Archive for Rigamarole
December 23, 2001 at 2:49 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
it seems as if i’ll let myself post from anywhere. so nice. i’ve been going through blogger withdrawal during the past couple days. isn’t it funny, how when you’re idle you can think of so many things to say but then when you’re actually sitting down and about to type it you completely forget about what you’ve been planning to say all along.
funny how the same seems to happen whenever you talk to people. you plan what you’re going to say, and you think of witty methods of conversation, how you’re going to lead into the witticism, how you’re going to make someone laugh, or make someone feel sorry for you, or the whatevers… but then sometimes like an actor forgets his lines, you completely forget what you were going to say and do something stupid.
blah. who said ad-libbing was easy? 
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James keeps looking at me funny. Is it because i’m looking too intently at the screen as I write? Is it because I have poptart stuck to my face? or maybe it’s the mochi. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m eating him out of house and home. hah. Probably all of the above.
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Anyhow, I’m getting braver with driving. I drove on the highway for a long distance for the first time by myself — without anybody there to guide me! I didn’t even get lost. It’s a miracle!!
Argh. I really don’t have anything to talk about. This bothers me — how come after a lapse of time I seem to lose what i want to say, when in fact I should have more to say? It seems I always have more to say on those days when I have my fingers perpetually at the keys and suddenly inspiration strikes. Maybe I just need to warm up first.
The bloggin’s gonna get pretty sporadic. Sorry folks.
December 21, 2001 at 11:58 am · Filed under Rigamarole
I feel bad: I think I’m less reassuring about James’s operation than he is. So many negative things rush through my mind at all times and I can’t help them at all. Even when I’m happy I can’t help be be a pessimist. That is the way in which my life sucks. Ha ha ha.
Recent new perspectives make me able to hold onto happy moments more easily. They make me able to enjoy them more fully. And take bad moments more in stride… But it’s still there. That constant worry, that constant nagging that things will go wrong that terrible forboding that’s always inside of me that I can’t get rid of. The thing that would grow and grow until it took me over unless I go out and do things and try to forget about it. The thing inside of me that eats me alive. Blah.
I tend to be dramatic, too, in this stage.
Sometimes I blame it on PMS. No doubt, PMS amplifies all emotions. However, most times it’s just the fact that I’m naturally filled with depression and certain things bring it out in me. My mother. Rainy weather. Being cooped up in my room. Having nothing to do. Etc. Etc.
Alright, that’s all I have to say. Call me up if you want to do something and you’re from norcal and you have my number. yeah. Hah.
December 20, 2001 at 12:20 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
i’m not going to lie to you. i haven’t had a very good time being at home. every moment i wish i were back in irvine where i love my surroundings, love the people around me, and most of all am away from the things here that i hate. my room, the place i know so well feels like a trap, a kennel from which i want to break away — and yet guilt holds me back and keeps me at home even though there’s nothing to do. guilt that she is forever laying on me.
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Digression:
I choked for a second on something and coughed. From the other room she immediatly jumped on this and said “You’re sick! You’re coughing, you have to go to the doctor.”
“No, I’m not sick,” I replied “I just choked.”
“No, you’re sick! You need medicine!” she screamed.
I said “I feel perfectly fine.”
“You need to go to the doctor and tell him that you’re sick so that you can get medication for me in case I get sick. Can’t you tell I’m almost dying? Don’t you have any pity? I took care of you all my life and now you won’t help me when I’m sick? Who will love you if I die?”
Manipulative bitch. That was her plan all along and I knew it. She didn’t care about whether or not I was feeling alright.
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I don’t think I want to be back. I want to go home to Irvine, or at least be far away from the buddha-filled shrine that my mother calls our home. There’s absolutely nothing to do there. Now I remember why I buried my head into the internet. I remember back at all the times when my mother would not let me go out. All the times when I had to stay inside the house when my friends all went out. It’s all the more apparent now, when I finally am able to break away from it.
i hate being at home.
. . .
James seems different now. More reserved, more quiet, less jolly. I might be perceiving things differently, but I don’t know. I suppose it’s to be expected, considering everything he’s been going through. His surgery is tomorrow. I made him a present… something of a charm, but I can’t give it to him now because it’s too rainy and too stormy for me to drive all the way to San Mateo. I hate it! I can’t get myself out of this hell hole.
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This entry feels long, but I think it will be one of the last entries few entries i write for this winter vacation unless I buy myself a modem. I don’t have any way to connect to the Internet otherwise unless I come here every day. Maybe I’ll put that into practice, though. It’ll give me time away from home.
I miss you. All of you.
December 17, 2001 at 1:24 am · Filed under Rigamarole
i wish i could write about the things that have been happening lately… but I don’t even know where to start. i’m happy, though, i really am. so anybody who might be worrying can put their minds at ease. though I don’t know about how happy I will be tomorrow when I prepare to embark on my journey all the way back to the bay area.
i can’t wait to see james and chill w/ my friends from back home. good shit.
December 14, 2001 at 12:25 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
only a few more days left of true freedom until i have to drive on back to that restrictive place called san jose. boy… sadly, i really don’t miss it, with the exception of a couple people. i miss only those that i really loved during my last year of high school.
funny how that works. how you don’t find what you truly like until you’re about to lose it. how you don’t find your true niche until you’re about to leave.
i’m that way at least. it’s probably because i’m human. bleh.
December 12, 2001 at 6:08 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
hi. i feel better now. i know i said that a lot of times, but i really do feel as if i feel better now. it’s as if i finally accepted that something like you could happen to me. i thought that seeing you a lot would crush me… i thought that it would make me cry and make me feel tired of life.
i guess it did at first… but somehow i feel a lot better now. i heal pretty quickly, i guess. i don’t know what it is that’s changed me like this. maybe it’s new friends. new people in my life. maybe its because for the first time in my life i’ve begun to see up close the realities of the way people really are.
i don’t know what it is, but i like it. it’s almost a newfound freedom, except it’s something that i’ve always had. i don’t think i hate people like you. at first i thought i would, forever and ever. but i just smile at my silliness now. i was just mad because i was wrong about you and everyone else was right.
i’m out.
December 12, 2001 at 3:13 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
Life has returned normal again here at Dave’s apartment. Nice and quiet with only little signs that things were amiss. Like Dave’s throbbing arm. Other than that, everything seems alright.
Fun fun fun till we have to talk to the popo.
December 11, 2001 at 2:19 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
got news earlier this morning that she got beat last night and screamed out the window for help. got news earlier this morning that she’s going to file a police report. the police will probably ask him questions. i hope i never have to hear from her again. there always seems to be trouble that follows her. and i don’t want more shit to go down. grar.
December 11, 2001 at 2:05 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
“and you had to go and jinx it” commented john, in my last entry.
he couldn’t have been more right. living such a sheltered life, i have never seen such brutality or violence. i’ve never been more scared for dave’s life since … well.. ok.. since the car accident a few weeks ago. i was pretty scared, though.
the most fucked up part was — i couldn’t do anything to help. it’s not as if i could have jumped in and kicked the 220lb 6ft guy’s ass for him. i would have been tossed out of the way like she was. it’s not as if i could have stabbed him with a knife — i couldn’t even make sudden movements for fear that he would do something crazy.
my mind raced. i considered taking out my rage on her… but she was the only one who could possibly neutralize him.
the only thing i could do was keep my mouth shut. well, it was open.. but i kept silent. i could only watch as the scene unfolded in front of me and become more and more angry, frustrated and confused as it went on.
what a night. this appartment is cursed with excitement. OhhhH the stories.
December 10, 2001 at 2:27 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
It’s nice having sleepy lazy days sitting around doing nothing but reading, chatting, and watching TV. Talking with friends and just relaxing myself, thinking about nothing and everything. I feel good.
It’s nice to be content.
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