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not alone

April 23, 2002 at 4:00 pm · Filed under Rigamarole

i know i’m not alone… then how come i feel so lonely? i know i’m loved… then how come i feel so terrible about myself?

my life as compared to … a drawing
i remember once, i had a drawing that i thought was good. i knew it wasn’t perfect, but i liked it. i asked people for their opinions and most seemed to point out the same general area as an error and all gave the same general solution for me to make the drawing better.

i fixed that part according to their wishes (or tried to anyhow)… but in doing so, i somehow disrupted the whole tone of the drawing. now it was different, and something that i didn’t even like. now, it became a very good drawing, but a drawing that i myself didn’t like at all because it was even less of what i imagined it to be in my head. i didn’t like it anymore because it was no longer what i wanted it to be.

—

the same thing is occuring in my life. i haven’t even fixed what seems wrong with me, but in turn i’m disrupting other parts of me that i felt were alright before. i dislike who i am, and i feel so alone in cleaning up the mess.

ahprie jackson said,

April 23, 2002 @ 6:01 pm

hmm i would say dont change for anyone . but if you feel that you yourself should change then do it . and i think you and can only help yourself in the end of it all no one else can or should have a say so of how or who you truly are . thats my thoughts , andi hope you feel better soon kim :)

babysharka said,

April 23, 2002 @ 7:54 pm

Reminds me of this blurb awhile back.

[What do you find attractive in the opposite sex?]

While reading my friend’s 411 I came across this question, and wondered why I couldn’t really answer that question. And on second thought, you can’t. When you look at a painting, can you really say you like only one aspect of the painting? No! Of course not, you appreciate the painting in its entirety, not in particular the curves (her figure), the colors (her
ethnicity/race), the subject matter (her personality), or the media (her background). When you go to an art gallery, you find all sorts of paintings and art
works. Many of them appeal to different parts of your "soul" (for lack of a better word). I can’t say there’s one painting that, BAM!, is The One, a
work of art that makes me laugh, cry, kill and cuddle all at once. Okay, I lost the point of my argument…

tim barbour said,

April 25, 2002 @ 1:35 am

Cleaning up the mess that is one’s life is a lonely task… one that everyone must pull themselves through sooner or later.

but it is a worthwhile task, especially if the end result is a ‘self,’ perfect or not, that you can like.

… and if you’d like, ive got a few mops and brooms keeping the skeletons in my closet company, feel free to borrow them… they’re a little used, but they work well…

Peter said,

April 25, 2002 @ 9:57 am

I am thinking someone is needing a loving boyfriend to cure the loniness…

=P

kim said,

April 25, 2002 @ 10:52 am

haha. i do have a loving boyfriend. that’s why i’m so confused.

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