New temp layout :P
Yeah yeah yeah, I suck. I’ll be back maybe.
Archive for Rigamarole
just for you!
I was watching a TV sitcom one time [I don’t remember which one], when the wife of the main character finds out that the engagement ring that he gave her years ago was actually bought for his ex-girlfriend when he thought he was going to ask her to marry him — but he didn’t and asked his current wife [WITH THAT SAME RING] instead! So it got me thinking…
Have you ever received a present that was ‘just for you’, but then you found out later that it wasn’t? There’s something about the thought of somebody actually going out and looking for the thing that would suit you perfectly that makes a gift even more special — most of the times gifts are great even if they’re not exactly what you wanted, just because you know the person you care about took the time to find it just for you.
Doesn’t it just totally suck when you find out that that the thought behind that gift wasn’t really for you, but for someone else? All the thought and love and care behind the act just disappears, i think, especially the specialness of the gift, and all that’s left is the physical gift, none of the happiness or love or care or specialness that came with it.
So wouldn’t it doubly suck when you didn’t get the gift in the first place, but you thought that a person was going to buy you a gift because you really wanted it? Say, it was discontinued or something. Because then all the thought and love and care and specialness of the act would be gone… and you didn’t even get the thing you wanted so bad in the first place.
Yeah, that would suck.
“How do you feel?”
I should answer, “I feel good, oh I feel so good, uh! I feel fine, all of the time! unga unga unga unga unga”..
But what can I do? That’s not the case.
//begin bitching
I feel tired. Only the second week of school and my sleep schedule is already fucked up beyond repair. I sleep when I should be working, I procrastinate when I should be sleeping and I mope around and worry about things instead of actually getting up and taking action.
I feel helpless. I feel like I can’t get my shit together no matter how hard I try. I feel like every time I turn around someone is yelling at me because I shirked some responsibility or another. My fault, really, because I take on more responsibilities than I can handle, but this knowledge doesn’t make me feel any better. Just stressed… and pissed at myself for making things that way.
I feel jealous. The green tint of envy must be permanantly stained into my skin. I’m so insecure lately that everything makes me jealous of others. This is not the way I want my life to be, but this is my life.
I feel lonely. After visiting my friends up north this last time, I missed them more than ever when I came back. I miss having people with whom I can just sit for hours and do nothing with… Winter break was like having the tiniest taste again of those countless afternoons in high school. I have yet to find a group of people I feel as comfortable with, a group people who accept me for who I am, or a group of people who inspire me as much as they do all rolled into one. At least I still have them for the breaks, I suppose.
I feel tired.
//end bitching
a long time ago…
When was the last time I actually wrote about myself?… Not just about what I feel or my vague observations, but actually wrote about what I’m thinking or what things have happened? It feels like it’s been a really long time…
And even longer since I’ve written that way here.
fear
As humans, we are already so filled with emotions, why must there be fear be one of these? I feel as if I am constantly running away, constantly scared, constantly hiding behind somebody. Why is fear necessary in my life? Why couldn’t we have evolved into non-fearing creatures so that my nights aren’t filled with waking up, scared that there’s someone at my window… Why can’t I live without being wary every time I’m in the dark and jumping at every dark shadow my mind creates?
Do we really live in a world so bad that fear is a necessity?
Do you really want to know?
Do you really want to know about me, or do you just want to judge me against yourself? Are you looking for a friend, an enemy, or simply someone to pity? Am I pitiable?
Why do people read, why do people give a damn?
Why do I give a damn? The sites that I truly care about have no layout — then why do I spend so much time re-making mine? Do I not want people like me reading my blog?
I think I’m going to go back to being simplistic.
