So, today I signed for my own car insurance for the first time. While the act itself isn’t such a big deal, it’s really had a hard impact on me.
The end of the car insurance marks the end of any connection I have with my immediate family [and by that, I mean mom and brothers]. At least before this I’d get an email every 6 months telling me to pay my mom. But no, here’s where it ends, with car insurance. Now, with finality I can say, it’s unlikely I’ll ever speak to any of them again in a long, long time.
The last time I was with everyone, Christmas 2005
There’s a certain loneliness that comes with being disowned by the people who raised you. Moreso than that, though, is a sense of complete failure.
You grow up hearing that families are supposed to stick together no matter what. Even my own family said that. Growing up, my mom would always say “Your friends will go away, but we as a family will always be there for each other”.
I guess what she failed to mention is that I would only be accepted by my family if I didn’t make any of my own choices. And beyond that, as long as I didn’t make any mistakes. Oh, and as long as I never, ever made amends with my father.
It really tears me apart inside knowing that my family doesn’t really care that I’ve put my life back together piece by piece. And that they don’t really see any difference between the person that I am now and the insane drug-addicted bi-polar run person I was before I started my life over. All they can see is that I’m fat, ugly, and not doing what they tell me to do.
I know the changes I’ve made in my life have been the right ones, but it’d be really nice if I could get validation from my own family.
Hardened
You would think that after a year of being completely severed from my mother and brothers, I wouldn’t still seek their approval and kinship. But I do. Recently, I’ve tried to reach out a few times. Most notably prior to my baptism. I wanted to make sure I went into it without any regrets.
Other than the anti mormon literature, my family pretty much ignored my attempts to rekindle any kind of relationship.
It hurts, but I guess I can move on.
My father
I’ve mentioned my mom and my brothers several times in this entry. You may be wondering where my dad was this whole time. My dad was out of my life for over 13 years, and we only met each other again about a year ago. So, I only recently became acquainted my father with that side of my family.
My dad actually did, in fact, attend my baptism. Which meant a lot to me, actually. Him and his side of the family, my uncle and my cousins have been accommodating in every way.
I love my dad, from what I remember of him, but aside from familial care, it’s very difficult for me to accept my new family into my heart. At times it’s almost painful to be with them, for as happy as they are to see me every time, and as happy as I am to have a group of people accept me as their own, it’s really not the same, because I didn’t grow up with them.
Car insurance
So, as I was saying, today I purchased my own car insurance for the first time. With it came all these feelings. I’m sure for most it’s just something that has to be done, and nothing more. But this time, right here, this simple life task makes me feel so heavy I feel like I’m going to sink into the floor.
My heart hurts so much, I can barely breathe.
I’ll end this with the last words I heard:
“I hope I never hear about you or think about you again until I die. Just the thought of you makes me suffer”
Oh mom, you hurt me too. More than you’ll ever know — because if you did, I don’t think you would have treated me the way you have all these years.
