A pessimist at heart, I can’t help but think the worst of myself and the situations I’m in. It’s sad, but I think that’s partially why things turn out so badly for me — not because I don’t want them to turn out well, but because deep in my heart I won’t ALLOW things to turn out well.
When you have a pessimistic soul and the constant urge to be right — it can be a dangerous and volitile combination.
Somebody told me recently that my journal is full of screams of “pity me!”
It’s true, of course — that’s the funny part. I think a part of me really does like it when people pity me; not in that sympathizing way where they think they understand what you’re going through, but in that “Oh shit, I can’t believe you have to go through that crap” type of pity.
Why?
It’s because I’m demented. That’s the conclusion that I’ve come up with after these few months of self-evaluation. I’m just plain crazy, and I”m probably going koo koo. I don’t know if it’s the environment I’m in, the activities I’m participating in, or the fact that I feel helpless in the seemingly downwards direction my life is plunging into.
I’m so fucked up in the head!
