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Random Mumblings

The entries that I spend time thinking about prior to writing always seem to be the ones that I find more inspiring to myself later on. This is true for both my online and paper journals. It’s hard to tell whether this is because I have a truer memory of them because of the time spent, or whether it is because these special entries are entries that are more interesting to me, I have no clue.

My writing style changes drastically, pen versus keyboard. Sadly, though the conventions of writing with pen to paper leaves no room for backspace, no way to easily erase mistakes, no way to reword things, I write more clearly, more concisely when I write with pen and paper. Perhaps I take the easy-to-fix features of a computer-typed entry too much for granted and in turn my writing becomes a shoddy piece of crap that even I cringe to read.

Inspiration strikes me infrequently, but I think that when it does, I will have pen and paper at hand so that I can jot down the shit that I need to express.

Christmas is here once again and as I re-read my past entries at this time, I feel a certain nostalgia. I feel the exact feelings to the very most minor details of what I felt when I was writing those entries. My own words transport me back in time. Lo and behold, I’ve created my own time machine. Ha.

I’m considering halucegenic drugs. Not simply because of my lack of inspiration, but because of a dire curiosity of how deeply I can go into my mind and still be the same. Am I the same through and through ? Have I discovered all of myself? What of me is still hidden, still hiding?

I want to know. So curious.

What is it like to fall in love? I thought that I knew that feeling before. Each time the feeling is distinctly different and distinctly sweet in a different way. I wonder if it was love, or only a shadow of love that I caught a brief glimpse of only to have it fly by me, brushing me like the wings of a butterfly. Full of warmth and happiness.

I don’t know. I want to know. I’m curious.

I’m just a curious girl lately, I suppose. A nice person has gotten me interested in the general ideas of quantum physics. I shy away from anything labelled with the word ‘physics’, but the concepts are truly interesting. Maybe I’ll look up ‘Quantum Physics for Dummies’. It really reminds me of the concepts of buddhism.

It’s funny, though, how lately my mother has been trying to preach to me lessons about buddhism that I’ve always inherantly known about reality. It’s even funnier how she can’t understand where I learned it from. At least we have a better understanding about each other now. The other day she said this to me:

“The only reason that you’ve ever suffered is because of me, then. I’m the one that makes you suffer because I don’t want you to suffer. You’ve never had worries except for the ones I placed upon you! Why is it that I never saw this before?”

Sadly, she still can’t break free of old habits and she still makes me suffer. At least she knows that she’s the only one that’s making me feel bad. fuck.

sonicat said,

December 25, 2001 @ 12:50 pm

Be careful if you play with halucinogens ~ shrooms and acid. Think of a good starting dose… then take half of it. You should use this method any time you come across a new batch of -any- halucinogen due to the differences in dose sizes. Some mushrooms will do nothing to you, while another that is half the size and of the same species will have you twitching on the floor blown into another dimension.

Nothing is more frightening than feeling the onset of a shroom/lsd OD. No matter how mentally prepared or strong you are, there is a dosage that will leave you sitting in the corner, curled up in a ball, sucking their thumb and crying like no tomorrow.

ALWAYS have somebody there to watch you who has done whatever it is you’re gonna do before AND is staying sober. Halucinogens are DANGEROUS shit, having somebody to direct your attention when you’re panicking can literally -save your life-. Bad thoughts have incredible tendencies to snowball and when you are shrooming/frying hard you WILL NOT be able to control your mind.

Halucinogens are definitely the way to fly… whatever it is you learn about the world or yourself, personally, is more satisfying to me than my hardest roll could ever be – and it fucks you up less.

Trevor said,

December 25, 2001 @ 7:20 pm

If you want to check out quantum physics, I know about it cuz I’m a dork like that, the easiest and fastest way to learn all about it is to read a book called, "In Search of Schrodinger’s Cat" one of the most enlightening books I’ve ever read, and baby steps you all the way through quantum physics, check it out.

dave said,

December 26, 2001 @ 10:47 am

don’t worry sonicat, if kim wants to try psychedelics like lsd-25 or psybociln, she has a source and she has people who are experienced to guide her, as well as a good environment to do it in.

dave said,

December 26, 2001 @ 10:49 am

and i take offense at "not being able to control your mind".

it’s controlling your mind that makes the acid/shroom trip so much fun. it’s how close you can be to insane, how close you can come to going wild, yet still being in control of your mind, and nobody around you is the wiser.

sonicat said,

December 26, 2001 @ 6:32 pm

Dave I’m fully supportive of lsd25 and psylocibin. I’ve messed around with it plenty myself and I am glad I did… they’ve helped me explore myself and my world and I’m glad for it.

I know Kim’s got plenty of hookups and friends who can help her out when she trips. I’ve lurked around on the right message boards, parties, and talked to the right people enough to know about them – and I trust them.

AIM me sometime btw. Check out my page for info… if it doesn’t work take out the :8000.

BTW please read more carefully… I didn’t say that shrooms and lsd straight-out make your mind uncontrollable. Of course that’s the point… to push yourself too close to insane without going over the edge. What I was talking about was -overdosing-. Test the goods in small quantities first because -there is- a dose that will push you OVER that fine line of insanity that you were trying to walk on and FUCK.YOU.UP.

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