inicio mail me! sindicaci;ón

Car insurance

So, today I signed for my own car insurance for the first time. While the act itself isn’t such a big deal, it’s really had a hard impact on me.

The end of the car insurance marks the end of any connection I have with my immediate family [and by that, I mean mom and brothers]. At least before this I’d get an email every 6 months telling me to pay my mom. But no, here’s where it ends, with car insurance. Now, with finality I can say, it’s unlikely I’ll ever speak to any of them again in a long, long time.

My family
The last time I was with everyone, Christmas 2005

There’s a certain loneliness that comes with being disowned by the people who raised you. Moreso than that, though, is a sense of complete failure.

You grow up hearing that families are supposed to stick together no matter what. Even my own family said that. Growing up, my mom would always say “Your friends will go away, but we as a family will always be there for each other”.

I guess what she failed to mention is that I would only be accepted by my family if I didn’t make any of my own choices. And beyond that, as long as I didn’t make any mistakes. Oh, and as long as I never, ever made amends with my father.

It really tears me apart inside knowing that my family doesn’t really care that I’ve put my life back together piece by piece. And that they don’t really see any difference between the person that I am now and the insane drug-addicted bi-polar run person I was before I started my life over. All they can see is that I’m fat, ugly, and not doing what they tell me to do.

I know the changes I’ve made in my life have been the right ones, but it’d be really nice if I could get validation from my own family.


You would think that after a year of being completely severed from my mother and brothers, I wouldn’t still seek their approval and kinship. But I do. Recently, I’ve tried to reach out a few times. Most notably prior to my baptism. I wanted to make sure I went into it without any regrets.

Other than the anti mormon literature, my family pretty much ignored my attempts to rekindle any kind of relationship.

It hurts, but I guess I can move on.

My father

I’ve mentioned my mom and my brothers several times in this entry. You may be wondering where my dad was this whole time. My dad was out of my life for over 13 years, and we only met each other again about a year ago. So, I only recently became acquainted my father with that side of my family.

My dad actually did, in fact, attend my baptism. Which meant a lot to me, actually. Him and his side of the family, my uncle and my cousins have been accommodating in every way.

I love my dad, from what I remember of him, but aside from familial care, it’s very difficult for me to accept my new family into my heart. At times it’s almost painful to be with them, for as happy as they are to see me every time, and as happy as I am to have a group of people accept me as their own, it’s really not the same, because I didn’t grow up with them.

Car insurance

So, as I was saying, today I purchased my own car insurance for the first time. With it came all these feelings. I’m sure for most it’s just something that has to be done, and nothing more. But this time, right here, this simple life task makes me feel so heavy I feel like I’m going to sink into the floor.

My heart hurts so much, I can barely breathe.

I’ll end this with the last words I heard:

“I hope I never hear about you or think about you again until I die. Just the thought of you makes me suffer”

Oh mom, you hurt me too. More than you’ll ever know — because if you did, I don’t think you would have treated me the way you have all these years.

brent said,

May 10, 2007 @ 4:37 pm

this might facilitate closure a bit more. We’ll see.

bai said,

May 11, 2007 @ 12:30 am

(if it says required, i will write it… lol, just a thought)…i have been reading ur entries since two-three years ago (ah_cheng, from xanga)…many funny, some serious, so in-between about nothing, but still worth the time to read..

the internet…. what a world..

i wonder if your family ever read ur blogs…cuz if they do, it sure opens a lot of doors… and i guess what i am trying to say is that things could be different, if there was only understanding… and if somehow these blogs could be translated to ur parents language…how would they react? I don’t remember, but I do think u wrote (or mention) a few times about this topic…but anyhow, wish u the best for what is to come… :)

phuoc said,

May 11, 2007 @ 7:03 am

if you have any questions about the insurance stuff you can always ask me…i’m an insurance nerd.

mich said,

May 11, 2007 @ 9:43 am

You did what you can to reach out. At least now you can continue to move on, enjoy what you have now and concentrate on a better future.

joey said,

May 11, 2007 @ 7:07 pm

your family is supposed to be the closest people around you..and i grew up hearing that “Your friends will go away, but we as a family will always be there for each other” saying as well. but it turns out that … they are usually the ones who hurt you the most. and they are surprisingly the ones who DONT understand you.
and even though i dont know you (and you dont know me) .. but i can honestly say that i know exactly how you felt when you wrote the above entry. and my heart ached for you as i was reading it..
just recently my mum said some pretty harsh things to me and i was trying to reach out to her as well.. and it seems as tho we will never have a normal mum-daughter relationship again. however,deep down inside i know that she loves me more than anything,but at the same time she’s confused and angry. so for the time being i just have to leave her alone. and im sure that your mum loves you very much too, just not in the right way or the way that you want her to. i truly believe that over time, things will be okay.. not perfect the way you want it, but at least okay.
i hope you’re enjoying your “new” life right now, and moving on from the things that made you sad in the past… =)
sorry i left such a long comment.
oh. and smile.

Anthony Pham said,

May 31, 2007 @ 3:44 am


I found your blog looking for “Korean bitches” on Google (strange, I know, but I wanted to see how Korean women are outside of K-dramas). Anyway, I read this blog entry of yours, and I felt compelled to write for some reason. A part of me wants to say, “I understand,” yet, who am I, a complete stranger, to say that, you know? It just sounds so familiar, and compared to my own life, it’s almost like… what could’ve been had things made a turn for the worst. Both my Vietnamese parents wanted me to become a physician, and in fact, I was working toward those ends of my free will until I found something I enjoyed more. I gave up everything despite what my family and friends said — my job, my medical school aspirations, my goals — to follow something I invested a lot of faith and belief in. I quit everything and used tens of thousands in loan money to start currency trading (i.e. one of the most riskiest types of trading where only 5% of the participants actually profit). Had it not been that I have been providing my parents financial assistance since college, I’m sure I would have already been disowned. I believe they realized who is truly dependable after my only brother, a wealthy anesthesiologist, turned his back on them a few years ago.

In any case, I had only a taste of what you went through, and can only imagine what it must be like, especially for someone who seems to value family. It’s very sad… how your family could not accept your decisions in life. Vietnamese families tend to be rather stubborn, uncommunicative and set in their ways until something slaps them awake and they realize that perhaps they made a wrong decision and it was their own fault to begin with. It’s probably better to live your life to the best and let time do it’s job if that’s the case.

Take care,

Lisa said,

June 18, 2007 @ 1:17 pm

There are so many parallels between your abbreviated story and my life. I feel for you, truly. I am 32 now, married to a German man whose family is in Germany, and can not come to the States to visit. My ‘family’ live an hour and a few minutes a way, and they didn’t even come to see me when my son was born 3.5 years ago. I had no one at my wedding, and had to have perfect strangers as witnesses. My father and I have not really spoken but maybe a half dozen times in about 15 years. The last time I heard from him was when my 16 year old half sister (whom I didn’t really know) was killed. He tried to make me replacement daughter for about two seconds, but I cut him off when he couldn’t be bothered to ever inquire about my son or remember anything about him.

On to the reality. Your pain is real, and it will never go away, but in time, you will find the strength to make your ‘family’ elsewhere. You seem like a wonderful girl with a lot of talent, and a real understanding of the mistakes you have made. And most importantly, you are working to correct all of them. You are far more deserving of a wonderful existence than your family is. If they can not see the error of their ways as you have, then they are the ones that are the disappointment.

Strength comes from ourselves, not our friends or family. They can certainly help you gather that strength, but ultimately, you have to be the one to find it.

Best of luck to you, and see you around Craftster.

Emily said,

June 27, 2007 @ 8:05 am


Faith is like electricity. You can’t see it, but you can see the light…

hardasanut said,

June 30, 2007 @ 7:11 pm

Looking down the line…home defines you, but if it doesn’t allow you to also define yourself, then it means you’re probably not gonna get much of a healthy hand in defining your own kids’ lives when the time comes. People forget that families are for kids, not the parents. If they wanted to focus on the parents, they should have stayed childless.

I trust you’ll take the positive lesson of not passing the pain along to your very own someday.

btw…i’ll probably be kid-free for a while…

David said,

July 7, 2007 @ 7:20 am

I noticed the positive changes you made to yourself gradually and I’m very glad.

You told me about your family once, almost half a dozen years ago.

I just want to say, FUCK EM ALL. They don’t fucking deserve you. you got so many talents and you are on a different level anyway. You don’t need them and they are idiots for thinking of themselves and not for you. Where the fuck were they when you needed them? If they can’t see what you’ve accomplished…. well fuck em. Who cares? they weren’t very happy influences on you anyway.

Things were not so good for all of us back in the day was it? But you made it out. We made it out.

Looks like you met some really great friends and have a stable foundation around you.

Guess what? they are your REAL family.

Cherish them, love them, and take care of them.

Kelsey said,

August 7, 2007 @ 4:17 pm

I don’t know you at all but found your site via craftster. I just want to say that I am proud of you for doing what you need to to survive and grow. I have a story that is similar in a lot of ways but very different in others and I won’t say that I can sympathize with you exactly… but your story touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. What a horrible thing for you to have to go through. I am so glad that you are loved by those around you and that you have people to support you. I wish you the best.

River said,

August 9, 2007 @ 11:13 am

Hi, we haven’t met. But i think it’s funny how something as stupid and routine as purchasing car insurance can ruin your day, your week, your month, your year. I had a year like that. I’m twenty. It’s been four years since I’ve seen my parents. I don’t miss them. I miss who they should have been.

Olivia said,

November 12, 2007 @ 2:06 pm

I have just come across your blog and started to skim read and i came across this. This may nt mean a lot and seemkind of wierd coming from a stranger, but from what i have gathered you have made some pretty amazing decisions in your life, that has turned your life around for the better. I am both amazing and impressed and a little in awe, that you have done this by yourself. Given the response of your family, they are unsure of your new faith and are not quite sure how to take it all, start in some senses to see your church as a extended family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers

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