The entries that I spend time thinking about prior to writing always seem to be the ones that I find more inspiring to myself later on. This is true for both my online and paper journals. It’s hard to tell whether this is because I have a truer memory of them because of the time spent, or whether it is because these special entries are entries that are more interesting to me, I have no clue.

My writing style changes drastically, pen versus keyboard. Sadly, though the conventions of writing with pen to paper leaves no room for backspace, no way to easily erase mistakes, no way to reword things, I write more clearly, more concisely when I write with pen and paper. Perhaps I take the easy-to-fix features of a computer-typed entry too much for granted and in turn my writing becomes a shoddy piece of crap that even I cringe to read.

Inspiration strikes me infrequently, but I think that when it does, I will have pen and paper at hand so that I can jot down the shit that I need to express.

—

Christmas is here once again and as I re-read my past entries at this time, I feel a certain nostalgia. I feel the exact feelings to the very most minor details of what I felt when I was writing those entries. My own words transport me back in time. Lo and behold, I’ve created my own time machine. Ha.

I’m considering halucegenic drugs. Not simply because of my lack of inspiration, but because of a dire curiosity of how deeply I can go into my mind and still be the same. Am I the same through and through ? Have I discovered all of myself? What of me is still hidden, still hiding?

I want to know. So curious.

—

What is it like to fall in love? I thought that I knew that feeling before. Each time the feeling is distinctly different and distinctly sweet in a different way. I wonder if it was love, or only a shadow of love that I caught a brief glimpse of only to have it fly by me, brushing me like the wings of a butterfly. Full of warmth and happiness.

I don’t know. I want to know. I’m curious.

—

I’m just a curious girl lately, I suppose. A nice person has gotten me interested in the general ideas of quantum physics. I shy away from anything labelled with the word ‘physics’, but the concepts are truly interesting. Maybe I’ll look up ‘Quantum Physics for Dummies’. It really reminds me of the concepts of buddhism.

It’s funny, though, how lately my mother has been trying to preach to me lessons about buddhism that I’ve always inherantly known about reality. It’s even funnier how she can’t understand where I learned it from. At least we have a better understanding about each other now. The other day she said this to me:

“The only reason that you’ve ever suffered is because of me, then. I’m the one that makes you suffer because I don’t want you to suffer. You’ve never had worries except for the ones I placed upon you! Why is it that I never saw this before?”

Sadly, she still can’t break free of old habits and she still makes me suffer. At least she knows that she’s the only one that’s making me feel bad. fuck.