i’m not going to lie to you. i haven’t had a very good time being at home. every moment i wish i were back in irvine where i love my surroundings, love the people around me, and most of all am away from the things here that i hate. my room, the place i know so well feels like a trap, a kennel from which i want to break away — and yet guilt holds me back and keeps me at home even though there’s nothing to do. guilt that she is forever laying on me.

—
Digression:
I choked for a second on something and coughed. From the other room she immediatly jumped on this and said “You’re sick! You’re coughing, you have to go to the doctor.”
“No, I’m not sick,” I replied “I just choked.”
“No, you’re sick! You need medicine!” she screamed.
I said “I feel perfectly fine.”
“You need to go to the doctor and tell him that you’re sick so that you can get medication for me in case I get sick. Can’t you tell I’m almost dying? Don’t you have any pity? I took care of you all my life and now you won’t help me when I’m sick? Who will love you if I die?”
Manipulative bitch. That was her plan all along and I knew it. She didn’t care about whether or not I was feeling alright.
—

I don’t think I want to be back. I want to go home to Irvine, or at least be far away from the buddha-filled shrine that my mother calls our home. There’s absolutely nothing to do there. Now I remember why I buried my head into the internet. I remember back at all the times when my mother would not let me go out. All the times when I had to stay inside the house when my friends all went out. It’s all the more apparent now, when I finally am able to break away from it.

i hate being at home.

. . .

James seems different now. More reserved, more quiet, less jolly. I might be perceiving things differently, but I don’t know. I suppose it’s to be expected, considering everything he’s been going through. His surgery is tomorrow. I made him a present… something of a charm, but I can’t give it to him now because it’s too rainy and too stormy for me to drive all the way to San Mateo. I hate it! I can’t get myself out of this hell hole.

—

This entry feels long, but I think it will be one of the last entries few entries i write for this winter vacation unless I buy myself a modem. I don’t have any way to connect to the Internet otherwise unless I come here every day. Maybe I’ll put that into practice, though. It’ll give me time away from home.

I miss you. All of you.