August 22, 2002 at 3:58 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Regardless of how much I wish I didn’t care about what people think of me, regardless of how much I know I shouldn’t care about the thoughts of people I think rather lowly of, I still care. Is it that strange?
I’m ashamed to say that I’m affected by this. I’m affected by things that I should be above… Like being disgusted to the point of physical illness of a dirty, polluted stream of water though you’re simply looking down at it from a bridge. Like becoming sad when you’re watching something that’s only on telivision… Things that shouldn’t effect you at all that end up bothering you in your daily life.
I know I shouldn’t worry, I know I shouldn’t care… And strangely, a part of me really doesn’t give a shit anymore… But there’s always that tiny little nagging feeling in the back of my mind… The knowledge that I’m hated by some, and disliked by many.
At least I can find solace in the fact that I did at some point evoke a stronger emotion than apathy from some people.
August 22, 2002 at 3:40 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I hate it when you type out a whole long entry and mistakely close the window. This sucks. I don’t even remember what I was talking about. I just remember it was long. And good. And really long.
I remember thinking about how it is strange that I find no hesitation when I consider offing myself, but the thought that I might suddenly die or slowly die by things out of my control drives me crazy. Maybe it is because I’m a control freak. Maybe I’m just insane.
Anyhow, things have been going rather well lately. It feels like everything has been clicking together, I’m getting used to working hard again, instead of being a lazy bum like I was during the last quarter at UCI. I think the lethargy mainly came from the depression… but I can’t be too sure. Other than the still lingering bit of depression and this weird voice in my head that I’ve been trying to get rid of, I seem to be doing better than usual.
—
Recently, I took a trip to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and other people. That was really fun — not as relaxing as a vacation should be, but I’m not complaining. Though, there was one part of the trip that was rather disconcerting (to say the least). While I was watching my boyfriend play PaiGow from afar, a scary guy with cornrows came up to me and started to rub up my arm making weird “uhhhghhruuhhhrr” noises. Then he left. I was too disturbed to even move, and at first I figured it wasn’t a big deal… But then standing there in the middle of the walkway with a steady stream of people walking by me started making me nervous — I started breaking out into a cold sweat. So then I told the boyfriend that I wanted to go, but he wanted to finish his game so I waited, sqatting down into a half-fetal position closer to the card tables where less people were walking hoping that I had become invisible.
Other than that agitating incident, Vegas was really great. I even got to pull the lever and push buttons a couple times! How fun! The boyfriend even won money… 
Also, I’ve made a promise to myself that from now on I will be more availible through AIM and e-mail… so if any of y’all want to talk just mail me and I’ll try to get back to you.
August 14, 2002 at 1:11 am · Filed under Rigamarole
The scariest thing in the world is void — yet it is all that I can bring myself to believe.
The mere fact that all that exists in our society, our minds, and our very souls is nothing but an illuision — and that every feeling and act that does not have anything directly to do with reproduction and one’s personal preservation is simply a deviance of nature caused by too comfortable a life. The fact that all that we strive for, all that we work for may mean nothing at all in the end.
In Buddhism it is believed that the soul is reincarnated until the point where the soul reaches enlightenment. After this enlightenment occurs and the mortal shell passes away for the final time, all that remains is the state most commonly referred to in English as ‘Nirvana’ – where there exists no suffering and pain. HOwever, nirvana in Buddhism is not the euphoric state that the word implies. In fact, this ‘Nirvana’ is actually a state of complete nonexistance — which explains why this place has no suffering or pain… Because if there is nothing (and no nothing because there is nothing to compare nothing to…)… then there cannot be anything. No right or wrong, no happiness. Simply put, Nirvana is the void where existance itself does not exist.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve come to believe that this void comes regardless of whether or not one’s soul has reached enlightenment or not. I do not believe that reincarnation occurs, though I wish it did.
On the contrary, I believe that this so-called state of Nirvana is reached by everybody as soon as they die. When a person dies, they just die. There’s nothing left, nothing remaining of them except for their body and their posessions.
What are we, to presume that we’re something more than just another type of organism – the same as a plant, the same as anything else that reproduces? Are we truly the individual creatures we make ourselves out to be? Do we truly have something more than cells, chemicals, hormones, instincts and a brain?
How then, do we explain our life as it exists? Personalities, feelings, wants… Why are these so essential to our life? How is it that we can suffer emotional pain… If we were only here for reproduction and preservation, wouldn’t emotional pain be needless?
Do souls exist?
Somehow I can’t bring myself to believe that a soul that reaches beyond the human body can exist. How terrifying, though! The thought that everything you know and feel cannot exist without this exact shell that you’re in. The thought that you cannot reach beyond this fragile house of flesh is chilling to believe.
Yet, somehow for me that is more believable than the existance of souls, heaven, hell, and reincarnation…
But then how do we explain the reasons why we go through what we do. The emotional and physical suffering, pain, and trauma that we put ourselves through day by day. Is there truly nothing in the end?
If so, what is my cause? Simply to run from the void? What a dreary thought.
July 28, 2002 at 11:09 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I’ve been everywhere and all around lately. Not necessarily meeting new people, but learning more about things, that’s for sure. More about myself, too.
Like how I don’t take care of myself enough. Bronchitis is back, throat inflamed, my chest heaves every once in a while as if that would help rid itself of the crap that’s stuck to it. Being tired constantly doesn’t help.
Been watching the news lately. Always depressing — but at least it’s interesting.
I just wanted everyone to know that I’m not dead. I’ll be back with vigor one day… I just can’t find the energy yet. Love you all.
July 21, 2002 at 11:29 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
The other day after coming across 1000deaths, a site dedicated to the victims of suicide and their survivors, I came up with the great idea to create a site where people could write about their experiences with suicide.
However, not only would this be a forum of people who have lost family members and friends through these types of tragedies, but a place also for people who have attempted to do this and survived to write about their experiences.
It seems, the most commonly asked question has always been why.
This way, those who feel so alone will know that they are not alone in the way they feel… and people can share their experiences… and at the same time those who are thinking about doing something like this will see what kind of pain they will leave behind and think twice about what they are considering.
Maybe.
However, after talking this out with some friends, the general concensus was that it wouldn’t be a good idea.
What do you think? Should I do it or not, and why?
July 17, 2002 at 7:08 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Recently I had my picture taken by the kind people at activx for free. I’ve been kind of shy to post them publicly, but I kind of want to know what everyone [besides my friends] thinks of them… Mind you, they’re studioish pics, so I don’t really look like this in real life. 
hehe.
I look better! HAH! Just kidding just kidding.
Do you ever get that feeling where you know you should sleep, but your head is racing at like 500mph and you’re not tired? Oh wait. I think that’s called manic. 
Oh well, if you answered yes to the former question, then at least I know some readers are just as crazy as the writer.
I’m insane YAY!
Click MORE for pictures.
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July 17, 2002 at 6:51 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
In an attempt to make things a little bit more interactive, I will attempt to put an insightful question at the end of each post. Reply to it if you want, but most of all I think I’d like it if you took it with you for the day and think about it.
Today I have nothing to write about, so I’ll skip right to the question.
Have you ever bought or made a present for someone else that you really like, even if you’re not sure if they’d like it just because you wanted to buy it? Why?
July 16, 2002 at 10:37 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
so many times we as humans are concerned with what is fake. we are so intent on finding out what it is about others that is fake and unreal that we completely pass over what is real. well, at least i know i do it.
i fail to remember, fail to note, that even the falsest part of somebody is also at the same time a real part of them. a fake compliment — real effort or real condescension, a fake smile even though you know its fake reveals hidden anguish, anger, irritation.
no matter how fake someone appears to be, in that moment they are really what they appear to be. it’s like being an actor in an improvisional play in which you only know the general idea of the character’s character. in that moment, that person is really you. so essentially, people are always real regardless of how fake they are.
what do you think?
are you fake?
July 16, 2002 at 10:45 am · Filed under Rigamarole
This girl received a rather strange e-mail about people who were trying to coerce her to join them by claiming that 99.99999% people in the world are fakes, and that they aren’t. [click MORE below for the letter].
This was my response to this oh-so-strange letter:
I think they are talking about people who have “needs” that aren’t actually needs. Everybody who wants something, or ‘needs’ something that is not essential is fake.
Why would this matter… the simple act of needing things tht you don’t need? Probably because beyond your most primal necessities, everything is done for the purpose of seemingly gluttonous self gratification in a way that is not essential to living.
So in going beyond what is imperitive to have and want, you are not being true to yourself or others because you are not being completely true to what should be at the basis of human nature.
However, my view is that these people, whoever they are are hypocrites. If they have no needs or wants that are more than essential, and all other humans are enemies to them, then why in the world would they need allies? In this desparate call for the allying of those who believe all others are enemies, these people are simply proving that they DO need more than what is essential to living, proving that they DO need more than the ‘survival of the fittest’-like theory they are giving just by trying to coerce others to join them.
All in all, it sounds like a desperate ploy for attention. And I know about those, because I’m the champion of them.
Read the rest of this entry »
July 15, 2002 at 11:25 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
re-reading my “about” section, I realize that it’s rather misleading. i seem to come across somebody who is fairly confident and knows what she’s doing and where she’s going. this is probably how it should have gone:
about me
hi my name is kim nguyen and i’m a 19 year old girl dealing with depression. well, manic depression, but mostly the depression part. or trying to anyhow. about eighty percent of the time i’m fine. and then the other twenty percent of the time i blog. in the eighty percent of the time that i’m feeling good, i’m actually a decent person. i may even be a remarkable person.
i like the zoo, amusement parks, movies and have a passion for all things cute. i tend to ignore people’s bad qualities during my high moments.
i write better than i speak — which really doesn’t say much for my speaking skills, but sometimes i can be more proud of my writing skills than I should be. white lies tend to slip from my mouth and fingers, and in my low moments these white lies can become a huge problem that i cannot control.
i’m easily manipulated, but i usually don’t really mind. my mother was manipulative and i guess i just learned to live with it. adapt and survive and all. i suspect i may be unconsciously manipulative, but most of the time i have no idea what i’m doing… nor do i really care enough to change that… i’m too absorbed in what’s going on within my head to pay attention to what’s going on around me most of the time.
i make myself suffer a lot, needlessly. most of the time i can see it coming. everyone can,, but i let it happen regardless of this. sometimes i wonder if i’m a masochist. i think most of the time it stems from boredom, idleness, and stress.
i really like food. particularly sushi, sharp cheddar and flaming hot cheetos. i eat a lot and i’ve gained over 15 lbs in the last year. i feel more than gluttonous.
i like to write wish sharpies more then pens. i like free stuff. i like sticker pictures. i like my webcam. i love my boyfriend. i love my website. i love my planner. and i love my mommy as much as i’m scared of her.
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