July 13, 2002 at 4:29 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Sometimes starting a new layout makes me feel as if I’m starting anew. It makes me feel as if all the crap of the past is going to wash away with the discarded pictures. Like I can let go of crap almost.
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Lately I’ve been trying to keep in better contact with old friends and people that I used to talk to a while back. The people I talked to before I came to UCI and everything got wrapped up in this blur of life and life discoveries and all that bullshit.
It’s weird how with some people it can be like you never separated, and then with others it’s as if you’re complete strangers — I guess it all has to do with the chemistry between the two people. Unless of course some people always act as if they’d never separated and others always act as if they’re complete strangers with people they don’t talk to in a while.
I’m sure that’s the case for a rare few… but I think it depends more on the prior relationship and as I said earlier, the chemistry between the two people.
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Dreams
I had a dream the other day that I was stabbed in the back and was paralized from the mid-back down.
I don’t have a clue what it meant, but it was sure freaking scary. I dreamt about myself trying to lead a ‘normal’ life with only the use of my arms. It was so realistic when I woke up I had tears of relief and fear in my eyes. I don’t know if I would be able to handle any kind of handicap.
I can barely handle life as it is.
July 7, 2002 at 5:01 am · Filed under Rigamarole
it’s funny, depression. it hits at the times when you least expect it, flattens you completely only to leave, making you wonder if it’s a real thing at all. It’s that little, unexplainable thought in your head that suddenly starts nagging at you the same words, feelings, and sentiments every day.
“Did I ever mention to you, Kim, that you hate life? This is the motha fuckin voice in your head by the way.”
Why… why… why me? I’m happy! I just had a great time with my friends. I have a great boyfriend. Things are good. — Yet they’re about to fall apart any minute. Any minute things will topple over and disappear into oblivion says this ever-pessimistic presence in my head.
Any minute and everything will be gone.
I really have to find my bottle of pills. I missplaced my antidepressants last week.
July 3, 2002 at 6:25 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I temporarily break away from my hiatus to bring you this public message.
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It’s strange how though a blog is directed to the public, many entries that I’ve written and many entries that I’ve read from the people I know when written publicly are directed towards somebody or somebodies in general.
Names are never mentioned and events rarely specifically laid out, and anybody within that general bubble of people are bound to read and realize exactly what situation and who is being written about.
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With that said, I would like to direct this entry towards myself. I feel good right now. It’s odd, too, that I should feel this way — considering my current standing… at the same time though, it’s not strange at all.
Last week was probably one of the more hellish weeks of this year and I came out of it with a horrible cold… but at least it’s over! (The week that is, not the cold). It’s almost cathargic, this feeling that almost everything is done, and I can settle back into a routine again without feeling like some terrible consequence is going to result if I don’t work really hard.
Routine in school, work, and bills is good because that leaves time to tune in on the finer points in life without feeling overwhemled.
It’s 6 AM and I’m on nyquil. I think it’s time to head in. Needed to dump my brain.
June 26, 2002 at 11:08 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Never underestimate the word No.
June 26, 2002 at 11:06 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
She cringes, her stomach threatening to squeeze and implode within itself, all the while squirting out undigested pieces of food from her mouth. The stress is really getting to her. She doesn’t smile like she used to. She doesn’t feel good like she used to. No matter how hard she tries she just can’t feel the way she used to feel — normal. What happened to her smiles — they’re no longer full and carefree… What happened to her good luck?
Wanting to be responsible, she tries her hardest to do the things she promises. She can’t handle them, but she keeps trying anyway. She’s in over her head but she keeps trying. She smiles in front of people but cries when she’s alone or supposed to be sleeping.
She feels like her world is caving in on her.
June 17, 2002 at 5:40 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
I needed a short hiatus. I needed to get away from this non-world world in which I live where everything is perfect and perfectly fucked up.
I’ll be back soon. I promise.
June 13, 2002 at 9:38 am · Filed under Rigamarole
How come? Why?
June 13, 2002 at 9:28 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Pure Silk.
Paisly. Gingham. Calico. Simple complex and everything in between. The men of her life have been like a crazy quilt of random fabrics. Each different, the course, the soft, the complicated and the torn. At the center of this crazy quilt world lies the most beautiful of all fabrics. First glances don’t reveal much, but upon closer inspection one realizes that he is the strongest of strong, the softest of soft — pure silk. He shimmers with an understated glow, attractive and overflowing with hidden strength. Placing her hand on his cheek as he slumbers peacefully she realizes she would be lost without his strength, worth, and softness.
June 12, 2002 at 7:08 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Tired and weeping she stares up into nothingness wondering where the time went and why she isn’t with it. Tears flow freely inside of her as she leans heavily onto a wall, barely able to keep herself from slumping over onto the floor and turning herself into the riffraff piece of thrown away trash that she feels like. She weeps.
June 12, 2002 at 10:18 am · Filed under Rigamarole
Fuck idealisms and those pretty dreams of yellow daisies in a happy field. Fuck the movies for making things seem so great. I’m allergic to grass. I hate bugs. Flowers have thorns and when they don’t they have sharp branches and bees all around them.
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