“Stay away from me, I’m bad news.”
I seem to utter those words a lot lately. Why? Is it because I want assurance that whatever I should do, my actions could be justified by a simple, “See? I told you so.” — I’m not a little child. I know my actions and the probable consequences that cant be rendered from my courses of action. I’ve known since I was a child.
Why, then, am I always shocked when the situation plays itself out the way I already knew it would, whether good or bad? Why, then, do I act dumb to my very own thoughts, my very own emotions which I’ve always explored well? Am I truly that messed up in the head that a part of me wants to mess things up? Or can I really not stop myself?
Self-control. That is something nobody has ever taught me. As a child, I had an unnatural amount of self-control. To the point where my parents still tell stories about it and some who took care of me were spooked at how little I played around with things. Perhaps now, I’m making up for all that kicking, crying and fickleness by being the uncontrollable monster I am today.
I feel myself giving into my own whims. I watch the walls within myself collapse as I fall more and more deeply into what is deemed sin and vice. “I can’t help myself!” I always exclaim, my eyes wide. Oh, but I can. . . I just choose not to. I rarely forget, but it’s such a convienience to say that I have. It makes things easier, more entertaining.
Because I proclaim a lack of self-control from the beginning, because I know I will break the conventions of right and wrong from the very start, does it justify my actions anymore than it would if I never new? Would my actions be more right if I truly did NOT know? If I were blind to the fact that I make bad choices, would the choices then be bad at all? Or does the fact that I do know that i make bad choices, yet still make them for myself make it more justifiable? I’ve taken both routes, and I don’t think bad choices should ever be justified at all.
But I do it anyway. I play the dummy, or I issue the warning — the red flag of sorts — so that I can be spared from the feelings of ill will and gain the better hand in a situation.
Sometimes I don’t know the answers to my questions and I never want to know. The questions come and the infinite amount of answers are always possibilities, but never the truth but in perhaps one or two situations. To let things simply take their own course is too simple. That never happens. It’s nice to think about it, though, I suppose. It’s better to think of the past, though, and not the maybe’s. that way, perhaps I won’t make the same mistakes twice.
Hah. Imagine that, learning from mistakes. What a concept.
