Strange
At work right now and they’re laying carpet in the next room w/ the door open about 3 feet away from me. I feel really dizzish/high. I think it’s from the lack of oxygen.
writing
I need to start writing again. Writing is my therapy. It’s a cold draught of water on a hot day. It’s what keeps me wanting to go on sometimes… Spilling out all the beans isn’t enough because I need to know what happens next in my story. What happens, Kim? In your adventures with so and so… and him… and her… and how is your fish?
Forget trying to make people think, or worrying about whether or not a subject is acceptable. Forget making sure I don’t sound like an idiot… for get even fixing erroneous spelling after I’ve posted something.
Ah, this will probably be my hardest transition yet.
Scared of Forgetfulness
I’ve been really forgetful lately — moreso than usual and this scares me. Even though everything else seems to be functioning normally, I’ve just been a wreck with my forgetfulness. I left my phone at the bf’s house… then left my keys at the front door… then left my keys in the trunk of my car. Not only is this a rather dangerous situation (I can’t afford to lose my keys at the moment), but it also signals the impending return of the horrible and debilitating — depression. OOoOooOo *spooky music plays*.
I’m going to curl up into the fetal position and be scared now. Better yet… I’m going to go make copies of my keys now.
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Neglected and thrown away, the old journal weeps in the back of her mind, ignored because she has found better things. Months later, the old friend is picked up once again to become her mind’s dumping ground of idiotic and pointless words.
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Those words become twisted in her mind to become words that tell her she can’t go on living. Sadness turns to hate as she seeks ways to punish herself for the things that others have done to her. What does it all mean? Simply that she’s just stupid enough to listen to their words.
9/11
I suppose I should say something about this, put my own piece in with the rest.
Other than the few obvious facts, the dying economy, the flying flags waving in the air, the new sense of nationalism, and a sad and detached feeling of loss, I feel awful because I can’t tell you exactly how much 9/11 has had an effect on my life — so many things would have changed regardless of whether or not the events occured. 9/11 struck days before I left for college, and needless to say this has been one of the more tumultuous years of my life. Would it have been if 9/11 had not happened? Most likely. Would it have been different if it hadn’t? Most definately. Looking back to one year from today, I can hardly imagine how I must have been, how different America was, and how much pain has been suffered on and since that day.
The events of 9/11 and the subsequent reactions have hovered like a shadow around every corner throughout this year. It’s been there to darken the lightest and darkest of days and I can’t stand to comprehend the terrible pain that has been thrust upon the nameless faceless, the ones I’ve seen on TV, and people that I’ve known (or worse, cared for). It’s too much for my weak mind to take on.
It’s still difficult for me to watch the news sometimes.
Insomnia
When I’m not oversleeping the alarm clock, I suffer from a wonderful, wonderful thing called “insomnia”. It keeps me awake at odd hours during the day and makes me butt-ass tired during the times I’m supposed to be awake. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
So here I am, 7 AM and awake since 5. Can life get any better than this? WOOOO. I think not.
mundane to you special to me
I want to write about something I did this weekend. Because I feel like it and because I can. 
And because I had a lot of fun and i never want to forget it.
Many times as I go towards the 405 from my boyfriend’s house, I look to the right and see a moving ferris wheel. I’ve been yearning to go on it for what seems like a really long time [for me, a minute or a year may feel like a really long time…]… Anyhow, this weekend John finally broke down and took me to the ferris wheel.
It was really neat! For $2.50 each we got to get on the ferris wheel and be the only people riding on it on a warm summer night. It was kind of scary, though, because the wheel went uncommonly fast — you’re not supposed to feel the falling down rush when the ferris wheel goes down. @_@ Heh, but regardless, it was great! Afterwards we took pictures in one of those little booths that give out 4 pictures in a row and bought dippin dots as we waited for the photos to develop.
Then we went back home for a bit.
All in all,it was one of the most enjoyable 30-40 minutes of my life. Aww. Thank you honey.
fantasies
Everybody has their own little fantasies. As a girl with an active imagination, I admit, I probably have more than my simple share of fantasies. Some of them can be long, complex, and complete stories, while others are short little blurbs that are sparked in my mind by some simple event.
Of course, I have some fantasies that are my favourites… Fantasies that are like favourite novels, played over and over in my mind… the edges worn thin, the story changing only ever so slightly with time and experiences. I don’t know if I’ll ever grow out of these.
My worst mistake is hoping that these idle fantasies will become more than just a fantasy. Certain people that I’ve known have had a knack of knowing what’s exactly in my mind… knowing exactly what to say to fill that familiar blank space after something I say… simply understanding me. Others… simply don’t… Or perhaps they don’t care to let me indulge in my little happinesses… There’s nothing much that I can do about it but be deeply and utterly disappointed when something I almost expectantly wait for (like presents on christmas day) however little, doesn’t occur.
I’ve learned to deal with this, somewhat, though by doing these things for myself sometimes. It eases the pain. A little. A masturbation of the mind, if you will, I pleasure myself by indulging in things that I wish others will do for me that they ultimately will not because they would never think of it.
It’s two different experiences completely; simply being with a person who knows what I want more than I do, and being with a person who is oblivious or apathetic to the things that fly through my mind.
