Archive for Rigamarole
October 31, 2002 at 10:06 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Interesting, really, how people’s insecurities cause them to become their own worst criticizers. The criticism starts as a small “what if…” and grows until the insecurity becomes a reality.
Most of the time, I find this results from thinking that outside people care (negatively and positively) about what you do more than they actually do. Though it’s hard for me to grasp this sometimes, deep down I know that most people really don’t give a shit what you do or what you don’t do or how you do what you do. Why should it matter to them, anyways?
Take myself as an example: I have long thought that people cared about the quality of my posts on my site. I thought that if I either wrote from my heart or gave thought to what I wanted before I wrote it, I would gain the respect of my visitors – as those who give thought to their journals gain my own respect.
However, after almost a month of not writing here I came to this conclusion: regardless of what I write (or don’t write), the same people will continue reading and responding to my posts. Regardless of whether or not I choose to speak clearly, convolutedly, or not speak at all the same people will continue coming to my site.
This is because these are the people that already know me, or want to know more about me. Not those people who wantonly browse through sites looking for intelligent conversation. –I know, because though I respect those who write really well, I don’t have the time to read their sites: I’m too busy reading those sites of the people I want to know more about.
So, after that long analogy, what is the lesson that’s learned? PEOPLE DON’T CARE AS MUCH AS YOU MAY THINK THEY DO.
October 30, 2002 at 12:19 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Every once in a while I need to meditate and tell myself that I theoretically have full control of everything I want to choose to matter to me. Every once in a while I have to remind myself that to enjoy living I must try my hardest to keep from being swayed by things outside of my control.
I am allowed to pick what matters to me.
And I should be the only one allowed to do so.
October 25, 2002 at 12:35 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I can’t say that I’m happy all the time these days… I don’t think that would be very realistic. What I can tell you, though, is I’ve felt a 100% improvement since I began taking my medication regularly again. It’s not like it makes me any smarter or it gives me super powers or anything (though it would be cool if it did), but I feel more like the way I like myself to be more than before. I’m not as scared and I feel less bogged down, even though I’m taking on even more responsibilities than before.
I have the feeling in my mind that I want to express myself. I’ve been trying a variety of things… drawing, sewing — I even learned how to knit yesterday! For some reason, though, I keep coming back to writing.
A few days ago, I went through all my old journal entries from two years ago. Though they’re less polished, less thought out than some of my more recent entries… they have something that my newer entries are lacking. Perhaps it’s the lack of obligation… perhaps it was the fact that friends didn’t used to read. Maybe just grew up. I can’t tell.
What I do know is that my habit for writing isn’t going to give up that easily. My fingers still twitch, eager to spill my thoughts — though, these days I don’t have much to complain about (which has always been a big topic in the past, in case you didn’t know)… But I’m sure I’ll eventually find another writing niche that I enjoy.
Until then, you’ll just have to deal with reading about my daily goings-ons.
October 18, 2002 at 4:48 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
It’s been so long since I’ve attempted to write anything. It’s been so long since I’ve even thought about spilling my mind to my blog the way that I used to. It is so hard for me for some reason these days… so difficult to think about anything to write that others or even I might remotely care about.
Strange, isn’t it?
I feel almost as if I’ve unfairly used my journal. As if it’s some living being that I spilled my guts to and then just tossed away — maybe because my eyes are not the only ones that see this.
—-
I feel like I’ve changed. I apologize for the unexpected hiatus.
September 27, 2002 at 7:42 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I went in to try to give blood today, but they laughed at me! :
Anyhow! Please donate blood everybody! There’s a critical blood shortage right now!
September 26, 2002 at 6:11 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
How can people chastise me for not knowing who I am, and constantly changing myself and my views when I don’t even know what I want for dinner? Let alone one of the more difficult understandings in life. . .
I feel blah.
September 23, 2002 at 2:08 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Anyhow, this is an innocuous post about crap that nobody will ever care about but me. I think I shall remember this as the “I like the K.. Family!” post. What does this mean, you say? Well, my name starts with a K. As does Kiwanis. As in the largest community service organization in the world.
But please read more deeply than that.
The world is a beautiful place.
September 20, 2002 at 3:15 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
At work right now and they’re laying carpet in the next room w/ the door open about 3 feet away from me. I feel really dizzish/high. I think it’s from the lack of oxygen.
September 19, 2002 at 1:51 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I need to start writing again. Writing is my therapy. It’s a cold draught of water on a hot day. It’s what keeps me wanting to go on sometimes… Spilling out all the beans isn’t enough because I need to know what happens next in my story. What happens, Kim? In your adventures with so and so… and him… and her… and how is your fish?
Forget trying to make people think, or worrying about whether or not a subject is acceptable. Forget making sure I don’t sound like an idiot… for get even fixing erroneous spelling after I’ve posted something.
Ah, this will probably be my hardest transition yet.
September 18, 2002 at 10:49 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I’ve been really forgetful lately — moreso than usual and this scares me. Even though everything else seems to be functioning normally, I’ve just been a wreck with my forgetfulness. I left my phone at the bf’s house… then left my keys at the front door… then left my keys in the trunk of my car. Not only is this a rather dangerous situation (I can’t afford to lose my keys at the moment), but it also signals the impending return of the horrible and debilitating — depression. OOoOooOo *spooky music plays*.
I’m going to curl up into the fetal position and be scared now. Better yet… I’m going to go make copies of my keys now.
« Previous entries ·
Next entries »
