlier, the chemistry between the two people.
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Dreams
I had a dream the other day that I was stabbed in the back and was paralized from the mid-back down.
I don’t have a clue what it meant, but it was sure freaking scary. I dreamt about myself trying to lead a ‘normal’ life with only the use of my arms. It was so realistic when I woke up I had tears of relief and fear in my eyes. I don’t know if I would be able to handle any kind of handicap.
I can barely handle life as it is.
July 7, 2002 at 5:01 am · Filed under Rigamarole
it’s funny, depression. it hits at the times when you least expect it, flattens you completely only to leave, making you wonder if it’s a real thing at all. It’s that little, unexplainable thought in your head that suddenly starts nagging at you the same words, feelings, and sentiments every day.
“Did I ever mention to you, Kim, that you hate life? This is the motha fuckin voice in your head by the way.”
Why… why… why me? I’m happy! I just had a great time with my friends. I have a great boyfriend. Things are good. — Yet they’re about to fall apart any minute. Any minute things will topple over and disappear into oblivion says this ever-pessimistic presence in my head.
Any minute and everything will be gone.
I really have to find my bottle of pills. I missplaced my antidepressants last week.
July 3, 2002 at 6:25 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I temporarily break away from my hiatus to bring you this public message.
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It’s strange how though a blog is directed to the public, many entries that I’ve written and many entries that I’ve read from the people I know when written publicly are directed towards somebody or somebodies in general.
Names are never mentioned and events rarely specifically laid out, and anybody within that general bubble of people are bound to read and realize exactly what situation and who is being written about.
—
With that said, I would like to direct this entry towards myself. I feel good right now. It’s odd, too, that I should feel this way — considering my current standing… at the same time though, it’s not strange at all.
Last week was probably one of the more hellish weeks of this year and I came out of it with a horrible cold… but at least it’s over! (The week that is, not the cold). It’s almost cathargic, this feeling that almost everything is done, and I can settle back into a routine again without feeling like some terrible consequence is going to result if I don’t work really hard.
Routine in school, work, and bills is good because that leaves time to tune in on the finer points in life without feeling overwhemled.
It’s 6 AM and I’m on nyquil. I think it’s time to head in. Needed to dump my brain.
