Pink – Don’t Let Me Get Me lyrics
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
i can’t say life’s been unfair, because it’s really not. i can’t say i don’t deserve it because i really do. i can’t say people didn’t tell me so, because they did. but i still screwed myself over in the end. i don’t feel sad, really, just kind of bothered that i seem to have lost my motivation this last quarter.
ah. finals week.
though I had a pending homework assignment due relatively early this morning, when asked if i would like to accompany Dave, Aileen and James to a gay club in Los Angeles, I pretty much immediately agreed to go — even though I was in the midst of finishing my homework.
it’s been a long time since I’ve attended any homosexual community activities and the first time I’ve attended one in southern california. It was almost strange, not seeing the same faces again, but that thought was only fleeting in my head.
one of the interesting things about going to unpublicized teen to mid-twenty age group gay events [as opposed to publicized ones like the gay pride parade or the gay pride festival… etc] is the amount of good-looking people present. it was amazing how many clean-cut, perfectly pristine and trendy looking males were squished into that dance hall. there were actually very few drag queens for the amount of people present, most of them being performers for the night. Those who were dressed up were even more beautiful than most girls I’ve seen at clubs. Everyone looked so happy, and people are so outwardly friendly. (excluding the catty bunch that was in front of us in line) All night long I kept thinking “damn you beautiful people and your perfect hair and perfectly sculpted body face and eyebrows living this beautiful life…”
—
maybe i’m strange, or perhaps desensitized from my highschool years of being around gay people and the gay community and whatnot, but seeing two guys hold each other or kiss each other to me seems just about the same as any other type of couple, be it male female, female female, transgender male, etc… one of the people who came was extremely uncomfortable with the scene and it made me wonder: is this behavior truly that deviant of sociatal rules? or is my friend is just a tiny bit homophobic? :shrug:
perhaps it’s both. it’s not really my job to judge that.
Emotions and highs and intensities are all so relative in different people. Just looking at my own friends, looking at the people I’ve been in contact with, people that I’ve confided to I realize how strangely equal we all are in our pain, suffering and sense of joy.
It’s all relative.
For example, the child who gets the balloon she’s been asking her mom about the whole day. To the child, this simple thing can cause heights of happiness none of us can seem to reach anymore — thus making us wish to be like a child again with those very same emotions. What happens, though, when the balloon pops? or breaks away from the child’s clumsy grip? — disaster. Her emotions are thrown down into an emotional turmoil and she cries. For someone older, it would just seem like another balloon, but to that child it’s the world — and losing that balloon means the crashing of that beautiful world.
It seems unfair, doesn’t it, that what’s the world to one person is so different than the world to another person. Those who have seen a lot of loss in their life couldn’t even imagine what it’d be like to cry to something seemingly petty like a balloon. — But the question is how hard would that same person cry if they again lost something that brought them joy as the balloon did for the child? That same intense happiness and that same feeling that nothing else is wrong in the world?
What if in one instant it all disappeared? –I’m sure that person would cry too.
Or at least plummet into the depths of despair.
It’s like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway. At first he wails because of a tiny papercut, but after being stranded on the island for even just a few days we see how drastically his sense of pain and suffering has changed. Where before the scenario with the papercut was pure hell for him — it becomes a position he would probably rather be in a thousand times over. — However, this doesn’t mean that he didn’t feel any pain during the time of the papercut itself. It was excruciating to him at that moment, probably one of the worst pains he’d ever had.
Even though comparitively the papercut seems petty, at the same time in that moment that pain was the worst that he knew in that moment, so in a way, it was almost equal to any other worst pains he subsequently has.
That’s why I feel sorry for jaded people. It’ll be harder for those people to find the things that make them excruciatingly happy and at the same time they’ll suffer the same pains of loss. Where the simple child can just get another balloon and have the world back in her hands, the jaded people may never again find something that can brighten their lives.
last weekend i received news that someone from my highschool class had died. a motorcycle accident. just like that, the file in my head with memories related to him darkened with the thought “gone”. It was like a light had gone out in a certain part of my mind.
i think that’s what saddens me the most. it was a matter of seconds in which all this changedin my head. years worth of fuzzy memories, wilted somehow by the news of his death, yet at the same time coming to the surface more clearly than they had before.
i’ll admit — we were never close. but he’s one of those people that I can sincerely say I never had anything really bad to say about. he was one of those people that smiles a lot says hi to peope in the halls and makes you laugh just because.
news like this isn’t supposed to come until we’re older — until we’ve parted for long enough so that the memories are no longer fresh, so that apathy can sink in, that good old “well, I don’t even remember him anyway”. it’s not supposed to happen to people our age, to people that we know.
I guess most people wouldn’t know this, since I never post about it, but recently I’ve become really interested in a dance form called tutting. It originated from popping and is considered a type of popping. So anyhow, a few weeks back I got bored and created a video of me tutting as a progress report for my master. I thought some people might actually be interested in seeing what I do in my day-to-day life. 
So here it is. 
Is this what ‘normal’ life is? Having things come and go as expected, doing the same things day to day with small alterations, but as a whole with a universe that goes on undisturbed? I used to make fun of those people whose day to day lives consisted of talking about what they had for dinner and what they watched on TV — and yet sometimes I find myself doing the exact same thing for lack of anything better to think about.
—
Take yesterday for example : the most abnormal part of my day came when I was taking a shit! Alright, so I’m taking a shit, basking in my disgusting stink, and minding my own business when someone comes in on the stall next to me. I hear a great releasing of liquid and I’m like “oh fuck. Brace yourself, Kim. That person has diarrhea and it’s gonna smell even worse in here. But it never came. I then realized this person was BARFING! Oh gag.
I have this really bad reaction to seeing/hearing/thinking about barf — I automatically start gagging myself, usually. Like the time Tim Chang (Division 12 West LTG) barfed on me on the way to CNH Key Club convention and I had a chain-barf reaction during which I barfed on the person directly in front of me. Yes. That was quite bad.
So I’m sitting there on the stool and listening to this person barf when suddenly I’m attacked by a case of gagging. I don’t know about you, but that’s a first for me. I’ve never even heard of anyone shitting and barfing at once, ever.
—
But that’s beside the point. My point is that my life has gotten so boring, that the fact that I shit and barf stays long enough in my memory for me to recount the tale multiple times.
it seems that the times when I feel the happiest, a lot of people around me are having bad times. i wish i could get to the point where everything is completely positive — or just to a point where everything negative can be ignored. but i can’t ignore my friends, or my acquaintances, or even the blogs of the people i read.
maybe it’s supposed to be this way. maybe there always has to be an even spread of goodness and badness — or maybe i feel good because subconsciously i know everyone else is doing badly.
that would be SO completely evil if it were true. 
Sometimes I amaze myself with the versatility of my talent for hurting myself. These past few weeks have been riddled with moments of intense clumsiness, embarassment and pain.
Clumsy Act #1: Last week I had a stay-over person (this means the person pretty much shadows me, a college student, for a day)… That seems normal enough, right? So why is it that I somehow found myself walking through Aldrich Park (the park in the middle of campus) in the middle of the night with my person’s boyfriend and her boyfriend’s host? Who knows… But it happened. Anyhow — so we’re walking through this park and suddenly I’m like “Ouch!”… Apparently a tree had bit me. Trust me — I know how it happened as little as you do! — damn, showering later that night was a pain.
Clumsy Act #2: Ahh… And then the other day I was running away from a friend because I was leaving a surprise at his door. Somehow I ended up hurting my shoulder because I rammed it into the doorknob. Yes. The doorknob. How my shoulder even GOT to the doorknob, I don’t even know.
Clumsy Acts #3: Alright, this is something that happens at least once a day. I THINK the door is slightly ajar. (Theres a door in my dorm that always looks kind of ajar… you’d think I’d learn by now that it’s closed…) Anyhow, every time I see this door, I’m like YES! It’s open! WOOO! Take a running leap and ram my entire weight into the door. Only to be pushed off easily. (The worst is when someone’s walking out at the same time.
Clumsy Act #4: So yesterday I was taking out the laundry. Harmless, no? I guess not for me! Somehow I dropped my laundry basket (which isn’t the basket kind, but the fold out kind with 4 legs and a bag int he middle) and somehow one of the legs lifted and broke one of my toenails. -.- How embarassing.
–
I think I should copyright jumping up and down and howling in pain “WHYYYYY MEEE WHYYY MEEEE?!??!!”… >_
recently a friend (bryce) came up with a new weapon — sword-chucks [ha!]… and it got me thinking. what other types of interesting inventions can be made? here are a few of my ideas:
Book Holder / Japanese dinner table : Have you ever had breakfast in bed with one of those table trays? Imagine the same thing, only taller and with clear plastic/glass for the table part. Put that over your head while reading and place the book face down on top of it and blammo! no need to hold up the book, and if you fall asleep it won’t suffocate you! — at the same time, whenever you need to eat, just put it on the floor and you can enjoy your ramen in a cup just as if you were in a restaurant.
Glowstick underwear: Tired of getting patted down and losing all your druges and glowsticks at parties? Instead of sticking that shit in your mouth, up your butt, into your shoe or taping it to your inner thigh, most of which can be painful, inconvenient or just plain embarassing, wear my glowstick underwear! They have pockets right around the crotch area made just so that if inadvertantly patted, you’ll just feel hard! — For those of you who have less than 6 inches under the belt, it’s also a great thing to wear if you’re planning on freakin’ tonight. *wink*
^_^; I had more, but that’s all I can think of right now… =D feedback!
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