Unsent
Baby,

Day by day i become less and less the strong person you want me to be and the weak disgusting peon inside that I despise with a passion. The self hatred is turning into something I can barely control sometimes. There are nights that tears come to my eyes for seemingly no reason except the fact that I can’t contain my emotions. Riling and burning within me… I love you and I don’t know how to show it.

It’s too new to me. It’s too hard for me to show you affection in the way that you deserve. It’s so hard. Why do I have to bring you into my confused muddled little world of anguish and pain? Why do I constantly feel the need to share with you my anger and bad feelings when I could focus on the good things instead?

I should go back to being that happy person that held everything in like the way it was at the end of high school. It worked well then, why wouldn’t it work now? At least I was perceived as stronger then — regardless of how I felt inside… at least I was perceived as being a happy person who had no cares and no worries.

But I can’t now… No matter how hard I try — the resources just aren’t there. I feel like I’m going in a downward spiral… helplessly becoming the person inside that I hate… the sniveling insecure bitch that I try so hard to suppress. I wanted to find myself… not revert back to something I worked so hard to escape from.

I need your love.

Me.