EDC pics came in
Pictures courtesy of ravemedia.net
me and the bf
me and vu
me and “boobies!” aka carissa
=P
I think I’ve rediscovered myself somewhat. Recently I realized that I am really a geek at heart, and no matter how much makeup I put on, no matter how much I try to assimilate into the ‘cool’ society, I’m really a big fat geek. So, I’ve decided not to try anymore.
Wish me luck.
Things I love
My friends from San Jose came to visit this past week and it wasn’t until I was driving home after dropping them off that I realized how much I missed them. There’s nothing like leaving your friends knowing that you’re probably not going to see them for a really long time. One of them is even leaving the country for a year — I didn’t even give her a hug.
On a brighter note, Anime Expo was this weekend and i was dressed up as Chloe from Noir. Got tons of free stuff and even got my picture taken! If I find myself anywhere, I’ll be sure to post it up.
I’m at work right now. It’s boring. Yeah. So boring that I had to write in my journal. Yes, it’s that boring.
thinking
What can I do to not think? Because that’s what gets me in trouble. I want to go through the world as a blind thoughtless fool. Maybe then, maybe, I won’t be the way I am.
NeMo!
I don’t usually post these up, but this one was just too cute to pass up.
Which [Finding Nemo] characters are you?
Incidentally, I have 5 out of 8 of the finding nemo McDonald’s happy meal toys.
“toiletries”
I was at the supermarket last night getting some pads and something boggled my mind. I expected the pads to be with the other bodily needs like medicines and vitamins and stuff and as much as I looked for them, I couldn’t find them. Turns out pads and tampons and pantiliners were in the same aisle as household cleaning agents and motor oil. What the heck? Aren’t similar things supposed to be together? What do they think I’m going to do?! Get a pad, mop the floor and then fix my freakin’ car?
They need to re-think their design.
blah blah blah, cliche cliche
Need to get away. Need to have a release of some kind. A purging. And I don’t mean I need to take a shit, either. I need a katharsis of the mind. I need to break through these boundries that I’ve set for myself.
I think I tell myself that at least ten times a day. It never works.
The only time that I’ve ever been able to break away, it feels, is when I don’t even think about it. Going through boundries is such an effortless thing, yet it becomes increasingly difficult when I try.
I feel like all I write about is how much I fail at everything. How I’m worthless, how I’m useless. How I can’t be happy, even when I’m happy.
I’d like to believe that’s not true, but reading back, it seems like its hard for me to think about good things… That’s why I’m going to write one happy thing in each entry from now on.
Incidentally, I have a job interview tomorrow. I know I’ll do well.
back in the day..
Two years ago around this time
I didn’t have time to write in my blog because I was so busy enjoying life. I was busy with school, friends, preparing for college, loving everything.
One year ago around this time
I had just began medicating myself for bi-polar disorder. I was too busy trying to enjoy life that I couldn’t enjoy it.
I wrote:
I’m weirded out by the fact that I can be happy. I’m weirded out by the fact that I can be okay, not sad, not obsessed with my impending insanity — or death. It freaks me out that I feel like I’m possibly okay. That I might become my old self again. That I might be happy again.
Today I feel
Today I feel like I’m at the same place I was a year ago, yet so far away. I’ve advanced in that I have found my ability to be happy again, however, I’m in the same place because of late I’ve been getting anxiety attacks again. Now, though, I have vowed not to medicate myself because I realise that I can’t really feel happy on meds without wondering if the happiness is fabricated.
Where will I be a year from now, I wonder?
Friday May 23, 2003 at 06:33 pm
Dear Friend,
// Begin Installation #2:
So here I am in a hospital, in this weird gown that doesn’t cover my backside very well. A doctor keeps asking me questions… I keep telling her I don’t remember a thing, which is for the most part, true.
I’ve always been a really good boy. I’m a law abiding citizen, I don’t drive fast on the highway, and I don’t even like to swear. But… there’s something about drugs and some things illegal that has always been alluring to me. Maybe it’s the danger involved. Maybe it’s the complete freedom, the scintillating feel of adrenaline rushing through my veins as I do something that excites me yet sedates me at the same time.
Maybe it’s the escape.
…
It’s been a blur, really, these past few days. I wouldn’t say that I’m as crazy as Johnny Depp’s character from that one movie… What was it? Fear and Loathing in LV… No, not as crazy as that… I mean, I never saw any devils, or went out of my mind or anything. It’s not like I’m some kind of druggie or anything. I just don’t remember anything that happened.
I think my last clear memory was when I was just starting to go up when a friend at the party offered a me a few bumps.
Of course, I accepted. Who wouldn’t? It was free!
Have you ever imagined yourself in a world made of plastic? Everything is super shiny, super defined. Your arms, hard to move, your eyes — strangely spastic. And sweaty. Sticky. Everything so very slippery and hot. Yes, a world of plastic that melted into a sea of human flesh rubbing up against itself.
Claustrophobia. Somehow I found myself in open air only to be accosted by the strangly sweet and inviting smell of cigarettes, cloves and marijuana all mixed together. I must have looked pretty bad (or good, perhaps?) because next thing I knew I was sitting down and someone was offering me a puff of something.
Of course, I accepted. It would have been rude push the person away.
Now, after this is when I saw her. At this point, I don’t even remember what she looked like. All I remember was that she was beautiful beyond comprehension.
Blankness, and somehow we were at her house. It was like I was on TV and suddenly the scene changed. Who knew? Groping, grabbing, heat, and lots of snorting is what I remember. Lines. More lines. Where was I again? Another line. What was my name? Just one more time, for old time’s sake. I swear I remember her from somewhere. Oh yeah! The club.
Next, the ATM. More money. More sacks, more lines, more little pills, more fungus, more powder, more bottles. Who knows what day it is at this point. As a true supporter of capitalism, I want to consume! You can’t blame me for that, can you? I’m just working with the system that this country thrives upon!
Binge. Consume. Ingest. There aren’t enough words to express… the feeling of utter gluttony of the mind. I became fascinated with a light. It was as if I was in slow motion. I tried to catch it, this ephemeral dream of a light. And then I knew darkness.
—-
And that’s how I ended up here, in the hospital, in this weird gown that doesn’t cover my backside very well. The doctor keeps asking me questions… I keep telling her I don’t remember a thing, which is for the most part, true.
It’s all been a blur, really.
// End Installation #2
Love,
Me.
