Archive for Rigamarole
February 24, 2002 at 2:42 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I can’t blog when I’m happy… Not anything useful, anyhow. It’s weird, but I can’t express happiness well in words unless it’s complete bliss — yet I can express any form of sorrow. It’s tough to bitch and moan about things when there’s nothing to bitch and moan about.
It’s tough to make observations on the fucked up shit that goes on when there’s not really anything fucked up that goes on — none that I can write about anyhow.
“Oh my god. You haven’t posted for like… a whole week! — You got a life?!” said a friend of mine the other day. It made me laugh, but at the same time feel kind of sad — did it really seem like I had no other life besides the one inside my computer screen? :T
I don’t know. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m once again content. For the most part, anyhow. 
February 19, 2002 at 9:53 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
the other day i read a book called the fuck up by arthur narsesian. it’s about a slacker whose life goes down the drains only to start looking up in the most fucked up way possible… and then, just when he seems to be about to achieve happiness…. everything crumbles and starts to fall apart and he rushes down past even the lowest of lows that he had ever experienced before.
it touched me somehow. it makes me realize that at any point things can drop even lower than i could ever imagine. it confuses me, too.
should i appreciate life knowing that what is good is now? or despair, knowing that the worst is yet to come?
February 15, 2002 at 3:08 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
By the way, just to let everyone know — I don’t feel as depressed as I sound in the end of that last entry — it’s just how I felt at the time I wrote it in my Econ book… Valentine’s day was great, and thanks to all of the people who sent me wishes via online greeting card, AIM, and whatnot. It’s really appreciated. ^_^
February 15, 2002 at 2:31 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Scribbled among my Econ notes:
What I’ve noticed – the weather.
The weather has such an affect on my mood. It’s amazing how many different feelings come with just subtle differences in the weather.
Gloomy skies make me tired and run down – make me drag my feet – but slight misty sprinkles make me grin and hold my hands out, hoping to catch some drops and bask in the smell of wetness – trees and asphalt.
Pouring rain is fun to run though, but seems so melancholy when I’m inside looking out. The day after rain is lonely and dirty.
Lately the weather feels like april does in San Jose. Ever since seventh grade, this feeling — sunny skies with a cool, brisk breeze has made me utterly depressed. I always thought it was the springtime that made me sad — but maybe its just the connection I make with the ewather. Seems like when the sun warms my skin and the win chills me is when I make myself suffer the most. It’s when I have the most flashbacks of times when I felt less than nothing — sometimes immersing myself so deeply in my visions that the feelings are once again a part of me.
“I make myself suffer”
wow, what a pathetic line. Yet it speaks the truth about a lot of my life. Hah. If I wouldnt’ do this siht to myself, I’d probably be a lot happier.
February 12, 2002 at 11:10 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i’m going through one of those phases where i hate everyone and everything, yet at the same time i’m craving for attention and love. i have nothing insiteful to say today. to say that i feel drained is an understatement.
on a brighter note: happy new year!
February 10, 2002 at 2:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
It’s so weird. Up until now I have never really gotten many e-mails about my page. I mean, there’s the occasional once a month thing where some random person finds me interesting enough to send e-mail to, but lately the e-mailing trend has been exploding.
I can’t figure out why — and it makes me feel bad, too, since I’m probably the worst person in the world to send email to, considering that most of the times my replies are short and rather uninteresting.
Today’s most memorable e-mails have been:
A 32 year old telling me that he was just compelled to e-mail me because of my beauty ^^ (Thanks).
A 21 year old asking me if I wanted to help him on his senior project by recording ish? Like music? (Haha! Who, me? Tonedeaf? ^_^*)
… there were a few more interesting ones, but those were by far the most out there. =D Thanks guys, I’m amused.
February 6, 2002 at 3:22 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I always go for guys that are emotionally unavailable. Whether or not they know it, if I keep yearning for them, if I keep wanting them, then they’re emotionally unavailable. Why is that? I’ve derived a four word answer to that question:
Because I’m fucked up.
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I, Kim Nguyen, am fucked up majorly in the head. If a relationship is going well, then I can’t help but doubt it and lament the worst. If a relationship is going badly, I can’t help but doubt it and hope for the best only to let myself down. If there is no relationship, I have hope that one will appear — if there is one, I’m in constant fear that it’ll disappear.
I am my own worst enemy.
February 6, 2002 at 3:00 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Hey…
It’s been more than a month. I think I really am falling in love with you. Your smile, your funny comments, the way you care for me.
And yet the reserve is still there. Even at this very moment my eyes well up, scared that perhaps… it’s all too good to be true, or that one day this happiness might abruptly end. I’m so afraid that my heart is going to break once again.
I’m just destroying myself inside with my own insecurities. I know I should talk to you about it — let things out into the open — let you know how I feel. I know that’s how you like things to be. But I’m so insecure that I can’t even do that.
I can only write here. To myself. Because I’m stupid and I can’t let my feelings show. How come I can’t stop falling?
Love,
Me.
February 5, 2002 at 10:56 am · Filed under Rigamarole
My desease. Perhaps it’s spreading, or perhaps I never noticed it before because I was never aware until lately that it is something I posess. Or maybe I just never had a chance to posess it before.
What is this elusive ‘it’? It’s the thing from which most of my troubles erupt — My lack of self control. I see it everywhere lately — the way my room gets messy even when I swear up and down that I will stay clean. The way that I still go out even though I know I should be at home doing work. All the time I spend dillydallying and stressing out about shit when I could just be DOING it.
I thought it was only relavent to my relationships with people — but now I realize that it’s a long and never ending pattern in my daily life, in everything I do, in everything I touch. My school work, my relationships, my emotions, everything.
They say that recognition and admition of a problem is the first step in solving a problem — then how come it feels as if I would have been happier blissfully ignorant of my flaws? — How come it feels as if denying everything will make things easier?
At the same time, I suppose now I’ll always know that particular flaw in the back of my mind — now I can never completely run away from it. Bleh.
February 3, 2002 at 1:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I have such a lack of motivation of late… why? Life has not gotten any less competitive, yet I feel no need to push myself to my limits and try to see where my strengths and weakenesses lay — in private things (like webpage-stuff) and public things (like schoolwork). What’s wrong with me lately?
It’s that falling off the cliff feeling once again. I feel it, and I can’t do anything about it.
« Previous entries ·
Next entries »
