Archive for Rigamarole
December 8, 2004 at 4:40 am · Filed under Rigamarole
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15 things
I know I’m supposed to be working… and I know that everyone was over this like, a month ago… But I want to write my anonymous messages. They suddenly started running through my head.
1000. I’ve never quite forgiven you for the wound you created in my heart. It’s been so long since we’ve talked… but sometimes I still hear your voice and remember how much fun we used to have just talking. I’m still in love with the person I thought you were… and I still am sad about the person you turned out to be. It disappoints me, how naive I was to your games.
0100. No one has been through as much with me as you have. You were by my side throughout all of the hardest, ugliest moments. I never thanked you for the night you laid by my side keeping me awake making sure I didn’t do more stupid things that would null my existence. You overlooked faults that you deemed unforgivable… and you’ve always given me a second chance. I hope you think of me from time to time. I hope you miss me from time to time.
1100. You think you understand me, but you never have. I hate that you have control over everything I do. I hate that I hear your voice in my head. I hate that I’m becoming like you.
0010. Fuck you, bitch. Your manipulative fucking ass makes me sick. I think you are a fucking ho. You’re so fucking dirty. One day, I’m going to punch that bitch ass look you always have on your face. I’ll give you a black eye to match the other one you have. Dirty fucking slut.
1010. This second fuck you goes out to you, bitch. You are also a dirty ho. You think you’re so fucking hot. You’re just a chinky ass fat ho with big tits. I think it’s sad that if you lost about 50 pounds you would be about the same size as me. You joints fucking look like sausage joints. No wonder everyone calls you sausage girl behind your back.
0110. You make me laugh. It turned me on the other day when I touched your stomach. Then I felt like a dirty old man.
1110. You are fun to be with. I want to get to know you better.
0001. We’re wandering into dangerous territory. I’m wounded and I don’t know whether or not you’re an healing ointment or simply a numbing one that will fade away and leave things the way they were. Sometimes when I look at you, my heart smiles… and then it aches from the movement.
1001. You’re hot. Too bad you seem like you would be STD infested.
0101. I’ve always thought it would be cool to be a close friend of yours. I don’t think that I can ever be, though, because our ideals are too different. I’ve always looked up to you. You’re one of the wittiest people I know.
1101. If I had a penis, I’d jizz all over your face. Just because I think it’d be funny.
0011. I’ve never treated you nicely because I think deep down you’re a bad person.. and I can’t shake that feeling.
1011. If there was a person whose mind I could read, I would try to read yours. You rarely speak, but when you do, some real gems come out. I’d like to hear the rest.
0111. You smell bad. I don’t like sitting next to you.
1111. I think you’re a fucking moron. Sometimes, just looking at you makes me angry.
=======================
My apologies. I’m a fairly negative person.
Love,
Kim
December 7, 2004 at 7:28 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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Newest Goal
To memorize Hikki-chan’s “First Love”
Love,
Kim
December 6, 2004 at 7:46 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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Funny things…
I think it’s funny that Patrick had a random thought about Lan getting a sex change.
But I think it’s funnier that Lan fucks patrick in the ass.
I didn’t do it.
———
Funny inside jokes that I want to remember forever:
Oh baby oh baby… !xpile [sp?]
You know what’s weird? A cork in your butt
I can’t breathe!
Bicycle!
Where you at, bitch?! — I’m right HERE, bitch!
Love,
Kim
December 2, 2004 at 10:59 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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What I want for xmas
-To do things I’ve never done before.
-Leg warmers
-A haircut
-Good times
-A better job so I can buy my friends good presents
-More books to read
-More anime to watch
-Less drama
-An end to my battle with depression
-New beginnings
-A better immune system
-Hosting for Madpimp.com
-A hot lesbian lover
-Drugs that I can abuse
-New friends
-Good food
-Less work
Love,
Kim
December 2, 2004 at 10:31 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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Lives
When I look around, I see people wrapped in their own lives. It feels like by simply acknowledging someone else’s existence, they have touched my life, in a way. I wonder if I’ve touched them at all.
Do I look like I’m wrapped in my own life? How do strangers perceive me? Have I gotten a glance, or a long look? Have there been judgements made, assumptions laid, because of the way I look, or the activity that I am partaking in? (drinking a beer and typing on my laptop in a pub).
—
Incidentally, today I learned that I gallop when I am hyper.
Love,
Kim
November 23, 2004 at 9:35 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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Correction
Actually, I think he was 16, and I was 13.
I have a bad memory.
Love,
Kim
November 23, 2004 at 9:19 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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The past, the internet, and my first boyfriend.
Because of a friend, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past lately. Much of it is of my quasai-famous days as a blogger — when the internet *seemed* saturated with blogs, but but blog*spot, xanga, and livejournal had not yet really hit it off.
However, this feeling of nostalgia took my mind back to paths that I had long forgotten about. The days were my internet life didn’t revolve around the great “world wide web” but was fastened to the fascination called e-mail, and a new-spangled service called AOL.
So, I’m going to tell you a story about my past.
I was one of the first people I knew to have a modem. Hell, I didn’t even know what a modem really did when I first got it. That was in fourth/fifth grade (about 11 years ago). It wasn’t until I was in 7th grade when I installed the newfangled windows95 onto my computer that I got Juno — the first free e-mail service. I still remember my first ever email address – krazykim@juno.com. I wonder who has it now.
My first AOL was AOL 2.5. Now, I have to tell you, that this was in the dark ages — my modem [because it was one of the first] was extremely slow. Remember your 28k? Mine was a 2400 baud modem — aka 2.4k. …yeah. I know.
Anyhow, this AOL was amazing! I could talk to people through text in real time! That was really cool.
In one of these chat rooms (teen chat, i believe) I met a guy named ZazU(some number) from Canada. I told him I was 15, he said he was 17 — I was really 12 (but who cares?).
You know those faces on the milk cartons? That probably could have been me. I was definately not careful back in the day, and if Zazu(some number) wasn’t such a stand up guy, I probably wouldn’t be around today to tell the story.
Anyhow, this guy, turned out to be named Lairay (my last name). He was from Canada and he was really nice and fun and smart. Unfortunately, he thought I was 15. Long story short, I told him how old I was 8 months after we met, and long after we had become “boyfriend/girlfriend”.
I have long since lost the gold-plated ID bracelet he sent me with my name engraved on the front and “love Lairay” engraved on the back… But I still have the letter he wrote to me and link pieces from that very bracelet that we had to take off because the bracelet was too big. I still have printouts [for some reason i printed everything at the beginning of my internet career] of almost all of our e-mails in a binder somewhere at home.
And sometimes, like today, I still wonder whatever happend to Lairay, my first boyfriend, and only internet love.
So, if your name is Lairay and you remember a girl from 10 years ago (has it really been that long?) that you loved from the internet, give me a holler.
I’ve been thinking about you.
Love,
Kim
November 22, 2004 at 11:33 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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Cleaning up the mess
As with most indulgences, alcohol, food, sex… when it ends, you have to clean up what was left in its wake.
My time of indulgence is over. Now that I’m well enough to be awake for a good chunk of the day without needing to sleep, I have to try to pick up the pieces I carelessly let slip out of my fingers. –That is, I have to start doing the work that I’ve been neglecting for the past week and a half.
As I started to do my thing, I felt like crap still, but oddly motivated to try to work harder. Then I got tired and had to sit down. For the 5 hours I was up and about, I felt good, though. More free than I have for a while.
I don’t want to disappoint myself anymore.
Love,
Kim
November 21, 2004 at 11:09 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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A little bit of poetry
A little bit of nostalgia.
November.2000 I posted this [a little edited for flow]:
[original post]
Once I thought I was original,
But I soon realized I took the thought,
Once I thought I was individual,
But individuality is not what I sought,
Once I thought friendship had meaning,
But even this is not what it seems,
Once I had many goals gleaming,
Now they seem like distant dreams,
All I have worked for seems a sham,
No body really gives a damn,
Except for you, my light,
Who came to me in the dark night,
Took away the cold, removed the blight,
Took away the dark, restored my sight,
I thank you for making me smile,
The sweetest feeling I have ever known,
Let me love you silently while,
I wait for the day you become my own.
It was probably written for Nick.
Love,
Kim
November 21, 2004 at 9:55 pm · Filed under Rigamarole
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Links to make you happy
El Linko – Bad day? Sounds like an understatement.
El Linko – The news is in! Superman is TOO GOOD a role model. — Exerpt: Superman is too good a role model. Fans of the man from Krypton unwittingly compare themselves to the superhero, and realise they do not measure up. And as a result, they are less likely to help other people.
Love,
Kim
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